Spanking is a hot topic. It’s just about as divisive as where your kids sleep, what you do when they DON’T, how you handle tantrums and power struggles and other parenting dilemmas. Unlike when I was a kid (waaaaay back in the 1970′s), spanking is not something that parents “just do” anymore. (By the way, it’s obvious I’ve been honing my manipulation skills for many years, as I have a distinct memory of my mom spanking me at age 8 and my crying out plaintively to her, “If it makes you feel better to hurt me, then do it.” She ran out of the room crying, and didn’t spank me again). No, the parenting and political climates have changed, which means that the public perception of spanking has changed too. Oh, I know of a few moms who still spank, but most don’t.
Except for they really do. They just don’t spank their children. They spank themselves, and they do it emotionally and psychically (they also do it to one another in the form of mom bullying; click here to read my previous post about that). Seriously. Moms rip themselves apart by comparing themselves to other moms, by constantly focusing on their weaknesses and coming up short, by telling themselves messages that they’re bad moms. Here are some ways moms spank themselves (most of these I know from personal experience):
- Thinking, “I shouldn’t need parenting support. MY parents didn’t. What’s wrong with me?”
- Wondering, on a daily or hourly basis, “Am I doing this right?” or “If I get this wrong, I really suck.”
- Reviewing the day and mentally recounting all the mistakes they made.
- Believing that “maternal instinct” means always liking your child.
- Putting off self-care until a crisis hits because they believe it’s selfish and a waste of time that they really don’t have.
- Comparing their “insides” with other moms’ “outsides.”
If you don’t spank your child, why do you spank yourself? Moms who spank (and I am not among them and do not encourage my clients to use spanking) often say they do it because it’s the only thing that gets their child’s attention. Haven’t you gotten your own attention yet? Better yet, isn’t there another way to get yourself to pay attention to what’s important so you can make changes? No need to “spank” yourself for having negative, self-depracating thoughts; that’d be a vicious cycle! Instead of spanking, try this:
- Notice when you’re starting to feel bad about yourself as a mother. What were you thinking about just then?
- Keep track mentally (or by writing down) of the negative thoughts you hold about your mothering.
- Question these thoughts. Believe it or not, the mere act of questioning your mind is often enough to jolt you out of the habit of simply believing what you think.
- Accept that you have parenting beliefs and behaviors that you want to change, and that you’re not alone; we all do.
- For every part of yourself you’re tempted to “spank,” require yourself to remember a part of yourself that you appreciate.
- Be kind to yourself when you go on autopilot and judge yourself harshly. It’s like helping your child learn a new skill; you’re doing the same.
My passionate views on supporting moms don’t mean I am a “let-it-all-hang-out-baby-anything-goes” coach. If you’re doing something that’s harming your child, stop. Not every behavior we do is okay, and yes, often we need to recalibrate and make new choices. But the same goes for you. If you’re doing something that’s harming YOU, like mentally and emotionally spanking yourself several times per day, stop. You (and your children) don’t learn by being in toxic shame.
The world needs moms who value themselves so they can teach others to value them. It all starts with modeling it for others.
Stop spanking yourself and don’t let others do it to you, either.
This is second part of a two-part post by guest blogger Beth Shepard. To read Part 1, go 
