Spanking is a hot topic.

Except for they really do. They just don’t spank their children. They spank themselves, and they do it emotionally and psychically (they also do it to one another in the form of mom bullying; click here to read my previous post about that). Seriously. Moms rip themselves apart by comparing themselves to other moms, by constantly focusing on their weaknesses and coming up short, by telling themselves messages that they’re bad moms. Here are some ways moms spank themselves (most of these I know from personal experience):

• Thinking, “I shouldn’t need parenting support. MY parents didn’t. What’s wrong with me?”
• Wondering, on a daily or hourly basis, “Am I doing this right?” or “If I get this wrong, I really suck.”
• Reviewing the day and mentally recounting all the mistakes they made.
• Believing that “maternal instinct” means always liking your child.
• Putting off self-care until a crisis hits because they believe it’s selfish and a waste of time that they really don’t have.
• Comparing their “insides” with other moms’ “outsides.”

If you don’t spank your child, why do you spank yourself? Moms who spank (and I am not among them and do not encourage my clients to use spanking) often say they do it because it’s the only thing that gets their child’s attention. Haven’t you gotten your own attention yet? Better yet, isn’t there another way to get yourself to pay attention to what’s important so you can make changes? No need to “spank” yourself for having negative, self-depracating thoughts; that’d be a vicious cycle! Instead of spanking, try this:

• Notice when you’re starting to feel bad about yourself as a mother. What were you thinking about just then?
• Keep track mentally (or by writing down) of the negative thoughts you hold about your mothering.
• Question these thoughts. Believe it or not, the mere act of questioning your mind is often enough to jolt you out of the habit of simply believing what you think.
• Accept that you have parenting beliefs and behaviors that you want to change, and that you’re not alone; we all do.
• For every part of yourself you’re tempted to “spank,” require yourself to remember a part of yourself that you appreciate.
• Be kind to yourself when you go on autopilot and judge yourself harshly. It’s like helping your child learn a new skill; you’re doing the same.

My passionate views on supporting moms don’t mean I am a “let-it-all-hang-out-baby-anything-goes” coach. If you’re doing something that’s harming your child, stop. Not every behavior we do is okay, and yes, often we need to recalibrate and make new choices. But the same goes for you. If you’re doing something that’s harming YOU, like mentally and emotionally spanking yourself several times per day, stop. You (and your children) don’t learn by being in toxic shame.

The world needs moms who value themselves so they can teach others to value them. It all starts with modeling it for others.

Stop spanking yourself and don’t let others do it to you, either.

This is second part of a two-part post by guest blogger Beth Shepard. To read Part 1, go here.

7.    Get out with your girlfriends. Regularly- and when you’re ready. When my kids were babies and toddlers, I worked full-time outside of the home, and had a hard time leaving them for any amount of time during my off-time. So, I didn’t. People kept pestering me to get out more, and I got tired of hearing it. As my kids got older, I felt better about leaving them for short periods of time to go out with a friend. Now that they’re 9 and 11, I go out with girlfriends 1-2x a month. And I really enjoy it! It’s refreshing and energizing to just relax and be me again, instead of always wearing my mommy radar.

8.    Spend time with your husband or partner. During those early years of parenthood, my husband and I didn’t have much adults-only time. But the times we did were vitally important to staying close and connected. Now, even if it’s just a few minutes of chitchat after work or after the kids go to bed, we make a point of connecting each day. Date-nights are still rather infrequent, but we make an effort to schedule them 1x/month to continue strengthening our marriage beyond our identity as parents.

9.    Play with your kids. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of barking out orders at children: “Clean your room, do your homework, practice piano, set the table, take a bath”…etc., and overlook the treasures and priceless gifts that they truly are. When I take the time to sit with my son and read to him, or do crafts with my daughter, or play badminton with both of them, I feel a sense of fulfillment and life satisfaction that I rarely get from anything else. The privilege of being their mom, watching them grow, guiding them through life’s twists and turns, and just enjoying the wonderful people they are brings me unspeakable joy. And it’s hard to be stressed out when children are belly-laughing!

10.   Get enough sleep. Hah – that’s something many moms only dream of. I didn’t sleep through the night until my kids were 5 and 7. I never napped when they napped -I had things to do. But research has confirmed the serious health benefits of sleep. Getting enough, good-quality sleep makes a huge different in terms of weight control, disease management, and even your ability to function during the day. Stress is magnified when you don’t get enough sleep. So, do what you have to do – go to bed early, delegate some tasks, assure yourself that the world won’t collapse if you get a few more winks – just get them.

11.                       Practice your faith. Whatever or whomever you believe in, believe wholeheartedly, and practice the teachings, rituals, and fellowship, integrating it into your daily life. Feeding your soul is every bit as important as feeding your body. If you have some room to grow in this area, seek out the advice of members of your faith community, religious or lay leaders.

12.                       Speak kindly to yourself. Moms are notoriously hard on themselves for what they aren’t doing, or what they do wrong. Give yourself a break, and speak to yourself with the same kindness and grace that you’d give a close friend. Focus on the positive, be encouraging, and see yourself for the amazing woman you are.

Beth Shepard, M.S., is a wellness coach, clinical exercise physiologist, and health promotion consultant in the Seattle area. She helps busy women all over the U.S.  achieve a better balance between work and life and adopt sustainable behavior changes for optimal well-being. www.wellcoaches.com/beth.shepard

Most moms do a pretty remarkable job of cutting corners on self-care to meet the demands of work and family responsibilities. But instead of saving time and energy, neglecting our own needs only magnifies the stress. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of better health by integrating these self-care practices into your lifestyle, one at a time.

1. List your values. What matters most to you? Is it your family? Your health? Work? Faith? Think of your top values as your compass, guiding your daily and long-term decisions. When you honor your values, you live a life of integrity. When you don’t, you increase your likelihood of stress overload.

2. Adjust your expectations. If having a super-tidy house isn’t one of your top values, relax already. It’s not a crime to let the laundry pile up while you take time out for yourself or to enjoy time with loved ones. The housework will always be there – but the people won’t.

3. Say “no thank-you.” Practice politely – yet firmly – declining commitments that don’t honor your values. I’m amazed at how well people adapt when I give myself and my priorities the respect we deserve. I currently decline all invitations to join in cookie exchanges. It’s too much pressure, and another to-do I don’t need during the holidays. My friends are OK with that – and they’re still my friends.

4. Move your body. A brief walk refreshes your mind, body, and soul in unbelievable ways. It burns calories, boosts metabolism, enhances your ability to concentrate and learn, and even helps protect against age-related declines in brain function. Sound good?

5. Eat lots of fruits and veggies. Stock up on a colorful variety of fresh and frozen produce – berries, stir-fry blends, bananas, clementines, pomegranates, and such. They’re packed with antioxidants, which help protect your body against disease. Aim for at least 5-7 servings a day – it’s easier than it sounds. Throw chopped vegetables in soups, sauces, salads, and entrees. When I make lasagna, I include shredded carrots, spinach, and mushrooms. For more ideas, visit www.fruitsandveggiesmorematters.org.

6. Eat mindfully. Honor your senses of hunger and fullness. Many women live inside of a constant power struggle, ignoring their body’s hunger signals in an effort to lose weight, or eating beyond the point of satisfaction to cope with stress or other emotions. Mindful eating is about tuning in to your hunger signals, and eating until you are satisfied. It’s about eating slowly, at a table, focusing on the food and how it makes your body feel – while enjoying pleasant mealtime conversation. It means turning the TV off, putting the book down, stepping away from the computer and work area. Eating should be an enjoyable, engaging experience, but many of us eat in 5 minutes or less, eat way too much, feel bad about it, and then eat more to feel better – except we never do feel better. Break this downward spiral today – make your next meal a mindful one. 

(Look for Part 2 in a few days!).

Beth Shepard, M.S., is a wellness coach, clinical exercise physiologist, and health promotion consultant in the Seattle area. She helps busy women all over the U.S. achieve a better balance between work and life and adopt sustainable behavior changes for optimal well-being. www.wellcoaches.com/beth.shepard

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…or is that just name of a holiday song?

Rather than be all “coachy” about it (in other words, speak in that impersonal voice of a coach), let me just be real and say that if there were ever going to be any melting down at our house this holiday season, it’d probably be me doing it. Right now, we have our own personal equation for stress going on: abnormally cold temps + freezing pipes + getting our house ready to sell (stripping wall paper and other “fun” stuff) + Christmas preparations + my husbands birthday = TOO MUCH TO DO = overwhelm. Today I wished I could just yank the covers over my head and go back to bed. And stay there. All day. However, given that the painter was scheduled to come and paint our master bedroom any minute, I knew that wasn’t an option (it wasn’t really anyway, but a mom can pretend, can’t she?).

I realized that a couple of things were going on for me that were making it harder during this busy time. First, I was looking at all the things that needed to be done without breaking them into manageable pieces. I’ll come clean here and say that my husband, who is a Project Manager at work, knows this about me and helps me to stop hyperventilating and start delegating. In order to delegate, I first have to see what smaller tasks underlie the large, humongous, “I-wanna-pull-the-cover-over-my-head” tasks. For example, instead of just freaking out about getting ready for our Open House real estate tour, my husband and I sat down and wrote down everything that needed to be done to be ready for it. At first, just seeing that big list made me want to run away. But as we began to group like items and then (my favorite part!) delegate them, I began to relax.

• Take-Away For Other Busy Moms: Break large projects/tasks into smaller pieces and delegate when possible!

I also realized that I have the rather embarrassing tendency to want to snack mindlessly when I am overwhelmed. With all that’s happening right now, it’s fair to say I am snacking a lot. Overwhelmed with the fact that hubby’s birthday is in 12 days? Never fear! Bagels are here! Oh, don’t fret about the fact that you haven’t yet done your Christmas shopping! Remember how you just went to Trader Joe’s and bought hummus and brie and cookies? Sigh….of course these quick fixes are only telling half the truth. They are quick to temporarily pacify me (hmmmmm…the image of a pacifier just came to mind…ewwwwww), but they are certainly not “fixing” anything. Really, they are making things worse (or should I say “I” am making things worse). On top of my stress and overwhelm, I’ll now have to contend with extra pounds to lose. Oh, good. Another thing to add to my to-do list!

• Take-Away For Other Busy Moms: Manage your stress and take good care of yourself in ways that truly nourish your spirit. If you’re really hungry and a snack will do it, great. Otherwise, what’s one small thing you can do to help yourself get back on-track? Is it as simple as staying hydrated (remember the simple things are often the most powerful!) or calling a good friend? Maybe for you sitting in front of the fire eating chocolate kisses would be soul-nourishing. Only you know!

The last thing I realized is that I tend to have rather grand expectations of myself all year long, but especially at this time of year. I want to enjoy my family. I want to support the moms I coach to the fullest extent possible. I also want to create great memories with my husband and children by participating in meaningful traditions (like making dough ornaments, decorating sugar cookies, and reading holiday books). Taken all together, this sounds like a recipe for stress and overwhelm, doesn’t it?

• Take-Away For Other Busy Moms: Ask yourself what really matters to you. If you answer, “Doing holiday traditions with my kids,” ask yourself what feelings you are going for by doing this. For me, I want to feel connected, joyful and peaceful with them. Knowing this is key because if the actual activities don’t go as planned, I can still decide to remain connected, joyful and at peace. What’s your deeper “why”?

 How about we create a new equation, one that empowers us to not only “get through” the holidays, but to enjoy them? Here’s my new equation: break big tasks into smaller pieces + take good care of yourself in small but powerful ways + keep your expectations in line with what really matters = a more peaceful holiday season.

What do YOU do to keep underwhelm and stress to a minimum during the holiday season? What’s your equation for serenity?

I’ve been interested in talking about those “pink elephants in the living room” (you know, the stuff that people don’t want to talk about but you KNOW is there) since I was a kid.

Of course, discretion is a good thing, and another skill that children (and some adults) need to learn. Still, I am in awe of those people in our culture that tell the truth as they see it, often going against the grain. As someone who cares what others think, often too much, I aspire to be more of a “truth-teller” and to be real.

Being “real” nowadays can mean not just having your ego show up (and try only to present your best light), but letting others see your weaknesses as well as your strengths. It can also mean having really bad boundaries, as in the case of some reality TV shows (Do we really need to know all about Jon and Kate?). What I’m talking about is NOT about sharing gory details that are basically “TMI” (“Too Much Information). There has to be a context, or a reason for sharing.

So where I’m going with this is that I am on a mission to be more real about my mompreneur journey. And…I am also on a mission to help other mompreneurs ditch the guilt about telling the truth about their struggles. Take a look at a beautiful mompreneur website, and take in the stunning graphics, the headshot that showcases a beautifully made-up person. It’s easy to take the next step and 1)compare ourselves to that person, 2)come up short, and 3)tell ourselves a story about how that person is wildly successful and probably NEVER yells at her kids or rushes through a bedtime story so she can have a moment to herself (or work on her business!). Enter toxic guilt, the kind that whispers critical secrets in your ear such as, “See? YOU don’t have this mompreneur thing down like SHE does.”

I know that, for me, it can feel risky and downright scary to admit to people on my blog that I have struggles. What if they find out that I have piles of crap on my desk and I haven’t made the time to volunteer in my kids’ classes because I feel pulled in a million of directions? Will these blog readers still think I’m competent and professional enough? I think the key for me is to share enough to be real, so other mompreneurs can relate and know they’re not alone. We don’t share our truths just so we can “purge” ourselves of guilt . No, we do it because being real about the good, the bad, and the ugly frees up our much-needed energy to do what we’re here on earth to do, and it gives others permission to be real, too. Successful mompreneurs (however you define “successful”) aren’t that way because they “have it all together” all of the time. They’re successful because:

• They are real with themselves where they struggle (and where they rock)
• They realize they’re not alone in their struggles
• They are willing to get help from a “Tribe” who understands their challenges and can support them

I’m excited to be embarking on a “Truth Telling” Project in the upcoming weeks. I’ll be interviewing different mompreneurs on how their two worlds (being a parent and being a business mom) often collide. Each will share secrets about areas she’s struggled AND will share what’s helped her succeed. We all deserve to know we’re not alone and that many of us even share some the same struggles!

I say, “Bring on the ‘pink elephants’!” Let’s talk about them, get them out in the open, and free up our energy to do the things that really matter to us (for me that’s raising great kids, a strong marriage and having a successful business). The curious thing is, the more we acknowledge and talk about them, the less hold they have over us.

The truth shall set us free, AND help us band together in being authentically human and perfectly imperfect.  I hope you’ll join us in letting your “pink elephants” come and play with ours!

Straight off, let me apologize to any mompreneurs out there who are rocket scientists (and you know who you are).

Maybe it’s the term “self care.” It sounds kind of clinical and “coach-y.” Like it’s one more thing we have to add to our to-do list. “I have to do the laundry, make the bed, walk the dog, clean the toilet,  AND do self-care.”  What if we called it what it is: “Something I do because, if I don’t, I fall apart and can’t do anything for anyone, which means my life falls apart.” Too long and dramatic? Probably. But at least it cuts to the chase and bottom-lines it. We cannot be effective moms, be  loving wives,  be great business women, be  great friends, be  great anything if we’re on empty. Period.  How effective are we if we are stressed, overwhelmed and near tears? If we think we feel guilty taking time for ourselves to refuel because it takes time away from our family and business, we need to think again. When we don’t take time to re-energize, we can be at our worst. For me, this means snapping at family members (“Am I the only person in this house who knows how to do the laundry? Towels just don’t wash themselves, you know!”), feeling so overwhelmed with my to-do list that it grows even longer because my overwhelm has morphed into inaction, and feeling guilty for my behavior (and just plain “stuck in the yuck”).

Feeling guilty isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, it points us to our “True North.” It can be our conscience nudging us that we’re out of alignment with our integrity and what we value. If we feel guilty for taking time to refuel (and let’s face it–being a mom and a business owner require a ton of fuel/energy), we can notice the feeling and then question it. We can ask ourselves, “What good will come out of taking care of myself? What will happen if I don’t and I run myself into the ground? Is that what I want? What’s one small thing I can do that would help me refuel?” My point is that our guilt about taking care of ourselves needs to be questioned and rechanneled. If we DON’T take care of ourselves, we are more likely to be impatient with our kids and clients, get frustrated and overwhelmed and take those feelings out on others, and be wildly unproductive in all areas of our lives. How effective are we at that point?

I recently posted some tips on Twitter about how mompreneurs can take care of themselves in ways that only take a few minutes. Some of the ideas I mentioned were listening to favorite music on i-Pods, drinking tea slowly and savoring it, walking the dog, etc. Sure, spa days, vacations and massages are amazing. So are the little things that we do that help us reconnect to our passions, our joys, our sense of self. If we are intentional about doing several little things througout the day that boost our energy, the payoff will be big. Last week was so busy that taking care of myself meant deep-breathing throughout the day, drinking lots of water, listening to music, and petting the cat. Not exactly exciting stuff, but it refueled me and kept me on the path to reaching my goals. 

Will you join me in simplifying self-care? If that term inspires you, great. If it doesn’t, find one that does. What can you do to refuel that only takes a few minutes? Start small if you struggle with this. If you make taking care of yourself harder than it needs to be so that it doesn’t happen, what happens in your life and in your business? How do you show up in your life when you’re on empty and stressed beyond belief? Do you like the choices you make when you feel like that? Let’s support one another to avoid the toxic guilt that whispers, “You’re already busy enough–don’t take time away from your family or business by taking time for yourself. Keep going.” Instead, let’s question that guilt and take time for ourselves SO THAT we can be of service to our families and our businesses.

You know that saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?” Well, it’s true. I’d also add, “If mama don’t take care of herself, there ain’t no ‘self’ to take care of anybody or anything else.’” How we take care of ourselves, as well as how often, are up for negotiation. But let’s decide that whether or not we will take care of ourselves is non-negotiable.

Taking care of yourself has never really been optional, but that hasn’t stopped many moms from years past from feeling guilty about doing it.

Thankfully, more moms are realizing that self-care is not optional if they want to be effective moms AND actually enjoy their lives. Motherhood has never been easy, no matter what the era. But let’s face it—life has gotten a lot more complex since the 1950s. Moms have more competing for their time and attention than ever before (many work from home, are older parents so having aging parents of their own, etc.). And that means more opportunites for them to become drained.

One of the best ways I know to help moms overcome the guilt of taking time to nurture themselves is this: pointing out that when they are on empty and burned out, they can be of service to no one.  You simply cannot give what you do not have. If the lifeforce has been sucked out of you, and you try to parent from that barren place, expect melt-downs and tantrums (your kids might even join you in them!). Now that is a recipe for true guilt!

The tides are turning, thanks to people like Oprah increasing awareness of how stressed and burned out many moms feel these days. Moms are rising up and realizing that they have to actively CLAIM their right to nurture themselves. Nobody will hand them their self-care on a silver platter. Instead, they have to know that being willing to take care of themeselves is an exquisite act of kindness and responsibility: kindness because you want to treat yourself with care, the same way you do for others, and responsibility because you owe it to model for your children how important self-care is.

Whether you’re a veteran at taking care of yourself or just getting started, here are some resources to support you:

• Karly Randolph Pitman’s inspirational, beautiful site First Ourselves is a great place to start. And if you have a sugar addiction (like moi), she offers support for that, too. Highly recommended.
• Amy Tiemann’s site, Mojo Mom, and her corresponding book, offer moms encouragement to nurture themselves while in the thick of mothering.
• A fabulous book on the subject is Moms Need Time-Outs Too by Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann. Check out their website, too.
• Renee Trudeau’s book, The Mother’s Guide To Self-Renewal is both beautiful and practical (and check out her site, too
• Yet another helpful book is Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else by Alice Domar. This resource has many helpful ideas about overcoming stress.

I’m so glad that moms are encouraging other moms to recharge by taking care of themselves.  The more moms that practice self-care on a regular basis, the easier it will be for it to become second nature for moms everywhere. So join me and your other mom-sisters in reclaiming our right to recharge. It’s a right, not a privelege.

The day just continued downhill from there.  My daughters (ages 7 and 10) woke up cranky and ready to spar with one another. The phone kept ringing. There were no clean spoons with which to eat breakfast. My husband was on a business trip. My youngest starting crying because her tooth hurt. All I wanted was a chance to drink my coffee in peace. As the girls started sparring once more, I could feel my blood boil. A normally calm person, I almost lashed out with, “Knock it off, you two, or no computer time for the whole week!” But I stopped myself.

Instead, I stood at the kitchen sink and closed my eyes. As I took a very deep breath and let it out slowly, I pictured myself breathing out my stress. “What do you tell the moms you coach to do, Karen? Think!” Ahhhhh…with the stress hormones abating, I remembered. Reset. Reboot. Do-over. Give myself some space between the problem and the next moment.

In that holy, powerful gap between wanting to yell and becoming willing to “reboot” my system and try again, I became calm. And calm begets calm. Notice that I wanted to yell. I really did. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to yell at my kids. But my intense willingness to reset and reboot overrode my other impulse. It doesn’t always, trust me. But that’s because I’m not a computer; I’m human. Like any habit, the willingness to reboot or reset can be strengthened. It’s defintely one I plan on strengthening because the results are worth it.

Did the morning magically turn around due to my resetting? Sort of. I had my daughters reset (we’ve practiced this skill a lot previously so there was a prior context for them), and we all took a breath. Then we went to the couch, sat down, snuggled, and didn’t say a word for three minutes.

Oh. And I had my cup of coffee, which I drank in peace. So Igot my wish.

The article goes on to say that a little stress is good. It can “keep you on your toes” and help you tap into your aliveness. But when your “aliveness” morphs into “lividness” (ok–I made up that word!), something’s gotta give. For many of us moms, what gives is our sanity and peace of mind.

The truth? Adrenaline is as addictive as crack.  I’d prefer to think that my idea of a high was working out on the eliptical or enjoying a cup of  coffee. But  the truth hurts. Worrying and stressing about how things will ever get done or what others think of me or how much is on my plate keeps me stuck. And sometimes stuck feels good. Or at least it feels better than taking action.  Is that wrong? Nope. Is it where I want to stay? Nope.  The goal is to use the stress as a wake-up call that I need to pay attention to something in my life: my health, my parenting, etc.

Staying stressed is like hitting the snooze button repeatedly so you can sleep more. It can become a comfortable habit that deludes you into thinking you’re doing something productive.  I don’t think we can “Just Say No to Stress.” Stress happens. We can, however, choose to acknowledge that we feel it, and then release it. Creating art journal pages (even for 5 minutes) helps me let go of it.  Sometimes it’s taking a breath and closing my eyes.

One of the most important steps to managing stress is to be willing to notice and acknowledge it. Once you do that, you can take a time out and “reset” yourself so that you can act differently.  The important thing is to stop functioning on autopilot and start becoming aware of your reactions. Once you’re aware, you can use the adrenaline of the moment to propel you towards balance (whatever that looks like for you). Being in a chronic state of adrenaline rush keeps you on the hamster wheel of life. Being willing to acknowledge the stress and then do one small thing to take care of yourself moves you from addiction and autopilot to awareness and freedom.

Being a mom and experiencing stress

Sign #1: You feel frustrated and cranky about the little things: how your spouse’s teeth clink against his cereal spoon, the way your child’s voice sounds when she’s excited and when you want peace and quiet(when you’re under stress, noise and pitch can seem excrutiating to our ears) , when a car cuts you off, even though it didn’t endanger you. These things can bug us under normal circumstances, but under stress, they can make us want to go after someone!

Sign #2: You feel guilty that you have too much to do and worry that you aren’t doing any part of it well. You feel like you are letting everyone down.

Sign #3: You wake up, go through your day, and then end up in bed–and basically “go through the motions” of your day without thinking about them (sort of like driving someplace and then arriving and not realizing that you had just driven 20 miles to get there!).

Sign #4: You over-do an activity repeatedly. My personal favorite? Eating sugar. I wish I could say it was over-exercising! I self-medicate with sweets when the going gets tough (something I am working on).

Sign #5: You experience repeated head-aches, back-aches, or other bodily aches.

Sign #6: You have insomnia or other sleep disturbances.

Sign #7: You feel resentful of others in your family for not doing their share.

What causes this stress? If you have even one of these signs, it’s time to take care of yourself. Check out this video and see if you can relate. Let me know if you agree or disagree with my points and/or the video, and check back for tips on what to do to overcome stress.