Oh, how many times have I heard a parent say, “I swear she’s out to get me!” or “He just tries and tries to get my goat.” I’ve even thought it myself about my own children. You know the drill, right? You’ve told your child repeatedly NOT to do something and they continue to do it. Sometimes they even look at you to see what your reaction will be. How’s THAT for infuriating?

So, what gives? Is your child out to get you when he or she misbehaves? Nope. Not really. What your child wants is your energy. Your relationship. Your time, attention, connection. And challenging, intense kids have an uncanny knack for knowing EXACTLY how to extract those goodies. And it usually ain’t pretty. Because intense kids are harder to parent, they are used to getting their “goodies” or sense of relationship with us when things aren’t going well (i.e., when they misbehave and we react).

We’re all wired to connect and be in relationship. It’s just that intense, challenging kids have it all upside down. They are addicted to being in relationship with us when things aren’t going well. And they can be quite talented at knowing just what to say and do to get parents to react.

So know this, when you feel your buttons getting pushed:  your child isn’t out to get you–just your energy. He or she is looking to see if you give more of your energy when things are going well, or when they aren’t. One of THE most important things to know in working with challenging kids is that they pay very close attention to what YOU pay attention to. Your child interprets the times you choose to radiate your greatest energy (whether with lots of animation and hugs when things are going well or lots of lectures and yelling and words when things aren’t)  to be the actions you value the most and want more of.  Flipping when you give your energy and relationship to your child will help you be on your way to more peaceful, effective parenting.