When you’re stressed and you want to throw in the motherhood towel, it’s nice to know you’ve got friends you can call. After all, nobody knows motherhood like another mother, right? When your son divebombs off the couch and lands on that expensive vase from your mother-in-law (you didn’t like it anyway, did you?), and then your daughter has a meltdown of her own, other mom-friends can ease your pain.
Or can they? It’s important to know which friends are “activity friends” and which are “heart” friends. Both are essential. And both fill different roles. “Activity” friends are the kind of people you want to do fun things with—like go to the movies, scrapbook, or go shopping. With these friends, the focus is on the shared activity. With “heart” friends, you share your innermost feelings and thoughts. You support one another, commiserate, and share, well, your heart. You don’t worry about being judged. While you may very well go to the movies or shopping with these friends, the emphasis is really on the deep sharing you do.
Knowing this distinction can save you much pain down the road. Expecting people to be what they’re not is a set-up for disappointment. For both of you. As a mom of a challenging child, I was confiding in a friend about my daughter’s melt-down that very morning. My friend, not mincing words, retorted, “When my daughter pulls that, I don’t let her get away with it. I am the one in charge. So I rarely see that kind of behavior.” Ugh. I felt judged and unheard. My mistake? Forgetting that this friend was an activity friend: someone I have coffee with to talk about art, but not someone who shares my parenting values. In fact, we definitely do NOT share the same perspective on how to parent. I was expecting her to behave as a heart friend, but our friendship is not about that.
If your child is intense and challenging, you, especially have to pick your friends wisely. Unless they have one, most moms (and people in general) don’t know what it’s like to have a child like yours. After all, your child looks the same on the outside, so “normal” parenting techniques should work, right? You can’t see someone’s inborn temperament–only the expression of it, which is their personality and behavior. So it’s essential self-care that you pick people with whom you can be real. Even if your heart friend doesn’t have an intense child, if she is truly a heart friend she will be willing to hear you. She may not agree with you all the time but that won’t matter. What really matters is that you have a friend or two with whom you can be seen and heard. Because on the tough mothering days, you’re going to need it.
