I don’t know about you, but I grew up with a big list o’ things I would NEVER say to MY kids. Of course, these were things my mom said to me when I was a kid, things I didn’t like. It’s not that my mom wasn’t amazing in many areas. Nobody had a more playful, humorous outlook on life than my mom. Plus, I’d give anything to have her alive, here with me again. That said, there were definitely some parts of her parenting I didn’t want to replicate.

When I was in college studying Psychology (and analyzing all the things my parents did wrong!), my long  list o’things grew even longer. You can only imagine what happened to my list when I was in graduate school, studying “childhood behavior disorders”! Every thing my mom said in anger or to provoke guilt was magnified by all of my research and reading. Once I began teaching inner city kids who were “behavior disordered” or “emotionally disturbed” I was very clear on what kind of mom I would someday be.  I was equally clear on what kind of mom I would NOT be (cue laughter—maniacal, hysterical laughter).

Funny how life works, eh? The more we run away from something instead of confronting it head-on, the more it chases us and velcros itself to us. At least, that’s how it’s been with me.  And so it’s been with my parenting. “I’ll never do that” becomes fodder for guilt because a)the word “never” is a sure set-up for failure and b)I’m reacting to how I was parented rather than being proactive about how I will parent. Let me share some of the items on my “I’ll Never…” list (that I started as a kid):

• I’ll never say sarcastically, “Keep it up, missy! I guess you LIKE going to bed early!”
• I’ll never cry and ask, “Why can’t you do what I ask? Why? Is it so hard?”
• I’ll never say, “You’re so sensitive. We have to walk on eggshells around you.”
• I’ll never say, “You’re the messy one, and your sister is the neat one.”
• I’ll never say, “You think you have it so hard! Poor you! Give me a break!”

Now that I am a parent of two girls, I can say that I haven’t actually said those particular things to my girls.  My resolve to not say certain things that my mother said has held true. So why do I feel I’ve become my mother? I think it’s that my mom was an introverted, sensitive, easily overwhelmed, creative person—and so am I. As a child, she wasn’t affirmed for who she was: sensitive, intuitive, etc. (in fact, quite the opposite was true–she had a horrific childhood). Consequently, as an adult, she didn’t accept and affirm herself. She didn’t like the fact that she was easily overwhelmed or sensitive; it made life (and especially mothering) harder. So I can only imagine how difficult it must’ve been for her to have a daughter who mirrored those exact qualities.

 In essence, I’ve” become my mother” in that there are aspects of me that are easily overwhelmed , where I struggle with sensitivity and where I can become reactive to my kids.  In an effort NOT to say ”those” things to my kids, I’ve REACTED by sometimes not setting limits where I need to. For example,  rather than shaming or blaming my kids by saying, “Keep it up” sarcastically, I’ve been a martyr that has “let” them continue doing something, because I was so afraid of saying something my mom said. Neither shaming/blaming nor being a martyr is being a healthy, proactive parent. Dang.

So what’s a mom to do?

1. Recognize that your own parents could only parent you with the tools they had available at the time. My mom wasn’t given many tools to be a healthy parent, so I KNOW she wasn’t withholding them from me (she didn’t have them in her took kit to give).
2. Recognize the parts of your parents that you DO appreciate. My mom’s sense of humor is something I still cherish, long after she’s passed away. I can even look back and see how that humor helped my childhood be better than it otherwise could’ve been.
3. Accept that all parents are “perfectly imperfect.” As one of my friends likes to joke, “Honey, you might as well be saving for college AND therapy for your kids, because it’s just not possible for kids to love and accept all that their parents say and do.” If you have a need to be liked, this may be extra hard for you.
4. Focus on the strengths you DO bring to motherhood.  This can be tricky for many moms. It can be helpful to think of a time in your life when all was going well, when you were at their best. What were you saying, doing, being? What qualities/strengths did you use during this time? For example, getting through graduate school was one of the most difficult and rewarding times in my life. I definitely used my sense of humor, my willingness to persevere, my ability to dream big about my future, as well as other strengths, to thrive (not just survive) during this time. Motherhood is so much easier when we lead with our strengths.
5. Focus on the kind of adult you hope to raise (e.g., kind, persevering, etc.) and let your intention guide your actions. This is NOT to say that you won’t fall short of your vision. We all “lose it” and say and do things we regret. So it’s not about “I’ll never say and do THAT” but rather “Here’s what I intend to say and do now so that I increase the odds of raising my child to be a great adult.” Motherhood is hard enough and there are enough people out there ready and willing to judge you–YOU don’t need to do it to yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Did you have your “I’ll NEVER…” list about being a mom? Did you promise to yourself that you’d never feed your kids sugary cereal and now buy Froot Loops every week? What parts of your parents do you see in yourself? Have you embraced them? What helps YOU be an intentional mom?