Know anyone who doesn’t want a happy family? Books and other resources abound about how to have one. There is a lot of misinformation out there that encourages parents to feel guilty about NOT having the perfect, happy, healthy family. Who on earth can do all the books and websites describe? Is it even necessary? Here are some of the myths about having a happy family that I think do parents a huge disservice by keeping them mired in guilt:
Myth #1: Never Yell At Your Kids. Not that I think yelling works. It’s just that we live in the real world, people. And sometimes we yell. So, we minimize yelling. And we forgive ourselves when we sometimes do it. Knowing that yelling isn’t helpful and even undermines you is good. But beating yourself up when you slip isn’t.
Myth #2: Always Remain Calm When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. Once again, we’re people. It’s not humanly possible to remain calm all the time. You can still be an effective parent and have a healthy family even when you don’t feel calm. The goal is to become aware of the times you aren’t, and gently bring yourself back to your center (What? First you have to FIND your center? Join the club!). But it’s simply not true that you must always remain calm in order to be a good parent. Maybe when you’re dead you can do that. But for now, how about we strive for the willingness to be calm and when we’re not, we notice it, take a breath, and try again.
Myth #3: Always Enjoy Being With Your Children. Don’t like to play legos with your preschooler? That’s okay. Get tired of your pre-teen’s moodiness and long for a break? Take one. One mom I worked with confided that she gets bored playing make believe with her four year old. But guess what? This same mom didn’t mind having her daughter cook dinner with her. As a practical, results-oriented personality, this fit this mom’s strengths better AND still benefitted her daughter. There is not a “right way” to be with our children. They absolutely do need our presence. They do need to be seen and heard and validated. But a big thumbs down to anyone who says exactly HOW this needs to show up in your life.
Healthy families come in all different manifestations. Yes, they have several things in common (stay tuned for what those are). But…what they also share is that they are composed of humans who aren’t perfect. The key to happiness isn’t perfection. It’s being aware of all that is already good in your family, being grateful for it, and then slowly moving forward to create more of what you want. Perfectionism leads to guilt, which keeps you stuck in the muck. Real families have issues. And it’s the healthy ones who admit it.
If you’re anything like me (and if you have a strong-willed child, I’m betting we have a few things in common!), this thought has crossed your mind at least once: “Is it my fault my child is so difficult to parent?” A simple request to your child can result in her melting down into a temper tantrum. Too much noise or stimulation can mean excess energy–I’m thinking of my own strong-willed daughter zooming around the house the other night, exclaiming with glee, “I just LOVE the holidays! They give me so much ENERGY!” Yeah. I noticed that, as yet another chair tumbled to the ground.
