Maybe you’re not as weird as MY family (or maybe you won’t admit it! Ha!), but there’s something that we do in the Bierdeman house that helps us bond together and feel closer.

No, what we do is waaaaaaay more mundane and idiosyncratic. My husband and I started doing it before we had kids, and then we just continued right along after the kids were born.  Ready for my silly little secret? It’s that we have our own language in our house. My husband would kill me if I divulged too much, like the silly names we call one another. However, you really don’t need to know the exact names to understand the power behind using them. Heck, my husband could call me “mashed potatoes” and it could have great meaning for me (unless he did it around PMS time–all bets are off then!).

It all started because my husband and I love words. We love playing with them, being silly with them, and just engaging in word games. Often we’d just reverse the first letters of two words, such as “gilly sirl” for “silly girl.” Sometimes we’d just call each other by completely weird names. One day, out of the blue, I started calling him “Frank.” Of course, he answered. Then this craziness extended to our pets. Our cat “Gabby” became a whole host of other names that have nothing to do with the original name!  Once our children came, do you think  we were about to stop? No way! And so each of our babies had a multitude of nicknames. Now, as a family, we often make up names for people, famous or not. It doesn’t really matter. We just have fun with it.

This secret language has become a sort of code, or shorthand, for communicating our closeness and bond with one another (it’s like by using a secret pet name you’re using language as a bar code to the heart, where connection is made). Instead of  just saying, “I love you and I’m glad you’re here” (which we still say outright to one another), we use our own language to create that closeness. The other day, my youngest daughter had a bad day at school. So, once she was home,  I called her by one of her many silly names, “Lucy,” and gave her a hug. Inherent in that nickname, which is nothing like her given name, by the way, was the unspoken message, “You’re here with someone who knows you and loves you. All is well.”  As she snuggled into my arms, she whispered, “Yep. I’m Lucy.” Sweet.

In the context our busy lives, where one thing after another seems to happen and need to be dealt with, we need ways to stay connected that are easy. Really, using our secret family language has become like a ritual to us. Rituals are very grounding and serve to connect us to ourselves, to one another, and to our Source. The cool thing is, they don’t have to cost you anything but a few seconds, and yet, the dividends are huge.

What are YOUR unique, idiosyncratic rituals in your family that serve to help you stay connected? I’d love to hear!

“You’re mean! You don’t care that you’re ruining my life! I don’t wanna move!”

Instead, I do what I wish MY parents would’ve done with ME. I attempt to validate her feelings. I say things like, “This is hard for you. You really wish it were different and that we were staying here.” She retorts, “Stop it! I don’t want to hear that! Don’t tell me how I feel!” Okay….so the direct approach isn’t working. Perhaps the indirect approach will. I surreptiously (or so I think) search Amazon for children’s books on moving. My daughter sees me about to order a few and says, “Those might make YOU feel better, but they won’t work for me. I don’t want them.” Another sigh.

My next thought is to look at how to provide stability for her now, even in the midst of getting ready to move. So, my husband and I make a pact NOT to discuss the move in front of her, especially when it comes to major uncertainties like what house we’ll be renting, in what school district, etc. This seems to help calm things around the Bierdeman home. A little. Except for I notice that she seems anxious and angry about the smallest things. Like her sister wanting to read one of her books. Or her dad asking if her is she wants him to read to her. “NO!” is her standard response, followed by tears. This isn’t always the case; there are plenty of times when she is happily playing, reading, riding her bike. But always, there is an undercurrent of sadness and anger in this sweet girl. And it is sometimes gut-wrenching.

From a professional distance, I know that her temperament plays a big part in her reaction. She is slow to warm to new people and to transitions. She is intense emotionally and energetically. Her mood is often unpredictable. This little girl is the most amazing human being–so creative, so loving, so bright, so fiery, so passionate, so sensitive . She is not an easy child to parent–and I attribute a lot of that to my being wired similarly to her.  But I am not parenting from a professional standpoint. I am parenting with my heart, and it’s aching for my child. Not in a way that makes me unable to function. No, this is one of those very primal aches that mothers everywhere get when they know they can’t “fix it” for their child because there are just some things that are life lessons.

Ouch.

My plan, which is really more of a set of intentions than anything else, is to remain aware of my daughter’s feelings and to be present to her throughout them. I’ll continue to set healthy limits and to provide as much structure as possible, knowing that this process is still stressful for her and for all of us. I’ll be aware of my tendency to want her sad and angry feelings to go away so I can feel like a better mom. Isn’t a (reasonably) healthy family the perfect place to practice how to navigate life’s changes? I think so.

And this too shall pass.

I don’t know about you, but I grew up with a big list o’ things I would NEVER say to MY kids.

When I was in college studying Psychology (and analyzing all the things my parents did wrong!), my long  list o’things grew even longer. You can only imagine what happened to my list when I was in graduate school, studying “childhood behavior disorders”! Every thing my mom said in anger or to provoke guilt was magnified by all of my research and reading. Once I began teaching inner city kids who were “behavior disordered” or “emotionally disturbed” I was very clear on what kind of mom I would someday be.  I was equally clear on what kind of mom I would NOT be (cue laughter—maniacal, hysterical laughter).

Funny how life works, eh? The more we run away from something instead of confronting it head-on, the more it chases us and velcros itself to us. At least, that’s how it’s been with me.  And so it’s been with my parenting. “I’ll never do that” becomes fodder for guilt because a)the word “never” is a sure set-up for failure and b)I’m reacting to how I was parented rather than being proactive about how I will parent. Let me share some of the items on my “I’ll Never…” list (that I started as a kid):

• I’ll never say sarcastically, “Keep it up, missy! I guess you LIKE going to bed early!”
• I’ll never cry and ask, “Why can’t you do what I ask? Why? Is it so hard?”
• I’ll never say, “You’re so sensitive. We have to walk on eggshells around you.”
• I’ll never say, “You’re the messy one, and your sister is the neat one.”
• I’ll never say, “You think you have it so hard! Poor you! Give me a break!”

Now that I am a parent of two girls, I can say that I haven’t actually said those particular things to my girls.  My resolve to not say certain things that my mother said has held true. So why do I feel I’ve become my mother? I think it’s that my mom was an introverted, sensitive, easily overwhelmed, creative person—and so am I. As a child, she wasn’t affirmed for who she was: sensitive, intuitive, etc. (in fact, quite the opposite was true–she had a horrific childhood). Consequently, as an adult, she didn’t accept and affirm herself. She didn’t like the fact that she was easily overwhelmed or sensitive; it made life (and especially mothering) harder. So I can only imagine how difficult it must’ve been for her to have a daughter who mirrored those exact qualities.

 In essence, I’ve” become my mother” in that there are aspects of me that are easily overwhelmed , where I struggle with sensitivity and where I can become reactive to my kids.  In an effort NOT to say ”those” things to my kids, I’ve REACTED by sometimes not setting limits where I need to. For example,  rather than shaming or blaming my kids by saying, “Keep it up” sarcastically, I’ve been a martyr that has “let” them continue doing something, because I was so afraid of saying something my mom said. Neither shaming/blaming nor being a martyr is being a healthy, proactive parent. Dang.

So what’s a mom to do?

1. Recognize that your own parents could only parent you with the tools they had available at the time. My mom wasn’t given many tools to be a healthy parent, so I KNOW she wasn’t withholding them from me (she didn’t have them in her took kit to give).
2. Recognize the parts of your parents that you DO appreciate. My mom’s sense of humor is something I still cherish, long after she’s passed away. I can even look back and see how that humor helped my childhood be better than it otherwise could’ve been.
3. Accept that all parents are “perfectly imperfect.” As one of my friends likes to joke, “Honey, you might as well be saving for college AND therapy for your kids, because it’s just not possible for kids to love and accept all that their parents say and do.” If you have a need to be liked, this may be extra hard for you.
4. Focus on the strengths you DO bring to motherhood.  This can be tricky for many moms. It can be helpful to think of a time in your life when all was going well, when you were at their best. What were you saying, doing, being? What qualities/strengths did you use during this time? For example, getting through graduate school was one of the most difficult and rewarding times in my life. I definitely used my sense of humor, my willingness to persevere, my ability to dream big about my future, as well as other strengths, to thrive (not just survive) during this time. Motherhood is so much easier when we lead with our strengths.
5. Focus on the kind of adult you hope to raise (e.g., kind, persevering, etc.) and let your intention guide your actions. This is NOT to say that you won’t fall short of your vision. We all “lose it” and say and do things we regret. So it’s not about “I’ll never say and do THAT” but rather “Here’s what I intend to say and do now so that I increase the odds of raising my child to be a great adult.” Motherhood is hard enough and there are enough people out there ready and willing to judge you–YOU don’t need to do it to yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Did you have your “I’ll NEVER…” list about being a mom? Did you promise to yourself that you’d never feed your kids sugary cereal and now buy Froot Loops every week? What parts of your parents do you see in yourself? Have you embraced them? What helps YOU be an intentional mom?

As a mompreneur, how do you see yourself?

It’s easy to think that everybody else has it easier than we do. I t’s true I don’t work for someone else’s company outside my home. But I am a working mom. Oops. Do I sound defensive? Probably. I honor all moms. Stay at home moms work. Work outside the home moms work. Work at home moms work. All moms work. How we work looks different based on our circumstances.

I think as mompreneurs we need to acknowledge that we are in a very unique category, and with that comes unique needs and challenges. Yes, we work from home, and that enables us to do some pretty cool things that work-outside-the-home moms might find more challenging: put dinner in the crockpot, throw a load of clothes in the wash, read our child a story or help her with homework, write a blog post, talk to a client, lead a teleseminar. Still, because we work from home, we can be pulled in several different directions. We can be painfully aware of our children or husband needing us (and don’t forget the dog),  while we are busily working away on our businesses. We are constantly being called to be intentional with our time and our boundaries in ways that differ from other moms. It doesn’t make us better or worse. It just makes us different.

As mompreneurs we need  a tribe of people who “get” us. We are trailblazing a new path in motherhood, which is both exciting and overwhelming. Because of this, we need support that is tailored to our unique situations. Our tribe can consist of other mompreneurs (both as friends and business partners), life and business coaches, virtual assistants, etc. The key is to surround ourselves with people with whom we resonate and who support us. Sometimes these relationships will be reciprocal (as in friendships or business partnerships). Other times, they might be others we pay to provide a service that makes our life easier (such as a virtual assistant or a housecleaner). I think it’s important to have both kinds of relationships so we can build our tribe of support. I’ll admit that one of the reasons I love hangin’ with other mompreneurs is that we “get” each other on a fundamental level. We understand the desire to work for ourselves, to have a flexible schedule so we can be there for our kids, to leave our mark on the world as a mother and as an entrepreneur. All moms deserve their own tribe.

Who’s in your tribe?

When you’re stressed and you want to throw in the motherhood towel, it’s nice to know you’ve got friends you can call.

Or can they? It’s important to know which friends are “activity friends” and which are “heart” friends. Both are essential. And both fill different roles. “Activity” friends are the kind of people you want to do fun things with—like go to the movies, scrapbook, or go shopping. With these friends, the focus is on the shared activity. With “heart” friends, you share your innermost feelings and thoughts. You support one another, commiserate, and share, well, your heart. You don’t worry about being judged. While you may very well go to the movies or shopping with these friends, the emphasis is really on the deep sharing you do.

Knowing this distinction can save you much pain down the road. Expecting people to be what they’re not is a set-up for disappointment. For both of you. As a mom of a challenging child, I was confiding in a friend about my daughter’s melt-down that very morning.  My friend, not mincing words, retorted, “When my daughter pulls that, I don’t let her get away with it. I am the one in charge. So I rarely see that kind of behavior.” Ugh. I felt judged and unheard. My mistake? Forgetting that this friend was an activity friend: someone I have coffee with to talk about art, but not someone who shares my parenting values. In fact, we definitely do NOT share the same perspective on how to parent.  I was expecting her to behave as a heart friend, but our friendship is not about that.

If your child is intense and challenging, you, especially have to pick your friends wisely. Unless they have one, most moms (and people in general) don’t know what it’s like to have a child like yours. After all, your child looks the same on the outside, so “normal” parenting techniques should work, right? You can’t see someone’s inborn temperament–only the expression of it, which is their personality and behavior. So it’s essential self-care that you pick people with whom you can be real. Even if your heart friend doesn’t have an intense child, if she is truly a heart friend she will be willing to hear you. She may not agree with you all the time but that won’t matter. What really matters is that you have a friend or two with whom you can be seen and heard. Because on the tough mothering days, you’re going to need it.

Hey, moms!

I want to give you a heads-up about an upcoming event that will help you parent your challenging child more easily and with way less stress. If you’ve ever thought, “I’m so tired of feeling guilty. Why does parenting have to be so hard?” you’ll be glad to know that I’m offering a 5-week teleseminar,

“5 Weeks To Lasting Peace with Your Intense, Difficult Child.”

By the time this teleseminar ends, you’ll have more energy and enjoy your child more. Not only will you learn powerful techniques for creating lasting change in your intense child, you also get to do so from the comfort of your own home!

As my Valentine’s Day gift to you, I am offering a sweetheart of a deal.

As my way of encouraging you to give up the guilt and feel better fast, register by midnight, February 28th, and I’ll give you $50 toward the teleseminar.

So, what gives? Is your child out to get you when he or she misbehaves? Nope. Not really. What your child wants is your energy. Your relationship. Your time, attention, connection. And challenging, intense kids have an uncanny knack for knowing EXACTLY how to extract those goodies. And it usually ain’t pretty. Because intense kids are harder to parent, they are used to getting their “goodies” or sense of relationship with us when things aren’t going well (i.e., when they misbehave and we react).

We’re all wired to connect and be in relationship. It’s just that intense, challenging kids have it all upside down. They are addicted to being in relationship with us when things aren’t going well. And they can be quite talented at knowing just what to say and do to get parents to react.

So know this, when you feel your buttons getting pushed:  your child isn’t out to get you–just your energy. He or she is looking to see if you give more of your energy when things are going well, or when they aren’t. One of THE most important things to know in working with challenging kids is that they pay very close attention to what YOU pay attention to. Your child interprets the times you choose to radiate your greatest energy (whether with lots of animation and hugs when things are going well or lots of lectures and yelling and words when things aren’t)  to be the actions you value the most and want more of.  Flipping when you give your energy and relationship to your child will help you be on your way to more peaceful, effective parenting.

Traditions help us slow down and enjoy life. They connect us to a deeper part of ourselves–the part that wants comfort and connection. However, one thing that can get in the way of enjoying traditions is sticking to ones that no longer bring you joy. If they’re not fun anymore, let ‘em go! I used to go crazy trying to bake everything I loved as a kid—from the Eggnog Bread I started making in 6th grade to the perfect sugar cookies with icing. And I started dreading it every December. One day, it finally occurred to me that I could still bake, but I didn’t have bake everything I loved! Instead, I chose two things to make every year and stick with those (for the record, they are rolled sugar cookies and Russian Tea Cakes). Now I’m not a crazy, stressed mom who yells, “Get out of the kitchen, I’m TRYING to have fun baking! Shoo!”

Being intentional about which traditions you keep can help you relax and enjoy them. Another idea is to create your own rituals and traditions.. A fabulous book that will help you do this with fun and ease is The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays and Everyday, by Meg Cox. Run out and get this book because it will help you celebrate EVERY day, not just the holidays. The book talks about rituals for the usual holidays, and has additional ones for events like half birthdays, mealtimes, hellos and goodbyes, doing chores, childhood milestones, and manhy more. In it, the author says,

I like to say that family ritual is pretty much anything families do together deliberately, as long as its juiced up with some flourish that lifts it above humdrum routine. Repeated words or actions, special food or music, or a heightened sense of attention can provide the juice…Ritual is a package deal. It’s everything we do to celebrate our families, not just on special occasions but also every day, every meal, every bath and every bedtime story. In ritual, little is big; although dress-up holidays with lavish feasts are fun, it’s the everyday traditions that determine how we experience our families, and demonstrate hands-on love to our children.

What I love about what Meg Cox’s message is that it takes the pressure off of having “perfect holiday traditions” and instead focuses on connecting in the mundane moments we all have. So if holiday baking ain’t your thang, then no worries. The form your rituals and traditions take isn’t as important as your willingness to create and participate in them. This holiday season, let tradition be one of many tools you use to create lasting memories and peace.

1. Know Thyself. As I’ve mentioned before, knowing your personality style and what makes you tick as a mother is very freeing. It helps you recognize your strengths, and leverage your weaknesses (and we’ve all got a combo of both!). A great resource for this is Janet Penley’s book, Motherstyles. Also, check out my podcast (in the right sidebar of my home page) I did with Janet where we talk about how every style of mom has both merits and challenges.

2. Keep a Gratitude List every day. Don’t call it a “gratitude journal” if that stresses you out. Think of it as a piece of paper next to your bed where you jot down what you’re thankful for that day. I’ve included things like, “I didn’t yell today” and “The color of the Fall leaves.” It’s amazing how feeling gratitude (even when it’s easier to feel anger or sadness because your child’s behavior leaves you baffled) can help you feel better about yourself and your life.

3. Remember a time when you were at your best. One of the moms I worked with learned to ski at the age of 40. The obstacles she overcame (both in life and on the ski slope!) to learn this skill gave her a huge boost of self-confidence in all areas of her life. For me, it was deciding to quit teaching and become a parenting coach. I look back at that decision and immediately can tap into how much courage it took to leave a steady job (and a career I’d already been trained for) to follow my dreams. Since I’ve acted courageously before, I know I can do it again. Have one or two “peak moments” to remember. It’s only fair to remember when you were at your best, because we know how easy it is to remember yourself at your worst. When you feel better about yourself as a mother, you are calmer, more patient and more centered. If you slip and start ragging on yourself, you can quickly forgive yourself and move on. Then you can add “I forgave myself for not being perfect” to your gratitude list.

   But..comparing yourself to other moms is like comparing apples to other types of fruit and wondering why they’re not the same. The comparison isn’t a fair one because there are too many factors that make moms unique. One of these is personality style. If you are an introverted mom who favors smaller, more intimate groups of people over large crowds, your preference has a lot to do with your personality style. The same is true if you are more extroverted and crave the excitement that being around a lot of people brings.

To further add to the mix, some of us are tend more towards using our “thinking” preferences and others of use our “feeling” ones. I tend to lead with my feelings, and my first concern when I make decisions is often how my children feel. If I compare myself to a mom whose style predisposes her to stand back and let her children work things out, it’s really a moot point. Both of us approach mothering from different viewpoints, different “lenses.” When I compare myself to another mom’s style and come up short, what I am really doing is making mothering harder. I’m not seeing what I bring to the table. Instead, I’m thinking about how I can be more like the mom to whom I am comparing myself.

   Are we willing to stop comparing ourselves? How about if we replace negative comparisons with better questions to ourselves. Questions like, “What qualities does that mom have that I’d like to develop more in myself?” “What do I already bring to the table that helps my children?” We have to be our own advocates. Knowing our personality style and its corresponding strengths helps us do that. THAT’S how we become more effective. Not by comparing. And certainly not by noticing how we come up short. Stay tuned for Part II, where I’ll talk about some resources to help you on this path.