I’m excited to have guest blogger, Connie Hammer, sharing her expertise with us on my blog! Connie is an expert on parenting children with autism, and she will be sharing her on a regular basis. Let’s face it. Mom guilt can rear it’s head in almost any parenting situation, and if you’re parenting a child who has special needs (whether strong willed or autistic or just plain challening for you), you may feel anxious, guilty and overwhelmed. So even if you don’t have a child with autism, Connie’s tips can help you refocus and tap into more energy. If you want to know more about her and connect with her, be sure to scroll to the bottom of her post for her contact information.

When we first find out we are expecting a baby, we begin to cultivate dreams for our child that we sometimes find difficult to contain. Thanks to advances in science we are able to eliminate the fear of some designated diseases, anticipate the potential for various family traits, and predict the specific gender of our child.  With that as a backdrop for our parenting journey, we start to paint a picture of our new life by developing aspirations for our child’s future along with expectations for a particular emotional relationship with them.

Then reality hits and we all have to put some of our preconceived notions aside and make adjustments to our ways of thinking. Small disappointments about the color of your child’s eyes or the lack of interest in the toys you saved from your childhood are relatively easy to handle. But when your smiling toddler loses her capacity to cuddle or maintain eye contact, or your son’s connection to you slowly dissolves only to be replaced by a fixation with the repetitive motion of some obscure object, it becomes a much more difficult pill to swallow. As the gut feeling in your stomach grows and slowly propels you out of your state of denial, the confirmation of a diagnosis by a doctor is often accompanied by fear, confusion, doubt and guilt.

Despite the verdict of autism, all parents have their own way of coping with or digesting this unwelcome news. Some may be relieved to finally have a term to associate with their child’s distant behavior, some may see it as a life sentence and others will look for explanations as to how this could have happened. Most parents will experience a combination of these feelings but one common denominator for many is a preoccupation with finding fault, which often involves assigning blame to themselves – for something they did or did not do.

This is when parents need to stop and take a step back to that time when the dreams they had for their relationship with their child was full of potential. The question of the day becomes – Does a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder really limit my emotional connection to my child? All children are wired differently and our child’s emotional availability will depend on where your child lies on the autism spectrum. Lamenting about being short changed or possibly having done something to cause the condition of autism will not move anyone closer together. Expending your limited energy on blame and guilt is unproductive and wasteful. So how does a parent of a child with autism put their time and energy to better use?

The pain of realizing your child may never display the level of physical affection that you had hoped for is not to be treated lightly. A situation such as this calls for a certain type of mindset and shift in perspective. As adults we tend to make the mistake of expecting our children to conform to our world but a much more productive approach, especially with autistic children, is to invade ‘their world’. The more a parent can experience the world through an autistic lens, the more one can easily understand and accept their child’s unique way of relating.  Making an effort to enter into your child’s world will help you discover the particular nuances in his or her behavior that signify a real connection to you. So if you find yourself in this situation, I challenge you to put your energy to better use.  Look upon your circumstance as a new adventure and focus on playing detective. Become alert and watchful for those slight gestures and signs that say “I care” – you may be pleasantly surprised at what you find. That blank stare focused in your direction may be saying a lot more than you think. 

Connie Hammer, MSW, consultant, parent educator and PCI certified parent coach, supports parents of young children recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder by uncovering abilities and changing possibilities. If you are looking for simple ways to fine-tune your parent-child connection, get your FREE ecourse and weekly parenting tips on how to create the family life you desire and deserve, visit http://www.parentcoachingforautism.com