If you live in the Seattle, WA area, you’ll be able to see me on Channel 5 KING TV’s Evening Magazine program this evening at 7pm PST. I was interviewed, along with one of my client families, and the segment will be aired tonight.
If you’re not in the Seattle area, or won’t be around at 7pm, you can see the interview right here:
Want to strike fear or anger in the heart of a parent? Have them witness their child having a tantrum. To make things extra “spicy,” have the tantrum be in public. Unfortunately, tantrums are something that ALL parents have to manage. Since the holidays often bring added stress, and added stress can also mean more tantrums (I was talking about your child’s…but I’ve been known to have them on occasion!), here are some tips to help you get through them with fewer gray hairs:
1. Prevent tantrums as much as possible. Know your child’s triggers. Is she noise sensitive? Maybe the mall at Christmas time is too over-stimulating. Is your child brimming with energy (as so many strong-willed children are)? Before going to a holiday dinner at Grandma’s, find a way for them to get some of the energy out ahead of time by jumping rope or on a mini-trampoline (a gift idea for your strong-willed child?), dancing to music, etc. Also, help your child recognize when their body needs to move before it’s too late. With my daughter, we taught her to recognize that when she started tapping her feet quickly and loudly, it was her body telling she needed to move.
2. Know the difference between a “spill-over” tantrum and a manipulative one. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka coined the term “spill over” to describe what happens when a spirited child is “flooded” with emotions and doesn’t have the resources to manage them. Because strong-willed children often feel their feelings so intensely, and are often very sensitive, they can be overwhelmed by emotions. During this kind of tantrum, your child needs you to be a comforting companion: to hold the space for them to regain control. It’s scary for kids to feel that out of control. The key here is to remain calm yourself, to say very little, and just be present with (and for) your child. If it helps, you can help your child take deep breaths. If it’s a manipulative tantrum, you’ll know because you’ll sense that your child is in control of his or her responses, but isn’t getting their own way, so is intentionally yelling, crying, screaming, etc. You can usually tell which kind of tantrum is which by how your gut feels.
3. Remember to talk less and act more. In the eye of the storm (or the middle of a tantrum), remember that your child’s behavior is a cry for help. Yes, when I was a child, “a cry for help” meant a swat on the bottom. But here’s the thing: with either kind of tantrum, your child needs to learn self-management, and spanking doesn’t do that. If it’s a spill-over tantrum, your child needs to recognize his stress before it reaches blow-up proportions, as well as learn self-soothing skills. Your being present, without words, except for maybe an occasional prompt to take a breath, can help your child regain control. At a time when your child isn’t tantrumming, you can teach him or her what their triggers are, how to manage them, etc. For a manipulative tantrum, state your case once (“I see you’re feeling frustrated that you want to eat your cookie now, and I said not till after dinner. I will talk to you about it then”). And that’s it. No more words. Repeat a mantra to yourself such as, “I will not give attention to this.” Rewarding this tantrum with more explanations such as, “What did I just say? I’m not going to say it again..Now stop asking me and crying!” will show your child that they can get your energy and attention in unhealthy ways.
Oh–and one more thing–remember that EVERY parent has to deal with tantrums. You’re not alone!
Motherhood and guilt don’t have to go hand in hand. But sometimes they do anyway. When your child’s behavior throws you for a loop, what’s your “default?” If it’s either yelling/threatening or giving in, you’re in good company. Here’s where the guilt comes in. If your “default” means you are behaving in ways that you later regret (or just plain don’t work in the long run), the guilt you feel can be just as bad as your child’s behavior! The reason it’s so important to know this is that disciplining positively begins with you. You can only teach (the true meaning of the word “discipline”) what you are modeling. It begins with you.
It can help to become aware of your default reaction. Notice it. Decide if it’s working for you. Or not. Are there times when you are more likely than not to go into default mode? For me, it’s in the morning, when my girls are getting ready for school. At that time, there is a lot happening, and I know I don’t do well when there’s a lot of noise (moms can get overstimulated too!). My default is to bark orders. One of my clients says her default of giving in happens when she is underslept and beating herself up about her mothering skills.
Awareness is huge. Without it there is no change. But with awareness often comes self-judgment. Used as a stick to beat yourself up with, awareness can also be one more pathway to guilt. Your inner critic may taunt you by whispering sarcastically, “You yelled again. Way to go on modeling appropriate behavior. Ha!” If she does, acknowledge her, thank her for sharing, and take a breath. Know that this is normal. In the midst of becoming aware of what we want to change (whether it’s losing weight or practicing patience), it becomes painfully obvious that we are not yet where we want to be. You won’t be in this place forever. Be kind to yourself and know that you are on the path.
