“C’mon, Mom—let’s GO! I want to GO somewhere!” I hear this phrase every day from my youngest child who’s seven. As an extrovert, she gets her energy from being around people, and the people in her house don’t always cut it it! She’s been wired this way from birth. I could see her try to meet others’ eyes, even as a tiny baby. She smiled and laughed in an effort to engage others around her. You could just see her searching for ways to connect with others.
My other daughter, who’s ten, would rather curl up with a good book and a cat. When she was a baby, she would rather play with her toys rather than with people. Extended eye contact with her overstimulated her. Now that she’s older, she’s learned that spending time alone helps decrease her stress (except when her extroverted sister is banging on the door screaming, “You never want to play with me! Come out NOW!”).
And their mama? Well, I am an introvert. When push comes to shove, I need time alone to refuel. So does my husband. So what do we do when there are three of us who need to lay low in order to feel better and we are living with a person who thrives on being with others? Managing this isn’t is difficult as it sounds. I’ve found the following steps to be helpful for both introverted and extroverted family members:
- Be aware of whether you tend towards introversion or extroversion, and also become aware of your children’s tendencies. Even though it’s geared toward younger children, this site will give you a great idea of how your child leans.
- For kids that are verbal, sit down and talk with them about how everybody has a “gas tank” just like the car. Just like the car, everybody needs to put in more gas in order to play, work, have fun, etc. Also explain that some people do this alone, while others need to be around people, and that both ways are great. Ask them what they they think they need, as well as to make guesses about the rest of the family members. If you have toddlers or very young preschoolers that aren’t yet able to talk about this, then you can jumpstart the process by helping them recharge before they melt down.
- After you’ve had a short general discussion about how everyone in the family “fills up,” come up with a brief list of these ways. Ask questions such as, “What’s one thing each day that you can do to meet your need for being with others?” or “Since you need some time alone each day, how can you make that happen?” Given that it’s not always possible for kids to get out of the house the moment they feel the need to be with others, come up with other options like calling and e-mailing friends, etc. Perhaps have a standing weekly playdate with a few pals for your extroverted child will give them something to look forward to. For your introverted child, it might be helpful to plan on a daily “siesta” time where it is totally cool to have time alone, no questions asked.
- Empower your kids to understand how they’re wired, as well as how everyone else in the family is, so it will be easier for them to learn to meet their own needs BEFORE there’s a problem. They’ll also learn to respect others’ needs. Knowledge is power, and I’d also add that so is planning ahead.
- Be the leader by going first. As the mom, it’s powerful for your kids to hear you say, “I can tell I’m getting tired and cranky and need to spend some time with my friends tonight. I think I’ll meet them for dinner. This is how I get my energy back .” Of course, this isn’t about guilt-tripping your kids into believing that they are the cause of your energy depletion (even though it may feel that way, at times!). Rather, it’s valuing yourself enough to take the time to do what refuels you so you can be more effective. Kids do what we do–so you’ll be doing EVERYONE a favor by modeling this and keeping yourself refueled. One of the best ways I know to have a great summer is to have each family member “refuel” in ways that work for them. That way, the only melt-downs you’ll have will be popcicles and ice cream bars!
