My friend, Jaime Woolf, wrote a poweful book called, Mom In Chief: How Wisdom from the Workplace Can Save Your Family from Chaos. She helps women take leadership skills from other areas of their lives and use them to parent more easily and effectively. For Mother’s Day, she sent out this message to the women on her subscriber list. It resonated with me so much I asked for her permission to share it, and she agreed! By the way, I love that she says, “Living in a perpetual state of imbalance is a given.” I try to abstain from using the word “balance” and instead use words like “rhythm.” Her perspective  is both practical and helpful for those of us who struggle with mom guilt. Enjoy!

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I write in Mom-in-Chief, “To have the best connection with our children and the most positive influence on them, we need to deepen our connection with ourselves.” When we buzz through our days barely stopping to breathe, we’re too wrung out to enjoy anything let alone our families. It takes a conscious effort to build time for nurturing yourself and reconnecting with your best self.

Living in a perpetual state of imbalance is a given. This Mother’s Day, take a couple of guilt-free hours to do something indulgent, something that gives you energy, something without the kids! The point of doing this is to help you come to a connect-the-dots moment when you reawaken the joy you feel for your work, life, and family.

But it’s not only on Mother’s Day that you want to take time for yourself. The best leaders– Presidents, CEOs, parents–are disciplined about finding the time to rejuvenate. Here are some questions to ponder in honor of Mother’s Day:

1. On what activities do I want to spend less time? (Hint: think of those activities that make you feel lethargic just to think about them–multiple rounds of CandyLand, making lunches).

2. Think about how to off-load undesired tasks. For example, can your kids make their own lunches? Do you really need to go to every soccer game?

3. On what activities do you want to spend more time? Hiking in the hills, curling up with a novel, going to a concert?

4. What will you do to expand the time you devote to this area? Bypass the excuses, get creative, and take action.

To perform your best and inspire the best in others, you need to step back from the pressure and nurture yourself. This is what the best leaders do and this is what we need to do to feel effective and experience the rewards of parenting.

Good luck and Happy Mother’s Day!

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To reach Jamie Woolf, you find her at www.mominchief.com, and www.theparentleader.com. Her book is available on her site, as well as at www.amazon.com.

“You suck! You’re a rotten mother!”

Bullies. They’re not just relegated to the school yard anymore. Nope. Thanks to moms competing with one another in an era of reduced privacy (Facebook, Twitter, message boards and chat rooms) and increased parenting information, being a bully is now an equal opportunity “sport.” With the click of a mouse, a mom who wouldn’t criticize another mom to her face can now post mean comments about that mom and remain somewhat anonymous and protected.  Maybe you think the word “bully” is harsh?  Here’s the definition from dictionary.com:  a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. Wikipedia says that bullying consists of 3 types of abuse: emotional, verbal, and physical.  I’d say that describes what some moms are doing to other moms. If one mom perceives that others are “smaller” and “weaker” than she is, or if that mom actually feels smaller and weaker but doesn’t want to admit it, bullying can result.

This issue of mom being mean to other moms and being cyber bullies is such a hot issue that recently, that ABCnews.com just profiled a story on it. The story, called,    “Mean Moms: A New Kind Of Bully,”    powerfully illustrated how far some moms will go to judge others. In the video (which I highly recommend you watch), there are examples of moms calling moms who don’t breastfeed “copouts” and “uneducated.” Working moms are called “selfish” and co-sleeping moms are called “irresponsible.”  Another blog article entitled, “Dealing With The PTA Bully”   further underscored this problem. I don’t care WHAT your views on breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or whether or not moms should work outside the home are, BE CIVIL. Have intelligent conversation. I don’t know of any mom that doesn’t have strong feelings about SOME aspect of mothering. Are you a breastfeeding lactivist? Good! Moms need support for that important activity. What moms DON’T need is your judgment if they choose not to breastfeed. Trust me. You probably don’t know their whole story. Maybe they’re on medication for post partum depression. Maybe they didn’t get the relevant support they so desperately needed. Every woman has a unique story in motherhood, and yours doesn’t trump hers. Politely disagree or be quiet.

We need each other. In our weaknesses and in our strengths (and we’ve all got both), we need each other.It’s tough enough to be a mom. It’s human for our mind to judge others. But just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it. Besides, if you really want people to hear your passionate beliefs on spanking, or breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or whatever the issue is, do you really think they’ll listen to your rants about them and think, “Wow. I’m such an idiot. Thanks for pointing that out. Now that you’ve publicly lambasted and spanked me, I’ve seen the errors of my ways and have been born anew. Thank you for making me a changed woman.”

Um, no. Let’s keep our strong convictions and passionate beliefs.

Let’s lose the judgment and the bullying.

Instead, we can strong in sisterhood, supporting each other. Our culture makes it hard enough on moms; other moms don’t need to make mothering even harder.

While I may not know how to solve problems like ending world hunger or creating world peace, one thing I DO know is that I tend to make major changes all at once

Let me start with the biggest change I have going on right now: moving to California.  Before the move can take place, we need to sell our home. So that we could sell our home, we invested time and money in stripping wall paper, repainting, and other necessities. Because the housing market is, shall we say, less than stellar, we knew our patience would be tried. We just didn’t know how long it’d be tried (so far it’s been 6 months). So, we continue to keep our house super clean so a real estate agent can show it on a moment’s notice. We’re not moving until we sell our home, and we don’t know when that will be. So yes, we’re moving, but we don’t know when. We’re in an interesting place: limbo. We know that, in a heartbeat, someone will buy our home and we’ll be in for a whole lot of work as we move two states away. So this change is like one gigantic transition. For someone who likes to know how things will turn out, let’s just say I’m being tested!

Another major change is that I’ve made the committment to get healthy. It’s long bothered me that I struggle with my weight. As a mom of two girls, I didn’t like what I was modeling for them: sugar addiction and being overweight. I also had some fears of my health failing and not being around to see them grow up. I don’t know what finally clicked with me (since goodness knows I’ve had this monkey on my back and have been fretting about it for years), but something did, and I decided that I was D-O-N-E being overweight. And “done” is really the best word for it. I’m done. Finished. Through. So far, I’ve lost 25 pounds and have been working out on the eliptical machine at least 4 times per week (sometimes more).  What’s really weird, but in a good sort of way, is that even though I am often stressed with all the changes in my life and sometimes think about eating cookies or cake to pacify myself, I know in my bones that I’m not going to do it. I am committed to being healthy, feeling better, looking better, and modeling healthy behaviors for my girls. What’s really weird is that my moving out of state prompted me to think about my life in new ways. I started asking myself questions like, “Moving back to California has been a dream of mine for a long time…hmmm..what else has been a dream of mine? What else can I do that would help me really live on purpose?” It didn’t take long for me to figure out that moving to a new state and city is a chance to start over. I love fresh beginnings! Being closer to family and in a sunny climate needed to be a part of my “True North” experiences: those things that I just knew in my heart I needed to do. Losing weight and getting healthy seemed to go right along with them.

Which leads me to my last big change: my business. When I made the switch from being a teacher to a parent coach five years ago, I knew I was on track (the way you “just know” in your heart about many things) to begin my next step. I’m so glad I did that because I am passionate about supporting moms. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing: helping moms get unstressed and overwhelmed, overcome guilt, and enjoy life.  However, over the years, I’ve gotten clearer on a few things. First, while one on one coaching is very powerful, it can’t be the only thing I offer. Not everyone is ready for that level of intimacy. Plus, I can only work with so many one on one clients at a time. Second, the teacher in me wants needs to come out to play. I love sharing information and helping people learn new ideas and strategies, especially in a group. Third, the work I do with moms is so important to me that I want it to be more far-reaching. So, to honor this clarity and to keep living my life on purpose, I am changing how I offer what I do. This means that I will lead more teleclasses and groups. It means I’ll blog more frequently. It means I’ll be starting a BlogTalkRadio show. It really means streamlining and simplifying. You may notice that my blog has changed (it’s still a work in progress right now so pardon the dust). The header’s gone. There aren’t so many things on the home page vying for your attention (you have enough going on in your own life vying for your attention, right?!). I have a new audio an Quick Start Guide on  “How To Get Your Kids To Listen And Do What You Say” because when I polled my subscribers, they said that along with parenting a strong-willed child, this was a major hot button for them. I’ll still be offering one on one coaching but will change how I do it a bit. I even have a new Coaching Club I’ll be starting up (more on that in the future).

In the meantime, I’m doing what I usually do, which is making several changes at once. Yeah, sometimes I get pretty overwhelmed and want to run away to the Bahamas. However, I’m also excited about the life I’m creating. I don’t always know what’s coming next, but then again, did I ever really? Every pound I lose or every workout I do inspires me to keep the faith about my house selling and about all the changes I’m making in my business. I’m scared, excited, nervous and overwhelmed.

I’m also pretty darned grateful to be on this path of creating the life I’ve been wanting but have been too afraid to do anything about. And so I continue to act in spite of the fear, because woven into the fear is the excitement of possibility.

Change is like that, don’t you think?

The day just continued downhill from there.  My daughters (ages 7 and 10) woke up cranky and ready to spar with one another. The phone kept ringing. There were no clean spoons with which to eat breakfast. My husband was on a business trip. My youngest starting crying because her tooth hurt. All I wanted was a chance to drink my coffee in peace. As the girls started sparring once more, I could feel my blood boil. A normally calm person, I almost lashed out with, “Knock it off, you two, or no computer time for the whole week!” But I stopped myself.

Instead, I stood at the kitchen sink and closed my eyes. As I took a very deep breath and let it out slowly, I pictured myself breathing out my stress. “What do you tell the moms you coach to do, Karen? Think!” Ahhhhh…with the stress hormones abating, I remembered. Reset. Reboot. Do-over. Give myself some space between the problem and the next moment.

In that holy, powerful gap between wanting to yell and becoming willing to “reboot” my system and try again, I became calm. And calm begets calm. Notice that I wanted to yell. I really did. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to yell at my kids. But my intense willingness to reset and reboot overrode my other impulse. It doesn’t always, trust me. But that’s because I’m not a computer; I’m human. Like any habit, the willingness to reboot or reset can be strengthened. It’s defintely one I plan on strengthening because the results are worth it.

Did the morning magically turn around due to my resetting? Sort of. I had my daughters reset (we’ve practiced this skill a lot previously so there was a prior context for them), and we all took a breath. Then we went to the couch, sat down, snuggled, and didn’t say a word for three minutes.

Oh. And I had my cup of coffee, which I drank in peace. So Igot my wish.

The article goes on to say that a little stress is good. It can “keep you on your toes” and help you tap into your aliveness. But when your “aliveness” morphs into “lividness” (ok–I made up that word!), something’s gotta give. For many of us moms, what gives is our sanity and peace of mind.

The truth? Adrenaline is as addictive as crack.  I’d prefer to think that my idea of a high was working out on the eliptical or enjoying a cup of  coffee. But  the truth hurts. Worrying and stressing about how things will ever get done or what others think of me or how much is on my plate keeps me stuck. And sometimes stuck feels good. Or at least it feels better than taking action.  Is that wrong? Nope. Is it where I want to stay? Nope.  The goal is to use the stress as a wake-up call that I need to pay attention to something in my life: my health, my parenting, etc.

Staying stressed is like hitting the snooze button repeatedly so you can sleep more. It can become a comfortable habit that deludes you into thinking you’re doing something productive.  I don’t think we can “Just Say No to Stress.” Stress happens. We can, however, choose to acknowledge that we feel it, and then release it. Creating art journal pages (even for 5 minutes) helps me let go of it.  Sometimes it’s taking a breath and closing my eyes.

One of the most important steps to managing stress is to be willing to notice and acknowledge it. Once you do that, you can take a time out and “reset” yourself so that you can act differently.  The important thing is to stop functioning on autopilot and start becoming aware of your reactions. Once you’re aware, you can use the adrenaline of the moment to propel you towards balance (whatever that looks like for you). Being in a chronic state of adrenaline rush keeps you on the hamster wheel of life. Being willing to acknowledge the stress and then do one small thing to take care of yourself moves you from addiction and autopilot to awareness and freedom.

I talked with Bonnie Harris, the author of When Kids Push Your Buttons And What To Do About It (one of my favorite parenting books!). Bonnie’s down-to-earth approach will inspire you to try a new way of managing conflicts with your child. Her book is full of vivid examples that really show how her ideas work. For a brief overview, listen to our podcast (to be posted in a few days), and then check out her website at www.bonnieharris.com!