You’ve probably heard the phrase, “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry?”

1. I let myself feel angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and afraid. I didn’t “coach” myself out of my feelings with platitudes and positive thinking. For example, when we were broken down on the side of the road I didn’t immediately say, “That’s ok! There’s always a silver lining!” (I’m picturing a musical here, with a smiling woman bursting into song as butterflies flit around her…). I hate it when others say to me, “It could be worse!” when something  just happened. Goodness, people! Let me feel my feelings for a minute, will you? I also hate it when I do that to myself. So..this time, I didn’t. Progress! Oh–and I’ve also learned that many times, people who try to jostle me into a better feeling place right away do so because THEY are uncomfortable with feelings. It’s about them and their comfort level.
2. I kept breathing through the feelings that came up. Maybe you remember to breathe during stressful times, but I often find myself holding my breath. And when I do that, I find that my feelings don’t pass through me and I remain stuck. By breathing and feeling my feelings I find that sooner than I think, I am ready to move forward. In the case of waiting on the side of the road for the taxi and the tow truck, it took about 15 minutes. During those 15 minutes I experienced thoughts such as, “Why me?” and “This sucks…what ELSE could go wrong?” and “It WOULD have to be 90 degrees…this is so not fair” and “I’m tired of crap happening. Is this some sort of sign that I’m on the wrong track?” So the thoughts were definitely there; it’s the breathing through them that allowed me to acknowledge them and then move into a different emotional space.
3. I got my “thinking brain” going by asking myself a few questions. Okay, so this is probably going to sound all “coach-y” but hey, I am a coach, and I do know a little about how to view things from different perspectives so I (and others) can get different results. The first question I asked myself was, “What’s great about this?” Sometimes when I’m still feeling a bit pissy I might think, “So, what DOESN’T suck about this?” In this case of being stuck on the side of the road, it was easy to come up with several things. First, I had cell phone reception which was amazing considering we were out in the boonies. Second, we were unhurt. Third, we were safely able to pull over to the side of the road and avoid being hit. Fourth, it only took the taxi and tow truck an hour and a half to get there instead of several more hours (or not at all if we hadn’t have had cell coverage). As I was generating my mental list of things to appreciate, I started to feel better. I still wasn’t digging the heat, or the notion that the cat, who had been stuck in her cat carrier for several hours, was probably getting severely dehydrated. However, because I had let myself feel ALL of my feelings I was more open to doing this mental exercise. I could tell it wasn’t time for me to be “Mary Sunshine” and ask my family what they were appreciating at that moment, on the side of the road. I did do it later on with them, once we were back at a hotel again.
4. I also focused on the humor in the situation. I imagined my life as a sitcom that I was watching from afar and it suddenly became kind of funny! It gave me the necessary distance from the stressors to see the whole situation in a new light.  As I mentioned in the previous post, I fell down with my dog and took six inches of skin off my arm. Even though it hurt badly, there was actually a point when I was flat on the ground (and so was the dog) and the thought occurred to me: “I really could laugh at this. How freakin’ hilarious is it that I am stuck on my back in the heat while I wonder how much my car is going to fix?” Ahem—let me come clean and share that I did NOT laugh. I was in too much pain. I was delighted that my brain would even consider trying to find the humor, however, since I am not immune to being a drama queen.
5. I reached out to others so I could feel more connected and less alone.  One of the ways I did this was to post pictures and updates on Facebook of our mishaps. Doing so kept me looking at the lighter side of life, since I didn’t want to come across as depressing or boring to my friends. I really had no idea how much this would help me feel the love and support of my friends during a time when I was feeling alone. Just reading comments such as, “Hang in there!” or “Thinking of you!” really helped me. I tried to steer clear of complete “poor me” updates that focused on only the negatives.

Going through so many trying times one after the other has strengthed many muscles that I’d forgotten I’d had: the humor muscle, the flexibility muscle, the appreciation muscle, etc. Using those muscles has also prompted me to think about how, in parenting, we often experience one stressor after another. From our child tantrumming about not getting to eat candy before dinner to our tween telling lies, parenting can feel like just one thing after another. My relocation is only one example of an adventure that got pretty stressful. In retrospect, I learned (and was reminded of) that being willing to be with what is at the moment is powerful. Only then was I able to move to the next step towards appreciation or humor.

And that’s no joke.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted to be her own boss

And that detail is: I am a mother. (Okay. So maybe that isn’t such a teeny tiny detail).

The place where my parenting and my business meet isn’t always pretty. It’s complicated. I think life is complicated, which is to say unless you live in a bubble, you probably have a lot going on in your lfe. It doesn’t always look the same from day to day. Working from home, running your own business, and trying to have some semblance of your own version of “balance”, isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I don’t believe in the elusive idea of “balance.” Nope. That idea is big GUILT BUTTON  for so many of us. What I DO believe in is finding YOUR version of equilibrium, that place where you come back to your center again and are able to act, rather than react. Stay with me, here. I’m not getting into “coach-y” jargon. I’m keepin’ it real by saying two things:

1. Combining your own business with motherhood takes work, perseverance, and a lot of energy (doesn’t anything worthwhile?).
2. If you are to have a life where you’re not yelling at the microwave (or dog)  because of the stress of trying to “balance” these two HUGE parts of your life, you MUST be willing to give up the idea of “balance.” Every mom has her version of what it means to “recalibrate” (I actually prefer that term) and return to HER center. Not the “center” of the mompreneur on Twitter or Facebook who seems to “have it all together” (little do you know!). Not your best friend’s version of  “center.” Your version of it.

Let’s say, for example, that you are trying to get through your morning  with your kids so that they can go to school, and you can settle into work. If you were to focus on “balance,” you might look at the generic (but nonetheless good) idea of having a set morning routine that takes (you hope) a set amount of time. This structure could help you focus on your priorities (your kids, and then, your biz), and guide your actions. All good stuff. But one kink in the routine and you can quickly become “imbalanced.” If your child melts down because she doesn’t like to wear her “itchy socks,” that could take, oh, maybe an extra 20 minutes to get through the morning. She’s crying and complaining about the socks. Maybe you’re trying to stay calm and fix it, and find yourself losing your temper. Your child is ramping up the crying and not wanting to leave the house. You have things you need to do, AND your child is in danger of being late to school (again).

 Gone is the balance. Chaos reigns supreme. But it doesn’t have to be this way, if  you can swap out the word “balance” with something more forgiving and achievable , like “recalibrate” or “equilibrium.” Maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, crazy lady…thanks for the word games. But how’s this supposed to help me when my kid is melting down about socks and I need both of us to keep moving?” It’s true, I AM talking a change in words because words affect how we feel. Balance is a static state where everything is “even.” How often do you feel like everything is “even” in your life? We’re constantly right-adjusting to stay on whatever our “right course” is, and this is rarely a linear path!

 So, back to the socks. When “bad socks happen to good people,” YOU recalibrate to YOUR center. Take a breath (or three). Change your stressed state. Decide on what you will do in that moment. Maybe you take the socks and the shoes and head to the car. Maybe you tell your child she’s free to go to school with socks and shoes on her feet or in a paper bag. The point is you get back to YOUR center and then ACT. If you act before you get centered, you REACT, which often makes the situation worse. That’s why you “recalibrate.”

Maybe you’re a mom who can identify with the idea of “balance” and feel supported by it. If so, great! If, however, the notion of “balance” is a guilt button for you, then don’t use it! Find a word or idea that can honor the zigzagginess of your REAL life!

Someone recentlyadmitted to me that “mommy guilt” is “getting old” and that moms are wearing it like a badge of honor.

 I can see her point. While I’m quite sure guilt about mothering has been around a long time (although let’s face it—our ancestors didn’t compare themselves on blogs, Twitter and Facebook–we have it SO MUCH harder!), it’s really been only recently that it wasn’t just medicated it away with tranquilizers or martinis (cheap wine if you were on a budget).

 Or. Just. Not. Talked. About.It.

Period.

In a society that loves to take itself seriously AND talk about itself endlessly (think Paris Hilton, or me, if I’m PMSing and near tears), it makes sense that moms feel more free to talk about their stuff. I mean, my husband and I watched a sitcom last night (which shall remain nameless lest you think I am completely anti-intellectual–which I can be) where people paraded around in their underwear, talked about erectile dysfunction, and had sex on the living room floor–all within the span of ten minutes. So yeah. Our culture’s pretty open to letting it all hang out (literally and metaphorically).

Is this always a good thing (not in a Martha Stewart sort of way)?

Have we crossed over to the dark side of narcissim and now just bandy about the admission, “I feel so guilty” with the same nonchalance as “I’d like a double tall nonfat latte with no whip” or “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?”

 I think, as a culture, we love black and white thinking because it’s exciting. It’s sexy. It sells and entertains. EITHER we tell all our dirty secrets about how we feel we suck, the ways in which we suck, and how much we suck, OR we deny that there is even a problem.

Problem? What problem? Just hand me another drink or give me the credit card so I can go shopping. See? There’s no problem.

The middle ground isn’t so sexy, and we don’t get as much attention for it.

 There are lots of areas in my life about which I feel pretty good.  Confident, even . But feeding my picky kid ain’t one of them. Here’s what I’ve done in the past to manage the guilt I feel in this area.

1. Tell friends and relatives that I feel so guilty that my daughter eats lots of sugar, and very few fruits and vegetables.
2. Explain in great detail that the only fruit she’ll eat are red apples and the only veggies are baby carrots dipped in ranch.
3. Admit that I am stumped and don’t know what to do.
4. Emphasize that I feel really guilty about this situation.
5. Throw my hands up in the air and say laughingly, “Oh, well! We’re moms! We’ve gotta feel guilty about something!”
6. Read books and blog articles on picky eaters and feel really overwhelmed.
7. Repeat steps 1 – 6, with an emphasis on steps 1 and 4.

And my self-talk drove me nuts. My mean self would say, “OMG, you’re a coach! A parenting coach for, gosh sakes! Get a grip! What would Super Nanny do? What would you help a client do? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, woman, and quit whining already!” My nicer (coach-y) self would soothe, “It’s ok not to know what to do. Take a deep breath and relax. Your guilt doesn’t have to define you as a mother……” Those two warring sides of myself would argue back and forth and I’d become even more anxious.

Score one for the parent coach (yep–I’ve even used sarcasm as a way to manage the guilt, too)!

So I developed a habit of talking about my daughter’s picky eating and my guilt, in order to reduce my anxiety. Unfortunately it didn’t reduce my guilt. Nope, it fueled it. But it lulled me into a false sense of ” really doing something about it.” And in the moment that I was talking about my guilt, I felt better.

The same way you can feel better when you hide in the closet and eat Little Debbie Snack Cakes when you’re stressed–once the cakes have been inhaled, your sense of feeling better is All Gone. Momentary relief, but the issue of the picky eating remains.

Now that I’ve done the Reality TV equivalent of confessing my weaknesses to my blog readers, I’ll come clean and tell you what I’m doing instead (warning: I don’t yet have it “all figured out” and wrapped with a neat bow):

1. Admit to myself how really, truly crappy I feel about my daughter’s eating habits. By “crappy” I  mean “guilty,” “frustrated” and “scared.” (The sucky but necessary part? Really letting myself feel the feelings instead of just talking about them).
2. Admit to myself that I really am ready to do something about this issue. Previously, I wasn’t ready. So it was easier to talk about feeling guilty about it than to take action. I’m good at that, especially around things like organizing my office, or organizing anything, really.
3. Ask myself what’s one small step I could take that would put me in action (with emphasis on the word “small”).
4. Take that small step.

Not very exciting, is it? There’s really not that much to talk about. Well, with my close friends, I’ll still share my thoughts on feelings on the matter, AND what I’m doing about it). I still think we need a safe place to be real about the challenges of life, motherhood included. No sugar-coating. Keeping it real. But when something becomes a fad, I get worried. What happens when mommy guilt is no longer fashionable? When it’s “so yesterday”?

Who cares. Instead of asking, “Does this guilt make my butt look fat?” you’ll be saying, “This guilt doesn’t feel good and I’m going to do something about it.

P.S. If you are a personal organizer or a coach that helps moms of picky eaters, God Bless You. And please e-mail me.

Why I Don’t Want Balance!
by Jo Della Penna

Note: I am delighted to feature guest blogger, Jo Della Penna on The Guilt Free Mom blog! I’m always on a mission to offer you a variety of viewpoints on how moms can ditch the guilt, raise great kids while growing a profitable business.  Jo Della has a delightful heart-centered approach to helping people (overwhelmed moms included) grow their businesses to be profitable and still enjoy the rest of their lives!  Be sure to check out the info at the end of her post so you can see the amazing resources she offers, and look for more of Jo Della’s posts in the future!

 
Balancing your life is not an easy task, is it?

We are super busy with growing and managing our business. We have our personal lives to attend to, as well. If you have growing kids, like I do, you know it takes creative time management to fit in all the extracurricular activities on top of everything else. Over the years, I have found that the idea of creating balance in my life was unrealistic. The more I tried to balance my life, the more it felt out of reach.

It then dawned on me…

I don’t want balance!

You know the scales that have a dish on each side?
When the weight is the same on both sides, the dishes are even. When one side is heavier than the other, one side moves up while the other moves down.

Think about it.

The only time the scale is in motion is when the scale is out of balance. When things are balanced, nothing moves. I don’t know about you, but I would rather be moving than standing still. So, your goal is not to have balance in life, but to create harmony. Think of a music band. In a band, each instrument ebbs and flows throughout the song.  No two instruments are balance in volume, tone, or note. However, the combination of all the unbalanced instruments winds up creating enjoyable music.

Same is true for your life.

We each have 5 primary areas in our life that, when in harmony, creates an enjoyable existence. I will explain each of these areas of life in depth in future posts, but for now, here’s the list.

The 5 areas are:

1. Relationship     2.  Financial      3.  Mental      4. Spiritual     5.  Physical

To have harmony in your life, it does not mean that you have to laser focus on each of those areas all the time. That would drive you crazy and have you completely overwhelmed. However, if you are not satisfied with one or two of the five areas, it just means you need to pay closer attention and work to get it back in line for you to be back in harmony.

At times, you may have a great marriage, have money in the bank and are in learning mode, but you’re spiritually disconnected and sick all the time. Or, other times, you’re exercising regularly, reading and learning often, but
your bank account is empty and you’re always irritable towards family and friends.
Think about the areas in your life. What is working well? Where are you satisfied? Great! Those areas require
less attention. What is NOT working well? Where are you dissatisfied? This is where you place most of your attention. Now, let me note, your answers may change day to day, or even hour by hour. The key is to check in with yourself often enough so none of the 5 areas become so out of harmony that it breaks up the “band”!

 List 1 or 2 things you could do to improve those areas that require your
attention.
Commit to taking one step towards improving it immediately and you will find that it does not take a huge amount of effort to attain harmony. It just requires regular attention.

© 2009-2010 The Business Of You, Inc.
Award-Winning Entrepreneur, Coach, National Speaker and Author, Jo Della Penna publishes The
Business of You E-Zine with over 1,500+ subscribers. If you’re ready to jump-start your
business, make more money, and have more joy and excitement in your life, get your
FREE tips now at www.TheBusinessofYou.com

I remember back in the ’90s there was a hilarious comedy routine that Jeff Foxworthy did called, “You might be a redneck if…”

You Might Be A Guilt-Ridden Mom If…………..

• your idea of self-care is checking e-mail or
• you feel bad that you don’t enjoy playing with Legos, Barbies, etc. with your child (guilty secret: I hate bored, oops, I mean board games).
• you compare yourself to the moms you know who are the most fit, the most calm (or so it seems), the most “anything” and come up short.
• you read parenting books for support and then beat yourself up for not being able to use the ideas in the book “perfectly.”
• your friend tells you that she puts pureed beans and spinach in her child’s food to boost the nutrition, and you immediately think of the Twinkies your child had at snack (and feel horrible). Okay. So maybe your child doesn’t eat Twinkies. Maybe it was just that none of the food you serve has puree hidden in it. And you feel bad.
• you wonder if you’re ever going to be patient “enough,” loving “enough,” basically just “enough” of a “good” mother to your child.
• you think about saving for your child’s college fund AND therapy fund.
• you have a picture in your head of how you think you’re supposed to be as  mom and feel awful that your life doesn’t match the picture.
• your child’s teacher tells you that she is having problems with aggression at school, and you immediately think, “OMG, that’s because I let her watch that show on TV. I’m such a bad mom….”
• you are afraid that you’re one of the only moms that loves her child and yet doesn’t love several aspects of motherhood.

Can you relate to any? What would you add?

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s no use crying over spilled milk?”

I felt virtuous and I explained to the deli manager that I wanted something low-cal and healthful. “If you like feta cheese, the greek salad is delicious and it’s full of veggies.” Bingo! There was my solution.  I sauntered to the car, bursting with the pride of honoring my commitment to health. And then it happened. As I was driving, I  hit my brakes quickly. My virtuous meal turned into a virtual mess.

This was so not fair! I’d “done the right thing” and was now “supposed” to be rewarded! I immediately felt sorry for myself, annoyed, and put-upon. I briefly thought about “retaliating” and going through a fast food joint to ease my pain with onion rings. But whom would I be retaliating against? Myself? Luckily, that choice seemed ludicrous.

The 15 minutes it took to drive home gave me the space to calm down and choose another perspective (notice that my first perspective was to feel sorry for myself and wolf down greasy food!). Once home, I started to laugh. I realized that life happens: not a stunningly complex realization, but apparently one I needed to still learn. As I laughed at how close I came to giving in and eating junk food all because life didn’t go my way in that moment, I realized that, in the moment I felt my feelings and gave myself space to calm down and act (rather than react), I won. I won out over feeling victimized, over whiny self-talk, over negative events that happen that I don’t like.

It was then, in my laughter, that I realized that my days of being a mompreneur are filled with moments that require me to “re-boot” myself and keep going. Isn’t motherhood like that, too? Life is like that. There are days when my kids need me as much as my business does, and there just isn’t time to do it all. There are days when my clients’ internet businesses are thriving and their home lives are not, AND they need help right away. And, there are times when my computer crashes and it feels like my whole business will crash, too, if the dang thing isn’t up and running soon.

And so it is with us mompreneurs. There will always be those “spilled greek salad days,” when we feel we’ve done everything right, and yet it all seems to be going wrong. Allowing ourselves a little tantrum isn’t necessarily a bad thing–especially when it just involves us tantrumming with ourselves! Just know that on those days when:

*the kids are home sick and you need to lead a huge teleseminar and have two coaching clients

*you write an amazing blog post only to find it disappear into thin air

*your child refuses to go to school and you have to be on a call in 30 minutes

…you are not alone. We all have those days, those “spilled greek salad days.” But know this. You also can choose to feel your feelings and then, reboot. While I’ve got  ideas on how to handle the parenting/family problems that arise in a mompreneur’s life, I know that this skill of rebooting and choosing my response trumps all others.

As mom entrepreneurs, we reboot on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. Give yourself some credit for already doing it, and don’t underestimate this skill! That person who just gave you the finger on the freeway apparently needs to learn it!

As mom entrepreneurs, we are beyond busy.

As business women, we know that there are activities that are high-payoff because they will help our business grow AND make us money (and I’ve had to admit that playing “Jigzone” on the computer isn’t one of them!).  The same is true for our personal lives. We can respond to what is urgently slapping us in the face, but it doesn’t mean that doing so is the best use of our time. If we look at the areas of our personal/family lives that cause us stress, and can see that, over time, we are responding the same way, to the same situations, it’s time to make a change and do something different.

However, being “busy” can be a crutch at times, because it can become an excuse for not dealing head-on with something that really needs our attention: something that, if we addressed it, would lead to happier, better-behaved kids or more clients in our business. Pick an area of your life where you struggle. For me it’s dinner. My husband’s a vegetarian and I’m trying to lose weight. On top of that, I have picky kids AND a crazy schedule. If night after night I find myself in the same situation, feeling guilty and frustrated and maybe even resentful that this dinner thing is such a problem and there is rarely a nutritious dinner on the table,  I have a choice. I can blame my busy schedule for why this situation is happening, and then make an excuse for not making a change. Or, I can recognize that it is because I am busy that I choose to take responsibility and change the situation.

An easy way to tell if you’re making excuses and using your “busyness” and “business” as reasons why you don’t have the time to address what’s not working in your life is this litmus test. Do you make the time to take care of yourself on a daily basis? I’m not talking running off to the spa everyday. I mean do you take time to clear your head, do something for a few minutes that energizes and nourishes you? Or are you parenting on empty and running your business that way too? 

 There is a direct relationship between how willing you are to take care of yourself on a regular basis and how willing you are to take responsibility for your life. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we just have more mental and physical energy to deal with what’s not working when we are taking care of ourselves. Or perhaps it’s that the act of taking care of ourselves is the first step in our showing up fully in our own lives (and admitting where we need help). When we’re running on fumes because of a crazy schedule, there’s little willingness to deal with challenges because we’re simply in “I just need to get through this” mode.

The guilt-free approach to this mompreneur dilemma is to ask yourself, “In what areas am I taking responsibility in my life?” Acknowledge what you ARE doing that’s helping you. Then ask yourself, “What’s one area of my life where I can make one small change for the better?” Remember that when you are really stressed and overwhelmed, the smallest changes can have the largest impact. Don’t let your guilt about not changing become yet another excuse. Notice it, and move on! Don’t let excuses keep you stuck in the status quo unless you’re happy there. The cost to you and your family is high: more stress and chaos, and less peace. The cost to your business is twofold: less energy to put into your business, and a lot less profit.

Bottom Line? It doesn’t have to be this way. You can “unstick” yourself from the web of excuses by a)acknowledging that you have them and b)not buying into them. Like a friendship that was once mutually beneficial and no longer is, you can part ways with your excuses.

Oh, they’ll still try to visit, from time to time. But all you have to do is smile, wave goodbye, and move on.

Motherhood has been under close scrutiny for years.

TV shows such as “Wife Swap” routinely depict two moms with polar opposite styles, views, and ways of mothering. If you had to decide who was the better mom: the pagan motorcyle mama who believes too many rules are “bad” and that families are all about having fun, or the conservative Christian mama who believes strictness, rules, and structure are what’s most important, whom would you pick? Is it “cheating” to believe that a combination of the two moms’ best qualities would somehow be healthier than the two extremes by themselves? Or is that just a total cop-out?

As a mom myself, a blogger of mom issues, and a parenting coach, I wholeheartedly embrace the idea of “good” mothering, though I much prefer the term “effective mothering.”  Raising children to be caring, ethical adults who contribute to the good of society is no small feat, and in a culture that runs on adrenaline and materialism, it is made even more difficult. But it’s not impossible. It does require that you are clear on what really, really matters to you as a mom. Here’s the beginning of my list of what an effective mom is (feel free to add to or disagree with any of these):

1. Meet your children’s basic needs for food, shelter, attachment, emotional and physical safety so that they grow up with a sense of trust.
2. Be clear on what morals matter to you and to society and have a way of teaching your children these morals (e.g., don’t kill people, don’t steal, tell the truth, contribute to the greater good, etc.).
3. Develop a conscience in your children by promoting empathy and sensitivity towards self and others.
4. Teach the value of work  so that your children don’t have an attitude of “entitlement,”as though the world owes them a living, happiness, or anything else.
5. Model, on a regular basis, how to set healthy boundaries with others. Children who grow up knowing where they end and others start respect themselves and others.
6. Every day, if possible, find some way to connect with your children in a deep way that says, “I see you. You matter to me.”  Making the committment to look into your child’s eyes and connect (even if they roll their eyes!) on a regular basis shows them that they matter. And children who know they matter at home have an easier time finding healthy ways to matter away from home.

This list is just a start. As you can see, the above items leave a lot of room for personality style and other differences.  Instead of saying (‘a la Wife Swap style), “Good moms always go to church and cut coupons” or “Good moms are free of religion and let their kids run free”–both of which are artificial dichotomies anyway– we instead can look at the bigger picture of what we know helps to raise healthy, effective adults.

I can already think of other things to add. Can you? Do you disagree with any of these items? What about my distinction between a “good” mom and an “effective” mom? I’d love to hear from you.

All moms are liars.

Why can’t we just admit to ourselves and other moms that this mothering thing can be HARD? It’s also wonderful. And magical. And deeply fulfilling (sometimes, but not when it involves severe sleep deprivation or poop or tweens wanting to pierce body parts). But it’s still difficult. I am so lucky that I get to be privvy to moms’ deepest fears about themselves and their kids. I get to hear over and over again many moms’ small, whispery voice that admits, “I feel like such a bad mom…” And what I want to do right at this exact moment is say, “Honey, we all do. Some of us are just willing to admit it.” There. I said it. This mom gig is hard and I mess up regularly. So what?

 Motherhood has become a dangerous, competitive sport; unfortunately, the deepest injuries come from moms comparing themselves to others and having unrealistic expectations for themselves and their kids. Everybody thinks everybody else “has it all together.” None of us does. We’re all doing the best we can and are somewhere along the continuum of “everything is falling apart and I want to give up ” to “I am modern-day Martha Stewart and June Cleaver who has a Ph.D and is more fit and thin than before I had kids.” That leaves a whole lotta space in between, people.

So where do I fit on this continuum? I will admit that there are days when I feel like a rotten mother, and days where I feel like a pretty great mother. Sometimes I feel rotten and great on the same day. That’s pretty normal for motherhood, wouldn’t you say? I say it’s time for us to give other mothers the gift of honesty. By being real about this mothering thing, you give other mothers permission to do the same.

Honest.

No lie.

Know anyone who doesn’t want a happy family?

Myth #1: Never Yell At Your Kids. Not that I think yelling works. It’s just that we live in the real world, people. And sometimes we yell. So, we minimize yelling. And we forgive ourselves when we sometimes do it. Knowing that yelling isn’t helpful and even undermines you is good. But beating yourself up when you slip isn’t.

Myth #2: Always Remain Calm When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. Once again, we’re people. It’s not humanly possible to remain calm all the time. You can still be an effective parent and have a healthy family even when you don’t feel calm. The goal is to become aware of the times you aren’t, and gently bring yourself back to your center (What? First you have to FIND your center? Join the club!). But it’s simply not true that you must always remain calm in order to be a good parent. Maybe when you’re dead you can do that. But for now, how about we strive for the willingness to be calm and when we’re not, we notice it, take a breath, and try again.

Myth #3: Always Enjoy Being With Your Children. Don’t like to play legos with your preschooler? That’s okay. Get tired of your pre-teen’s moodiness and long for a break?  Take one.  One mom I worked with confided that she gets bored playing make believe with her four year old. But guess what? This same mom didn’t mind having her daughter cook dinner with her. As a practical, results-oriented personality, this fit this mom’s strengths better AND still benefitted her daughter. There is not a “right way” to be with our children. They absolutely do need our presence. They do need to be seen and heard and validated. But a big thumbs down to anyone who says exactly HOW this needs to show up in your life.

Healthy families come in all different manifestations. Yes, they have several things in common (stay tuned for what those are). But…what they also share is that they are composed of humans who aren’t perfect. The key to happiness isn’t perfection. It’s being aware of all that is already good in your family, being grateful for it, and then slowly moving forward to create more of what you want. Perfectionism leads to guilt, which keeps you stuck in the muck. Real families have issues. And it’s the healthy ones who admit it.