Or must they always be patient, loving and kind? Are the two mutually exclusive? As a mom of a strong willed child myself, I have yelled at my daughter and have responded with the patience of a saint. It depends on the day and how stressed I am. And how well I’ve taken care of myself. Much as we would like to be the perfect, all-knowing moms, it just ain’t possible. Really. It’s not. Being human prevents it. As an admitted perfectionist, this seriously bugs me. I’ve read way too many parenting books (I’d love to lie and say it’s because I’m a parenting coach but I’ve been doing it since before my kids were born) and compared myself to way too many moms. The verdict is in: I feel guilty for not responding calmly every time my child pushes my buttons. What kind of mom does this make me?
After interviewing Bonnie Harris, author of When Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It, I got clear that yelling doesn’t make me a “bad mom.” It means that I need to slow down, breathe, and think about the situation from a different perspective so I can make a new choice. This isn’t easy, especially when I feel so much anger that I want to scream. But I am human. You are human. Humans have emotions. How we handle our emotions isn’t always pretty. We yell. We apologize. We learn from our mistakes. The fact that we sometimes yell at our kids doesn’t make us “bad” moms any more than never yelling makes us “good” moms. We are a mixture of the parts of ourselves we love and the parts we don’t.
I believe that our willingness to grow as moms counts for a lot. We may not respond to every tantrum or power struggle the way we’d ideally like to, but we can continue to aim to be perfectly imperfect. I’m not talking about letting yourself off the hook for continually yelling without looking at what’s going in within you. I am talking about knowing that you’re doing the best you can. And when you’re not doing your best, take a breath, calm yourself, and make a different choice. Launder. Rinse. Repeat. You’re in good company.
Archive for October, 2008
1. When your child is asleep, at school, or just not with you, think about one thing you love about him or her. Imagine it fully. For me, it’s my daughter’s sweet laughter. I can easily imagine her laughing at something, her head thrown back in a healthy expression of joy or humor. Doing this helps you reconnect with the positive aspects of your child.
2. Picture your child using his or her temperamental traits for good. Is she bossy? Picture her effectively leading a major corporation someday (Sound silly? So is picturing your child on the street or in jail because she refused to do what you said!). Is he bouncing off the walls with energy? Imagine him as a mover and shaker of the world, getting things done.
3. Spend five minutes each day just being with your child;during this time, don’t ask any questions or give any directions. Simply notice. Watch her color a picture. Notice as he eats his dinner. This helps to reconnect the both of you. By observing your child and watching from a detached perspective, you can often see him in a new light. I often tell the moms I coach to pretend that their child was plunked down on their doorstep from another planet, and that their job is to curiously observe who this child is.
4. Take mini-breaks throughout the day to replenish your lost energy. Drink water. Call or e-mail a friend. Pet the cat. Breathe (I find myself holding my breath in times of stress). You’ll enjoy your child more when you are feeling on an even keel with yourself.
5. Picture yourself calmly responding to your child, even (especially) when your buttons are pushed. Believe it or not, envisioning yourself successfully doing something greatly improves the odds that you’ll successfully accomplish it.
The bottom line? Life with a strong-willed child can be stressful. And yet, there are little steps you can take to enjoy your child more. What works for you?
Ever wonder what you did to be “blessed” with a spirited, strong-willed child? Amidst your ponderings, did you ever think, “What would life be like if I didn’t have to deal with these discipline issues day to day?” I have. And I bet you have too, at least once. Almost every mom I’ve ever worked with has revealed in a guilty whisper, “I wish I didn’t feel this way–you know, like it’s not fair that I have to be the one with a strong-willed child. Do good moms feel this way?” How about a different question–”Is there any mom who hasn’t wished for mothering to be easier?”
Sometimes the questions we ask ourselves (as well as the answers) have a lot to do with how we feel. If you ask yourself, “Why do I suck as a mom?” your brain will be sure to answer you. Instantly, reasons why you aren’t good enough will flood your mind. And then how will you feel? What if, for just one day, you were willing to accept your feelings for what they are? Okay–so your child threw a major, ear-splitting tantrum and you wished you were anywhere but there. You felt angry and frustrated with your child’s behavior. You’d be a member of a pretty big club, if that’s the case (so if misery loves company, you’ve got lots of it!)! But don’t add to the stress by asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I be like other mothers and handle this better?”
Never understimate the power of a good question. It can make all the difference in how you feel. You don’t know what is going on in those other mother’s heads. Chances are, they are beating themselves up, too. Just for today, pay attention to the negative inquisition in your head. Then, be willing to ask yourself a different, more empowering question: one whose answer doesn’t invite you to feel guilty.
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