Someone recentlyadmitted to me that “mommy guilt” is “getting old” and that moms are wearing it like a badge of honor.

 I can see her point. While I’m quite sure guilt about mothering has been around a long time (although let’s face it—our ancestors didn’t compare themselves on blogs, Twitter and Facebook–we have it SO MUCH harder!), it’s really been only recently that it wasn’t just medicated it away with tranquilizers or martinis (cheap wine if you were on a budget).

 Or. Just. Not. Talked. About.It.

Period.

In a society that loves to take itself seriously AND talk about itself endlessly (think Paris Hilton, or me, if I’m PMSing and near tears), it makes sense that moms feel more free to talk about their stuff. I mean, my husband and I watched a sitcom last night (which shall remain nameless lest you think I am completely anti-intellectual–which I can be) where people paraded around in their underwear, talked about erectile dysfunction, and had sex on the living room floor–all within the span of ten minutes. So yeah. Our culture’s pretty open to letting it all hang out (literally and metaphorically).

Is this always a good thing (not in a Martha Stewart sort of way)?

Have we crossed over to the dark side of narcissim and now just bandy about the admission, “I feel so guilty” with the same nonchalance as “I’d like a double tall nonfat latte with no whip” or “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?”

 I think, as a culture, we love black and white thinking because it’s exciting. It’s sexy. It sells and entertains. EITHER we tell all our dirty secrets about how we feel we suck, the ways in which we suck, and how much we suck, OR we deny that there is even a problem.

Problem? What problem? Just hand me another drink or give me the credit card so I can go shopping. See? There’s no problem.

The middle ground isn’t so sexy, and we don’t get as much attention for it.

 There are lots of areas in my life about which I feel pretty good.  Confident, even . But feeding my picky kid ain’t one of them. Here’s what I’ve done in the past to manage the guilt I feel in this area.

1. Tell friends and relatives that I feel so guilty that my daughter eats lots of sugar, and very few fruits and vegetables.
2. Explain in great detail that the only fruit she’ll eat are red apples and the only veggies are baby carrots dipped in ranch.
3. Admit that I am stumped and don’t know what to do.
4. Emphasize that I feel really guilty about this situation.
5. Throw my hands up in the air and say laughingly, “Oh, well! We’re moms! We’ve gotta feel guilty about something!”
6. Read books and blog articles on picky eaters and feel really overwhelmed.
7. Repeat steps 1 – 6, with an emphasis on steps 1 and 4.

And my self-talk drove me nuts. My mean self would say, “OMG, you’re a coach! A parenting coach for, gosh sakes! Get a grip! What would Super Nanny do? What would you help a client do? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, woman, and quit whining already!” My nicer (coach-y) self would soothe, “It’s ok not to know what to do. Take a deep breath and relax. Your guilt doesn’t have to define you as a mother……” Those two warring sides of myself would argue back and forth and I’d become even more anxious.

Score one for the parent coach (yep–I’ve even used sarcasm as a way to manage the guilt, too)!

So I developed a habit of talking about my daughter’s picky eating and my guilt, in order to reduce my anxiety. Unfortunately it didn’t reduce my guilt. Nope, it fueled it. But it lulled me into a false sense of ” really doing something about it.” And in the moment that I was talking about my guilt, I felt better.

The same way you can feel better when you hide in the closet and eat Little Debbie Snack Cakes when you’re stressed–once the cakes have been inhaled, your sense of feeling better is All Gone. Momentary relief, but the issue of the picky eating remains.

Now that I’ve done the Reality TV equivalent of confessing my weaknesses to my blog readers, I’ll come clean and tell you what I’m doing instead (warning: I don’t yet have it “all figured out” and wrapped with a neat bow):

1. Admit to myself how really, truly crappy I feel about my daughter’s eating habits. By “crappy” I  mean “guilty,” “frustrated” and “scared.” (The sucky but necessary part? Really letting myself feel the feelings instead of just talking about them).
2. Admit to myself that I really am ready to do something about this issue. Previously, I wasn’t ready. So it was easier to talk about feeling guilty about it than to take action. I’m good at that, especially around things like organizing my office, or organizing anything, really.
3. Ask myself what’s one small step I could take that would put me in action (with emphasis on the word “small”).
4. Take that small step.

Not very exciting, is it? There’s really not that much to talk about. Well, with my close friends, I’ll still share my thoughts on feelings on the matter, AND what I’m doing about it). I still think we need a safe place to be real about the challenges of life, motherhood included. No sugar-coating. Keeping it real. But when something becomes a fad, I get worried. What happens when mommy guilt is no longer fashionable? When it’s “so yesterday”?

Who cares. Instead of asking, “Does this guilt make my butt look fat?” you’ll be saying, “This guilt doesn’t feel good and I’m going to do something about it.

P.S. If you are a personal organizer or a coach that helps moms of picky eaters, God Bless You. And please e-mail me.

Why I Don’t Want Balance!
by Jo Della Penna

Note: I am delighted to feature guest blogger, Jo Della Penna on The Guilt Free Mom blog! I’m always on a mission to offer you a variety of viewpoints on how moms can ditch the guilt, raise great kids while growing a profitable business.  Jo Della has a delightful heart-centered approach to helping people (overwhelmed moms included) grow their businesses to be profitable and still enjoy the rest of their lives!  Be sure to check out the info at the end of her post so you can see the amazing resources she offers, and look for more of Jo Della’s posts in the future!

 
Balancing your life is not an easy task, is it?

We are super busy with growing and managing our business. We have our personal lives to attend to, as well. If you have growing kids, like I do, you know it takes creative time management to fit in all the extracurricular activities on top of everything else. Over the years, I have found that the idea of creating balance in my life was unrealistic. The more I tried to balance my life, the more it felt out of reach.

It then dawned on me…

I don’t want balance!

You know the scales that have a dish on each side?
When the weight is the same on both sides, the dishes are even. When one side is heavier than the other, one side moves up while the other moves down.

Think about it.

The only time the scale is in motion is when the scale is out of balance. When things are balanced, nothing moves. I don’t know about you, but I would rather be moving than standing still. So, your goal is not to have balance in life, but to create harmony. Think of a music band. In a band, each instrument ebbs and flows throughout the song.  No two instruments are balance in volume, tone, or note. However, the combination of all the unbalanced instruments winds up creating enjoyable music.

Same is true for your life.

We each have 5 primary areas in our life that, when in harmony, creates an enjoyable existence. I will explain each of these areas of life in depth in future posts, but for now, here’s the list.

The 5 areas are:

1. Relationship     2.  Financial      3.  Mental      4. Spiritual     5.  Physical

To have harmony in your life, it does not mean that you have to laser focus on each of those areas all the time. That would drive you crazy and have you completely overwhelmed. However, if you are not satisfied with one or two of the five areas, it just means you need to pay closer attention and work to get it back in line for you to be back in harmony.

At times, you may have a great marriage, have money in the bank and are in learning mode, but you’re spiritually disconnected and sick all the time. Or, other times, you’re exercising regularly, reading and learning often, but
your bank account is empty and you’re always irritable towards family and friends.
Think about the areas in your life. What is working well? Where are you satisfied? Great! Those areas require
less attention. What is NOT working well? Where are you dissatisfied? This is where you place most of your attention. Now, let me note, your answers may change day to day, or even hour by hour. The key is to check in with yourself often enough so none of the 5 areas become so out of harmony that it breaks up the “band”!

 List 1 or 2 things you could do to improve those areas that require your
attention.
Commit to taking one step towards improving it immediately and you will find that it does not take a huge amount of effort to attain harmony. It just requires regular attention.

© 2009-2010 The Business Of You, Inc.
Award-Winning Entrepreneur, Coach, National Speaker and Author, Jo Della Penna publishes The
Business of You E-Zine with over 1,500+ subscribers. If you’re ready to jump-start your
business, make more money, and have more joy and excitement in your life, get your
FREE tips now at www.TheBusinessofYou.com

I remember back in the ’90s there was a hilarious comedy routine that Jeff Foxworthy did called, “You might be a redneck if…”

You Might Be A Guilt-Ridden Mom If…………..

• your idea of self-care is checking e-mail or
• you feel bad that you don’t enjoy playing with Legos, Barbies, etc. with your child (guilty secret: I hate bored, oops, I mean board games).
• you compare yourself to the moms you know who are the most fit, the most calm (or so it seems), the most “anything” and come up short.
• you read parenting books for support and then beat yourself up for not being able to use the ideas in the book “perfectly.”
• your friend tells you that she puts pureed beans and spinach in her child’s food to boost the nutrition, and you immediately think of the Twinkies your child had at snack (and feel horrible). Okay. So maybe your child doesn’t eat Twinkies. Maybe it was just that none of the food you serve has puree hidden in it. And you feel bad.
• you wonder if you’re ever going to be patient “enough,” loving “enough,” basically just “enough” of a “good” mother to your child.
• you think about saving for your child’s college fund AND therapy fund.
• you have a picture in your head of how you think you’re supposed to be as  mom and feel awful that your life doesn’t match the picture.
• your child’s teacher tells you that she is having problems with aggression at school, and you immediately think, “OMG, that’s because I let her watch that show on TV. I’m such a bad mom….”
• you are afraid that you’re one of the only moms that loves her child and yet doesn’t love several aspects of motherhood.

Can you relate to any? What would you add?

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s no use crying over spilled milk?”

I felt virtuous and I explained to the deli manager that I wanted something low-cal and healthful. “If you like feta cheese, the greek salad is delicious and it’s full of veggies.” Bingo! There was my solution.  I sauntered to the car, bursting with the pride of honoring my commitment to health. And then it happened. As I was driving, I  hit my brakes quickly. My virtuous meal turned into a virtual mess.

This was so not fair! I’d “done the right thing” and was now “supposed” to be rewarded! I immediately felt sorry for myself, annoyed, and put-upon. I briefly thought about “retaliating” and going through a fast food joint to ease my pain with onion rings. But whom would I be retaliating against? Myself? Luckily, that choice seemed ludicrous.

The 15 minutes it took to drive home gave me the space to calm down and choose another perspective (notice that my first perspective was to feel sorry for myself and wolf down greasy food!). Once home, I started to laugh. I realized that life happens: not a stunningly complex realization, but apparently one I needed to still learn. As I laughed at how close I came to giving in and eating junk food all because life didn’t go my way in that moment, I realized that, in the moment I felt my feelings and gave myself space to calm down and act (rather than react), I won. I won out over feeling victimized, over whiny self-talk, over negative events that happen that I don’t like.

It was then, in my laughter, that I realized that my days of being a mompreneur are filled with moments that require me to “re-boot” myself and keep going. Isn’t motherhood like that, too? Life is like that. There are days when my kids need me as much as my business does, and there just isn’t time to do it all. There are days when my clients’ internet businesses are thriving and their home lives are not, AND they need help right away. And, there are times when my computer crashes and it feels like my whole business will crash, too, if the dang thing isn’t up and running soon.

And so it is with us mompreneurs. There will always be those “spilled greek salad days,” when we feel we’ve done everything right, and yet it all seems to be going wrong. Allowing ourselves a little tantrum isn’t necessarily a bad thing–especially when it just involves us tantrumming with ourselves! Just know that on those days when:

*the kids are home sick and you need to lead a huge teleseminar and have two coaching clients

*you write an amazing blog post only to find it disappear into thin air

*your child refuses to go to school and you have to be on a call in 30 minutes

…you are not alone. We all have those days, those “spilled greek salad days.” But know this. You also can choose to feel your feelings and then, reboot. While I’ve got  ideas on how to handle the parenting/family problems that arise in a mompreneur’s life, I know that this skill of rebooting and choosing my response trumps all others.

As mom entrepreneurs, we reboot on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. Give yourself some credit for already doing it, and don’t underestimate this skill! That person who just gave you the finger on the freeway apparently needs to learn it!

As mom entrepreneurs, we are beyond busy.

As business women, we know that there are activities that are high-payoff because they will help our business grow AND make us money (and I’ve had to admit that playing “Jigzone” on the computer isn’t one of them!).  The same is true for our personal lives. We can respond to what is urgently slapping us in the face, but it doesn’t mean that doing so is the best use of our time. If we look at the areas of our personal/family lives that cause us stress, and can see that, over time, we are responding the same way, to the same situations, it’s time to make a change and do something different.

However, being “busy” can be a crutch at times, because it can become an excuse for not dealing head-on with something that really needs our attention: something that, if we addressed it, would lead to happier, better-behaved kids or more clients in our business. Pick an area of your life where you struggle. For me it’s dinner. My husband’s a vegetarian and I’m trying to lose weight. On top of that, I have picky kids AND a crazy schedule. If night after night I find myself in the same situation, feeling guilty and frustrated and maybe even resentful that this dinner thing is such a problem and there is rarely a nutritious dinner on the table,  I have a choice. I can blame my busy schedule for why this situation is happening, and then make an excuse for not making a change. Or, I can recognize that it is because I am busy that I choose to take responsibility and change the situation.

An easy way to tell if you’re making excuses and using your “busyness” and “business” as reasons why you don’t have the time to address what’s not working in your life is this litmus test. Do you make the time to take care of yourself on a daily basis? I’m not talking running off to the spa everyday. I mean do you take time to clear your head, do something for a few minutes that energizes and nourishes you? Or are you parenting on empty and running your business that way too? 

 There is a direct relationship between how willing you are to take care of yourself on a regular basis and how willing you are to take responsibility for your life. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we just have more mental and physical energy to deal with what’s not working when we are taking care of ourselves. Or perhaps it’s that the act of taking care of ourselves is the first step in our showing up fully in our own lives (and admitting where we need help). When we’re running on fumes because of a crazy schedule, there’s little willingness to deal with challenges because we’re simply in “I just need to get through this” mode.

The guilt-free approach to this mompreneur dilemma is to ask yourself, “In what areas am I taking responsibility in my life?” Acknowledge what you ARE doing that’s helping you. Then ask yourself, “What’s one area of my life where I can make one small change for the better?” Remember that when you are really stressed and overwhelmed, the smallest changes can have the largest impact. Don’t let your guilt about not changing become yet another excuse. Notice it, and move on! Don’t let excuses keep you stuck in the status quo unless you’re happy there. The cost to you and your family is high: more stress and chaos, and less peace. The cost to your business is twofold: less energy to put into your business, and a lot less profit.

Bottom Line? It doesn’t have to be this way. You can “unstick” yourself from the web of excuses by a)acknowledging that you have them and b)not buying into them. Like a friendship that was once mutually beneficial and no longer is, you can part ways with your excuses.

Oh, they’ll still try to visit, from time to time. But all you have to do is smile, wave goodbye, and move on.

Motherhood has been under close scrutiny for years.

TV shows such as “Wife Swap” routinely depict two moms with polar opposite styles, views, and ways of mothering. If you had to decide who was the better mom: the pagan motorcyle mama who believes too many rules are “bad” and that families are all about having fun, or the conservative Christian mama who believes strictness, rules, and structure are what’s most important, whom would you pick? Is it “cheating” to believe that a combination of the two moms’ best qualities would somehow be healthier than the two extremes by themselves? Or is that just a total cop-out?

As a mom myself, a blogger of mom issues, and a parenting coach, I wholeheartedly embrace the idea of “good” mothering, though I much prefer the term “effective mothering.”  Raising children to be caring, ethical adults who contribute to the good of society is no small feat, and in a culture that runs on adrenaline and materialism, it is made even more difficult. But it’s not impossible. It does require that you are clear on what really, really matters to you as a mom. Here’s the beginning of my list of what an effective mom is (feel free to add to or disagree with any of these):

1. Meet your children’s basic needs for food, shelter, attachment, emotional and physical safety so that they grow up with a sense of trust.
2. Be clear on what morals matter to you and to society and have a way of teaching your children these morals (e.g., don’t kill people, don’t steal, tell the truth, contribute to the greater good, etc.).
3. Develop a conscience in your children by promoting empathy and sensitivity towards self and others.
4. Teach the value of work  so that your children don’t have an attitude of “entitlement,”as though the world owes them a living, happiness, or anything else.
5. Model, on a regular basis, how to set healthy boundaries with others. Children who grow up knowing where they end and others start respect themselves and others.
6. Every day, if possible, find some way to connect with your children in a deep way that says, “I see you. You matter to me.”  Making the committment to look into your child’s eyes and connect (even if they roll their eyes!) on a regular basis shows them that they matter. And children who know they matter at home have an easier time finding healthy ways to matter away from home.

This list is just a start. As you can see, the above items leave a lot of room for personality style and other differences.  Instead of saying (‘a la Wife Swap style), “Good moms always go to church and cut coupons” or “Good moms are free of religion and let their kids run free”–both of which are artificial dichotomies anyway– we instead can look at the bigger picture of what we know helps to raise healthy, effective adults.

I can already think of other things to add. Can you? Do you disagree with any of these items? What about my distinction between a “good” mom and an “effective” mom? I’d love to hear from you.

All moms are liars.

Why can’t we just admit to ourselves and other moms that this mothering thing can be HARD? It’s also wonderful. And magical. And deeply fulfilling (sometimes, but not when it involves severe sleep deprivation or poop or tweens wanting to pierce body parts). But it’s still difficult. I am so lucky that I get to be privvy to moms’ deepest fears about themselves and their kids. I get to hear over and over again many moms’ small, whispery voice that admits, “I feel like such a bad mom…” And what I want to do right at this exact moment is say, “Honey, we all do. Some of us are just willing to admit it.” There. I said it. This mom gig is hard and I mess up regularly. So what?

 Motherhood has become a dangerous, competitive sport; unfortunately, the deepest injuries come from moms comparing themselves to others and having unrealistic expectations for themselves and their kids. Everybody thinks everybody else “has it all together.” None of us does. We’re all doing the best we can and are somewhere along the continuum of “everything is falling apart and I want to give up ” to “I am modern-day Martha Stewart and June Cleaver who has a Ph.D and is more fit and thin than before I had kids.” That leaves a whole lotta space in between, people.

So where do I fit on this continuum? I will admit that there are days when I feel like a rotten mother, and days where I feel like a pretty great mother. Sometimes I feel rotten and great on the same day. That’s pretty normal for motherhood, wouldn’t you say? I say it’s time for us to give other mothers the gift of honesty. By being real about this mothering thing, you give other mothers permission to do the same.

Honest.

No lie.

Know anyone who doesn’t want a happy family?

Myth #1: Never Yell At Your Kids. Not that I think yelling works. It’s just that we live in the real world, people. And sometimes we yell. So, we minimize yelling. And we forgive ourselves when we sometimes do it. Knowing that yelling isn’t helpful and even undermines you is good. But beating yourself up when you slip isn’t.

Myth #2: Always Remain Calm When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. Once again, we’re people. It’s not humanly possible to remain calm all the time. You can still be an effective parent and have a healthy family even when you don’t feel calm. The goal is to become aware of the times you aren’t, and gently bring yourself back to your center (What? First you have to FIND your center? Join the club!). But it’s simply not true that you must always remain calm in order to be a good parent. Maybe when you’re dead you can do that. But for now, how about we strive for the willingness to be calm and when we’re not, we notice it, take a breath, and try again.

Myth #3: Always Enjoy Being With Your Children. Don’t like to play legos with your preschooler? That’s okay. Get tired of your pre-teen’s moodiness and long for a break?  Take one.  One mom I worked with confided that she gets bored playing make believe with her four year old. But guess what? This same mom didn’t mind having her daughter cook dinner with her. As a practical, results-oriented personality, this fit this mom’s strengths better AND still benefitted her daughter. There is not a “right way” to be with our children. They absolutely do need our presence. They do need to be seen and heard and validated. But a big thumbs down to anyone who says exactly HOW this needs to show up in your life.

Healthy families come in all different manifestations. Yes, they have several things in common (stay tuned for what those are). But…what they also share is that they are composed of humans who aren’t perfect. The key to happiness isn’t perfection. It’s being aware of all that is already good in your family, being grateful for it, and then slowly moving forward to create more of what you want. Perfectionism leads to guilt, which keeps you stuck in the muck. Real families have issues. And it’s the healthy ones who admit it.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that wondering if it’s all my fault completely saps me of my energy and motivation to do anything to change. It’s like any air I had in my “energy balloon” is pricked with a big ol’ pin just by thinking that guilt-inducing thought. I used to think I was taking responsibility by asking this question. Instead, I was inadvertantly staying stuck in the problem. Try it. Ask yourself, “Is it my fault my child behaves the way she does?” Then ask yourself a different, more empowering question such as, “What can I do differently that would help my child behave better?” This is a subtle, but oh-so-important question. Never underestimate the power of your questions, whether you’re asking them of yourself or of others.

So many of the moms I work with are hard on themselves. They think that if they were better mothers, they wouldn’t wonder what to say and do when their child misbehaves. The truth is, you can be a great mom and still be at a loss about what to do some of the time. One of the biggest issues that prevents moms from knowing how to successfully parent their strong willed children is that most of the parenting advice “out there” backfires with challenging kids. Seriously. Kids who are challenging are wired differently and they require a different approach. So no, it’s not your fault that your child comes wired with more energy, more persistence, more “will.” As one of my clients just said, “I know those are great qualities for my son to have…I just first have to get him to adulthood!” At the same time, there are several things you can do to make parenting such a child easier, more rewarding, and more effective. In an upcoming post, I’ll outline what those are. For now, make a decision to start the new year off with thoughts that inspire you to positive action. I’ll be sure to join you, and will be here to support you every step of the way.

Your thoughts determine your behavior. Right before I lost my temper with my strong-willed daughter yesterday, I can look back on what I was thinking: ”I am tired of all this noise! It’s stressing me out!” Rather than pay attention to what I needed in that moment (to ask my daughter to stop -playing the piano or to move myself to another part of the house), I ignored that thought. The result? Reaction-mode. Auto-pilot. I barked an order to my daughter, and then caught myself being surprised that she didn’t comply.

This morning, I found myself thinking about how much I dread the morning routine when I have to leave the house in the morning. Thinking about all that could go wrong, I started to feel cranky. I just knew my daughter would be cranky when she woke up. She was.  So was I. I was telling a friend about this, explaining that my thoughts have been sort of negative lately. She asked, “So are you blaming yourself for creating your own reality? Are you saying because you have less-than-pleasant thoughts about your children at times, that you are the cause of their behavior?”  I thought about it. “No. Yes, I mean, sort of,” I replied. What did I mean?

This is what I mean. Paying attention to our thoughts helps us tune into what we need so we can take care of ourselves Throughout the day, ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?” When you feel stress, notice what you were just thinking about. Your thoughts help determine how you feel. How you feel shapes how you act. And how you act shapes how you feel. Simple, but not easy.