I wish I had a $100 for every person that’s ever asked me how to get their child to go to (and stay in!) bed.

I’d be a rich woman.

 Sleep issues are at the top of that list called, “Things That Stress Me Out And Make Me Pull My Hair Out.”  And if you are a mom who runs her own biz or works from home (or any mom, really), you ESPECIALLY may be saying to yourself, “When night time comes, I NEED some time to myself! I NEED those kids to go to bed!” Been there. Dealt with that. Several times. So what’s a harried mom to do?

Glad you asked.   Here’s what I say:

1.   Be clear on your philosophy and beliefs about children and sleep. This is big.  Seriously. This is big because it is the biggest deal-breaker, the reason why anything you do to solve the sleep problem won’t work . If you deep-down believe that kids need to sleep with you and be rocked, and fall asleep when they want to, and some parenting expert tells you that you’re a wimp and that you just need to let your child “cry it out,” you’re either going to ignore their advice or do it but not stick with it (and perhaps feel like a failure for not sticking with it).  Or if you are not someone that sleeps well with kids in your bed and you read that you “SHOULD” have kids co-sleep with you or else they will grow up unloved and on a street corner somewhere (and maybe even become an ax murderer), you are in for some trouble. If you google “getting kids to sleep” you will see no shortage of advice on the matter–from experts and non-experts alike. First, ask yourself how YOU were parented around sleep. Did you like it? If not, are you reacting to how you were raised by taking the opposite stance? If you are, this doesn’t mean that’s wrong–it just means that you need to be aware of where you stand with this issue. It’ll save you sleepless nights later. If you are conflicted about what you believe and what you think you should believe about this sleep issue, your kids will sense it and be confused.

2.   Once you decide what your beliefs are around sleep, and check in with your integrity and your heart to make sure you know where you stand, implement a bedtime routine.  One of the biggest mistakes I see around sleep is that parents don’t start slowing the evening down at least an hour before bedtime. If bedtime is 8:00, then 7:30 is not the time to start a tickle fest or to start a project. Ideally, kids need help with transitions, and sleep is a BIG one. Help them by slowing the household down. Then have kids get ready for bed in the same order every night. Make a poster if you have to (use pictures for kids that can’t read yet–you can even take pictures of your kids doing the things on the bedtime routine and put them on the chart). End with a story and/or pillow talk. Keeping the routine the same helps your kids relax because they know what’s coming.

3.   Stick with your plan for a month.  This way you’ll give it enough time for it to work. You’ll also know by then if it’s something you want to live with. Note: Just because it’s hard to stick with doesn’t mean it’s not the right plan–it just means you’re putting new habits into place and doing that takes time. And patience.  And sometimes a good girlfriend or two to keep you from screaming. If after a month your child AND you are sleeping peacefully, that’s good news. That’s what it all about.  But…if neither you nor your child is getting enough zzzzzzzzzzzzzzs, you’ll  need to troubleshoot. Chances are that if there is a breakdown anywhere, it’s in the above-mentioned areas: your philosophy, your bedtime routine, and/or your consistency.

If all else fails, there are a number of good sleep books on the market. But…before you buy any of them, be very clear on what your sleep philosophy really is, not what an expert tells you it should be.

Sweet dreams!

If you’re not in the Seattle area, or won’t be around at 7pm, you can see the interview right here:

1. Prevent tantrums as much as possible.  Know your child’s triggers. Is she noise sensitive? Maybe the mall at Christmas time is too over-stimulating. Is your child brimming with energy (as so many strong-willed children are)? Before going to a holiday dinner at Grandma’s, find a way for them to get some of the energy out ahead of time by jumping rope or on a mini-trampoline (a gift idea for your strong-willed child?), dancing to music, etc. Also, help your child recognize when their body needs to move before it’s too late. With my daughter, we taught her to recognize that when she started tapping her feet quickly and loudly, it was her body telling she needed to move.

2. Know the difference between a “spill-over” tantrum and a manipulative one. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka coined the term “spill over” to describe what happens when a spirited child is “flooded” with emotions and doesn’t have the resources to manage them.  Because strong-willed children often feel their feelings so intensely, and are often very sensitive, they can be overwhelmed by  emotions.  During this kind of tantrum, your child needs you to be a comforting companion: to hold the space for them to regain control. It’s scary for kids to feel that out of control. The key here is to remain calm yourself, to say very little, and just be present with (and for) your child. If it helps, you can help your child take deep breaths. If it’s a manipulative tantrum, you’ll know because you’ll sense that your child is in control of his or her responses, but isn’t getting their own way, so is intentionally yelling, crying, screaming, etc.  You can usually tell which kind of tantrum is which by how your gut feels.

3. Remember to talk less and act more. In the eye of the storm (or the middle of a tantrum), remember that your child’s behavior is a cry for help. Yes, when I was a child, “a cry for help” meant a swat on the bottom. But here’s the thing: with either kind of tantrum, your child needs to learn self-management, and spanking doesn’t do that. If it’s a spill-over tantrum, your child needs to recognize his stress before it reaches blow-up proportions, as well as learn self-soothing skills. Your being present, without words, except for maybe an occasional prompt to take a breath, can help your child regain control. At a time when your child isn’t tantrumming, you can teach him or her what their triggers are, how to manage them, etc. For a manipulative tantrum, state your case once (“I see you’re feeling frustrated that you want to eat your cookie now, and I said not till after dinner. I will talk to you about it then”). And that’s it. No more words. Repeat a mantra to yourself such as, “I will not give attention to this.” Rewarding this tantrum with more explanations such as, “What did I just say? I’m not going to say it again..Now stop asking me and crying!” will show your child that they can get your energy and attention in unhealthy ways.

Oh–and one more thing–remember that  EVERY parent has to deal with tantrums. You’re not alone!

Motherhood and guilt don’t have to go hand in hand. But sometimes they do anyway. When your child’s behavior throws you for a loop, what’s your “default?” If it’s either yelling/threatening or giving in, you’re in good company. Here’s where the guilt comes in. If your “default” means you are behaving in ways that you later regret (or just plain don’t work in the long run), the guilt you feel can be just as bad as your child’s behavior! The reason it’s so important to know this is that disciplining positively begins with you. You can only teach (the true meaning of the word “discipline”) what you are modeling. It begins with you.

   It can help to become aware of your default reaction. Notice it. Decide if it’s working for you. Or not. Are there times when you are more likely than not to go into default mode? For me, it’s in the morning, when my girls are getting ready for school. At that time, there is a lot happening, and I know I don’t do well when there’s a lot of noise (moms can get overstimulated too!). My default is to bark orders. One of my clients says her default of giving in happens when she is underslept and beating herself up about her mothering skills.

   Awareness is huge. Without it there is no change. But with awareness often comes self-judgment. Used as a stick to beat yourself up with, awareness can also be one more pathway to guilt. Your inner critic may taunt you by whispering sarcastically, “You yelled again. Way to go on modeling appropriate behavior. Ha!”  If she does, acknowledge her, thank her for sharing, and take a breath. Know that this is normal. In the midst of becoming aware of what we want to change (whether it’s losing weight or practicing patience), it becomes painfully obvious that we are not yet where we want to be. You won’t be in this place forever. Be kind to yourself and know that you are on the path.