Handling Criticism – It’s not about you!

(Note: I’m jazzed that my colleague, Jo Della Penna, is guest blogging here at the GFM. I’m also

jazzed that her advice applies just as much to people criticizing your parenting  as it does to your

business. Okay–one more thing I’m jazzed about—she references one of my all-time favorite

books!

-Karen

Handling Criticisim: It’s Not About You!

by Jo Della Penna

Receiving testimonials are wonderful, aren’t they? Someone

 takes the time to praise you in writing so others will know how great

 it is to work with you. I love getting testimonials! Not only is it a great

 stroke to my ego, I shamelessly admit, but it is also a validation that I

 continue to add value to my clients and positively impacting their lives.

However, the same is not true when we receive a complaint, right?

Hopefully this is something that occurs very rarely!How do you respond? How

do you handle criticism?  A woman approached me after I spoke at a women’s

breakfast recently and asked me how she should respond to a negative letter

 she had received. After a brief discussion, it was clear the person writing the

 letter was not going to be pleased from the start. First, she complained about

 the fees—after the services began. She continuously grumbled at every turn. And

then, she refused to pay part of the bill for added services.

Has something similar ever happen to you? How would you respond?

I shared with her the fact that you cannot have really, really good without

having really, really bad. It is what is referred to as The Law of Polarity.

Everything has its opposite. Up has down, in has out, big has small, etc.

So, you cannot have someone saying great things about you without

someone saying something bad. It is part of growing and evolving.

Miguel don Ruiz mentioned is his book, The Four Agreements, people do

not say or do things TO you, they say or do things FOR them.

That means that when someone praises or criticizes you, don’t take it

personally. It is not about you, it is about them—what they feel or think.

The only thing you are responsible for is to always do your best with what

you have and do what you are meant to do. How others react to what you

give is not in your control.

So, as you continue to go about your business and serving with your gifts

and talents, know that receiving criticism is part of the course.

Stay focused on the value you provide, do the best you can and pay more

attention to the praises than the criticism. It is not about you, so don’t take

it personally!

© 2009-2010 The Business Of You, Inc.

 Award-Winning Entrepreneur, Coach, National Speaker and Author, Jo Della Penna publishes The

Business of You E-Zine with over 1,500+ subscribers. If you’re ready to jump-start your

business, make more money, and have more joy and excitement in your life, get your

FREE tips now at www.TheBusinessofYou.com.

1. I won’t be dieting. Let me be clear that I want to lose weight and feel healthy and energetic. BUT…I won’t be doing anything that focuses on calorie restriction or making certain foods “bad” (this is hard for me because I have strong feelings about organic, vegan foods). I’ve been down that road, and found it to be a dead-end that has no new scenery (and it doesn’t take me anywhere no matter how many times I’ve been down it–and I HAVE been down it).  So what will I do instead? Not entirely sure. But I do know that it will have something to do with intuitive eating and moving my body more.
2. I won’t be clamoring to “get organized” in ways that my born-organized friends do. I can learn from them and incorporate pieces of what they do. But seriously. I’ve got to start honoring my (piling) style. No, I don’t want to keep the piles. But the reason I pile is that I’m visual. So I want to honor that. My born organized friends can file things away and then find them. Me, not so much. So while I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing to get organized, I DO know I won’t be doing what I think I “should” be doing. Make sense? Organized, for me, may look different than what I or others think it “should” look like. This is actually true for me about parenting, and, well, life in general. No more imitating and praying for the same results as someone else. I don’t want to divulge how many organizing books I have on my shelves!
3. I won’t be perfecting my “persona”  at the expense of being authentic. Building an online business, it’s too easy for me to hide behind my brand “The Guilt Free Mom” and speak only from the expert, professional standpoint. In the past, the tone of my newsletters and e-mails has been rather impersonal and distanced. I still believe in being relevant to my readers and clients–I just want to do so with more transparency and intimacy. In short, I want to connect, but in a more intimate way.
4. I won’t be giving up coffee. I love the stuff. My two cups of day may go down to one, but that’s it. One of the nutritional gurus I adore, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, makes a compelling case for not needing stimulants to start the day, or get through it. I so agree with him on that point (and everything else he espouses). But here’s the deal. I already have a love/hate affair with sugar and with eating while stressed. I’m willing to address those issues, but for the time being, the coffee stays. For now.
5. I won’t be aspiring to be the perfect mom. One of my strengths and downfalls is that I am an idealist. This is great when it comes to coaching moms and helping them see the best in themselves. However, it’s not so great when it comes to idealizing what I should be doing as a mother (there’s that “should” word again). Yeah, I know the merits of chore charts (I should–I’ve started and stopped several of them), of organic, whole food for my children (no Cheez-Its for dinner?!), of limiting juice drinks (empty calories), of setting them up for a healthy adulthood and setting me up for a guilt-free old age. But even though I’ve tended to get excited by the idea of being this intentional, near- perfect mom (I can so see her in my head!), I also get 1) overwhelmed and 2) stuck in guilt and perfectionism. So this year, I won’t even aspire towards being The Perfect Mom. In her place will be….me. Of course, I won’t let the kids eat nothing but junk food and do whatever they want–but I’m not going to start the year beating myself up about an ideal that I’ll never reach.

So there they are. My declarations of “I won’ts.” The coach in me is clamoring to ask myself, “Okay, now we know what you don’t want. So, what do you want?” But for now, I’m going to let myself bask in the clarity of what I don’t want and what I won’t do.

Because it feels like self-acceptance.

And that’s a good place to start for 2010, or anytime.

As a mother, do you look forward to the holiday season?

1.  1. Keep your expectations in check, and get clear on what you want. What would a stress-free, guilt-free holiday look like for YOU? Never mind what your friends, neighbors, or even relatives want. If you were to have the holiday season unfold in a way that was just the way you want it, what would that look like? For me, it means minimal parties, lots of little traditions that don’t cost much (like reading holiday stories with my kids), enjoying the music of the season, and at least 20 minutes of alone time every day (Did you just snort with laughter at the thought of daily alone time ever happening? Hey, even ten minutes makes a difference, so at least try to sneak away to your bedroom for some peace and quiet!).  For one of my friends, however, keeping stress at bay means being around lots of people; it’s how she gets energized. Even though she’s not big on traditions (they went to the beach in Mexico for the holidays one year), she loves to bake and deliver the goodies to people, volunteer at a shelter, and hold elaborate holiday dinner parties. Just thinking about her schedule makes me tired! The key is to be clear on what a stress-free holiday experience looks like to you. Once you know what you need to stay out of melt-down mode you can create holiday experiences that match who you are.  If you feel guilty for focusing on what you need to avoid stress because it somehow seems selfish, remember that your kids need a calm mama with healthy boundaries more than any other holiday experience! If mama ain’t happy….
2. As a family, talk about what each person loves about the holidays and wants to be sure to include. See? You can let go of any guilt you’re feeling because you are now proactively thinking about your family members’ needs, as well as your own! At the beginning of the holiday season, ask each person what experiences they love most about the holidays. With young kids, you may have to ask the question a few different times, in a few different ways, to get beyond the answer, “Getting presents!” It can be helpful to write down everyone’s responses on a piece of paper (or better yet, poster board) so everyone’s input is taken into consideration. Note which family members are more introverted and like their downtime; they might be easily over-stimulated with too many parties. Also note whose answers seem like they crave being with others; they’ll need this outside stimulation to be their best. You might be surprised at how you can avoid melt-downs just  by being clear on a)what holiday experiences each family member values most, and b)how much down-time each person needs to ward off stress.
3. Practice the power of gratitude and appreciation by keeping a gratitude list. There’s just nothing like taking stock of all the good that’s already present in your life to give you that much-needed energy to enjoy the holidays. For example, as I was driving to meet a client today, I started thinking about all the thank you cards and gifts I wanted to send to various people. Immediately, I felt overwhelmed. But then I had another thought: “How amazing that I have this ‘problem’ of sending out thank yous; it means I have awesome people in my life that have touched it in some way and I want to be sure to thank them.”  All of a sudden, I saw myself as blessed. I was proud that I could turn the thought around and see the good in the situation. I’ll definintely be writing about this on my gratitude list tonight! By the way, I’m not disciplined enough to keep a “gratitude journal.” However, by calling it a “list” I take the pressure off myself to write a ton. This doesn’t have to be hard in order to be effective!

Really, one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your family is to focus on what really matters to you during this holiday season. Let go of activities or traditions that stress you out, and keep the ones that bring meaning and joy to your life. In the end, all we really have are our memories, so go create some peaceful, stress-free and guilt-free ones!

I must confess. There are times that working from home  and seeing the housework that awaits  really bums me out.

For me, the positives from working from home as a mompreneur far outweigh the negatives. When I think back to being a technical writer or a teacher, I remember how stressed I was to have to work on someone else’s terms. Sick days were cause for a mommy melt-down, as finding a substitute teacher (particularly when I taught emotionally disturbed kids) was often impossible. Other stresses were that I often didn’t agree with the way the organizations were run; I wasn’t able to tap into my strengths and creativity in ways that nourished me. Running my own business feeds that creative part of me that thrives on autonomy and innovation. So, here are my top 3 reasons I think being a mompreneur rocks:

1. I’m the boss, applesauce! I’m in charge of my own destiny. Like it or not, my success or failure is, in large part, up to me. While this often scares the pants off me, it also exhilarates and delights me.
2. I am doing something I am passionate about and that feels like spiritual work.  This is big. Nowadays, motherhood can be a competitive sport, and mompreneurs are not immune to this. I get to be part of a movement to help moms use their strengths so they can be leaders in their fields and leaders with their kids. How awesome is that?
3. I’m on a roller-coaster ride of self-growth. I’ve learned more about myself in my four years of being a mompreneur than I ever could’ve imagined. There have been times I’ve wanted off this wild ride, but overall, I’m a better person for it. I’m learning to be less driven by my ego and more about service. I’m constantly learning new ideas about growing my business and how to help my clients. I’m learning patience and perseverance. Being a mompreneur has shined a light on my strengths and my weaknesses. I’ve learned to be open to new ideas and viewpoints and to let go and laugh.

So what’s the one way being a mompreneur doesn’t  rock? This would have to be that I am constantly wrestling with my passion for my business and my passion for my family. It’s common that I’m thinking about a blog post or a podcast, while in the middle of reading to my daughters. I know, I know. This isn’t being mindful. But I’m being real here. I love what I do and I love my family. And because I work from home in my own biz, I am constantly deciding where to give my attention. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling a bunch of balls while riding on a roller coaster!

But mostly I feel grateful to be doing what I’m doing. I’m modeling for my daughters how to take initiative, start something you believe in, succeed, fail, learn, learn some more, and create.

And that just rocks.

BizMom’s “Secrets Revealed” Retreat

November 7-8, 2009, Salt Lake City, Utah

As a Millionaire Mindset BizMom have you ever…
…hidden in a closet so your kids can’t find you while you made a business call?
…raced through a fast food joint to feed the family in time to meet a deadline?
….spent hours strip searching your desk for that important piece of paper?
….been drowning in email “Quick Sand”?
….had a child in “melt down” while you were on the phone?
…felt like you were running way-past “empty” just trying to get it all done?

Chances are you have attended educational conferences and hired expensive coaches to help you grow your business, but have you ever had an opportunity to invest in blending your family life with your business? That’s what the “Secrets Revealed” Retreat is all about.

In just two days you’ll see, feel and learn first-hand the secrets that will take the STRUGGLING out of the JUGGLING of running a business and a busy family simultaneously.

Here are just a few of the take-aways from organizing expert Debbye Cannon and parenting expert Karen Bierdeman:

* Your personalized, automatic meal system to save you 10+ hours a week and still have “good’ meals. (Turning this time into income = $500+ more per week!)

* Proven strategies for succeeding with that “head strong” child. (Priceless!)

* Long lasting office organizing systems that support your unique business for higher productivity. (Estimated savings of 5 hours per week to use for sleep or personal fitness-we know that’s what you give up first!)

* Communication secrets that create a peaceful environment in your home and office.

* Speed shopping SMARTcuts^TM so you have what you need, when you need it. (Save 2 hours per week. Work 1 hour and get a massage with the other!)

* Creating cooperative support teams that share the load at home and in the office so you are doing less work. (You didn’t even know that was possible did you?)

This is the first (and maybe once in a lifetime) chance to see behind the curtain and immerse yourself in a high functioning, flexibily organized home and home office AND get personalized parent coaching all in one FUN weekend. Not only that, but we’ve even set up a kids’ “Day Camp” in case you need (or want) to make it a “mom and me adventure”!

Your final question…what’s it cost? Sign up now for just $1497. We’ve even included local transportation, meals and supplies. Optional: airfare, hotel (we’ve got a sweet deal for you) and Day Camp. Three pay option available ($525 ea).

You knew it was coming…here’s your “call to action” because there are only EIGHT tiny little spots for this incredible life changing retreat. So reserve TODAY before it’s too late, we ONLY have room for 8!

Contact me now to reserve your spot!
Debbye(at)BizMomMentor.com Subject Line: Retreat

Here’s a great e-mail that is circulating through the Momosphere. While I have no idea who originally wrote it, I do know that it definitely rings true for many of us. Any thoughts?

Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,  I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging 
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. 
Candidates must possess excellent communication 
and organizational skills and be willing to work 
var iable hours, which will include evenings and weekends 
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.  Some overnight travel required, including trips to  primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.  Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. 
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,  until someone needs $5.  Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.  Also, must possess the physical stamina of a  pack mule  and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat20
in case, this time, the screams from  the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.  Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,  such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets  and stuck zippers.Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and  coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings  for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.  Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and be
an embarrassment the next.  Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a  half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.  Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.  Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and  janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.  Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,  so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!  Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because  of the assumption that college will help them  become financially independent.  When you die, you give them whatever is left. 
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that 
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,  no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and  no stock options are offered;  this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, 
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do…
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE**
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!!

Excellent question. It all depends on how you define guilt. There have been several helpful books on the market dealing with motherhood and guilt (Mommy Guilt, I Was A Really Great Mom Before I Had Kids, Motherhood Without Guilt, among others). One thread that runs throughout such books is that moms often have impossible expectations of themselves. The mythical, “perfect mommy” is a caricature that lives on in the media, and in our heads (okay, maybe not your head–but often in mine). While my mom’s generation had Dr. Spock to look to for advice, my generation has TV shows, websites, books, and advice from friends and family to “help.” This means that now you can compare yourself to (and receive advice from) moms in chat rooms, moms on message boards,  moms who write the parenting books, and any and all moms!

Really, the up side is that there is more support than ever “out there” for moms. Freaked out about your child’s rash? Wondering what to do with your picky eater? Your search engine awaits, eager to spit back at you hundreds of answers. But what do you do with the answers that don’t “jibe” with you? Do you run them through your personal filter (like your value system, your strengths, your intution)? If you don’t, you’re likely to bump up against mom guilt.

   It’s helpful to make the distinction between two kinds of guilt: toxic guilt and healthy guilt. Toxic guilt whispers in your ear, “You don’t measure up. Just look at what THAT mom is doing. Too bad you’re not like that.” It also talks to you in absolute terms that  impart no hope: “You always yell when you’re angry. Keep it up and your child will never learn how to behave appropriately.” Heathy guilt, by contrast, is like an inner GPS that can lead you to your “True North.” This is, among other things, your conscience nudging you to make a different choice, to learn from your mistakes. One says, “You suck.” The other says, “Oops. Missed the mark. Try again.”

So yes. I do think there can be a guilt-free mom: one who’s free of toxic guilt. By learning to tap into your strengths, build on what’s working, tailor your parenting strategies to your personality style and your child’s needs you can steer clear of the kind of guilt that causes you to stay stuck. You know how plaque lines artery walls and prevents healthy blood flow? Well, toxic guilt is like that. It lines your heart and mind and prevents the healthy flow of life. Healthy guilt, which is your inner GPS to make a change, can stay. But say adios to toxic guilt.

1. Compare yourself  to other mothers, and be sure to do so frequently. This is especially helpful if you pick moms whose personality styles are massively different than yours. For example, say you are very emotionally sensitive and introverted.  Be SURE to compare yourself to a mom who is outgoing and more focused on results than emotions. I know, I know—I’m stereotyping here, and maybe that’s not fair. But the point’s not lost, is it? If you were to actually realize that we’re all wired differently and bring different strengths (and weaknesses) to the table, well, that wouldn’t help you feel bad NEARLY as much as ignoring those facts.

2. Take to heart any and all criticisms of your parenting without filtering them through your own value system. Say a friend of yours whose company you enjoy from time to time tells you that she thinks your child’s bad behavior is because of,  well, YOU. She goes on to say that your child would behave much better and be less of an embarrassment in public if only you would set limits in a certain way. If you want to be sure to feel bad, believe what she says, hook, line and sinker. Do NOT ask yourself questions such as, “Does she have my best interests at heart or is this more about her?” and “Do I even respect the way my friend parents her children?” “Do we value the same things in raising our kids?” Whatever you do, do NOT examine whether your personality styles are similar or different (see #1, above).

3. Feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It’s REALLY effective if you decide up front that your life is just too crazy, too busy and your kids are just too demanding for you to take any time for yourself. Also, be sure to be a perfectionist about this whole self-care thing. If you do manage to get ten minutes to yourself to check your e-mail and have a cup of coffee, be sure to discount it because it wasn’t a trip to the spa, complete with a massage and People magazine. Don’t be clear with your spouse or partner that you need some alone time, either; after all, do you really need it? Isn’t it just a luxury? Yes, deciding self-care’s a luxury will really help you feel bad.

4. Only look at what you have yet to do, instead of what you’ve already accomplished. This tip is perfect for the new year. While you’re taking stock of your life, don’t focus on what you’ve done well, because doing so will motivate you and give you energy to move forward. It’s much more effective to berate yourself for all the tasks left undone. Painted the kitchen and remodeled the downstairs bathroom? Don’t rest on your laurels! Ask yourself, “Why can’t I be more like my friend Susie? She painted and remodeled AND homeschools her children!” Be sure to always focus on what you still need to do, and not where you’ve been and what you’ve done.

5. Do NOT have a sense of humor about yourself, parenting, or life, in general. If you WERE to find parts of your life funny, you’d also find yourself cutting yourself some slack, and perhaps even realizing that, most of the time, you’re truly doing the best you can. We can’t have that, can we? No, no. Be serious. Very serious. There is no margin for error in parenting; it’s serious business. If you find yourself laughing at how you made a mistake, quickly self-correct by stopping the laugher and smiling, and replacing them with negative self-jugments. You’ll feel lousy in no time!

1. “We don’t believe in brushing hair in our family; it’s against our   religion.”

2.  “Thank you for sharing. Please don’t do it again.”

3. “Wow. I am so glad you shared that with me. Now I can sleep tonight knowing you have set me straight.”

4. “Wow. That means a lot coming from you” (said in a monotone).

5. “I know! I AM a horrible mother! Is there any hope for me at all?”

6. “I guess only one of us can win “Mother of the Year” award, and since you’ve already won it, I should just give up.”

7. “Are you always this rude? Does it come naturally or do you have to work at it?”

Mind you, I wouldn’t say these things. No, no. I’d just want to. A lot of times what I really DO say when my daughter is tantrumming in public and someone says, “Ewww…what a brat” is, “Hmmmmmm…..” That’s it. It buys me time and helps me relax a bit. Sometimes I feel defensive and let a snarky, “Thanks for sharing” slip. But most of the time I don’t. What’s the worst thing someone has said to you about YOUR parenting? What do you wish you would’ve said?