Let’s be real for a minute: parenting is hard work. Whether your child is strong-willed or mild-mannered (I have one of each!), you have to work at intentionally instilling your values and teaching right from wrong. But you can work smarter, not harder, by avoiding these discipline mistakes:
1. Talking Too Much. Lecturing. Explaining. Nagging. If you’re clear about your expectations and rules up front, you shouldn’t need to explain yourself endlessly. In fact, doing so gives your child time, attention and relationship at the wrong time, AND takes away their opportunity to learn for themselves. For example, say that your son asks for a snack close to dinner time. The rule is that snacks are allowed up to 45 minutes before dinner. After you ask your son, “What is the rule about that?” and he tells you (or you clearly restate), resist the urge to talk about it. Pay attention to something else, and whatever you do, don’t take any verbal bait.
2. Taking The Verbal Bait Children Dangle In Front Of You. This is also known as taking what your child says personally. After you or your son restate the rule (see above), your son may try to “get your goat” by saying, “Why???I’m hungry!’ or “Just this once…c’mon!” or “Why are you always so mean to me?” Your mission, and I HOPE you accept it, is to remain calm (thereby remaining in your power) and say nothing. Nada. Zippo. If your son ups the ante and calls you a name or behaves aggressively, it’s time for him to do a “re-set” (a brief time-out in the same room so he can regain control, get NO energy and attention until he’s back in control and behaving appropriately). Not taking the bait means not responding to the content of what your son is saying (“What do you MEAN I’m always mean to you? Was it ‘mean ‘when I bought you those expensive shoes you wanted?”). It also means paying attention to the little voice in your head that might be saying, “He can’t get away with this–and if I don’t talk to him about this right now, he WILL be getting away with it!”
3. Mis-Using Time Out. Time out can be an effective tool for teaching children how to calm themselves and regain control. Since children want your time, energy, attention and relationship more than anything else, they will do what works in order to get it. This includes behaving badly: sometimes, very badly. When misused, time out becomes so commonplace that kids tune it out. “Go to time out” means nothing if your child hears it several times a day. Save it for the big stuff. Decide ahead of time what the rules are so kids are clear on when time-outs happen. And be sure to have some other tools in your tool kit so you aren’t over-relying on any one tool to do the job of many.
4. Giving more time and attention when your child misbehaves. Let’s face it. Our whole culture is set up to focus on what’s not working. The news is about the trauma and the drama. The problem with this approach in disciplining is that it gives time, attention and relationship to your child (which is a good thing) at the wrong time (a not-s0-good thing). If your child can make your face red and your voice louder when she misbehaves, she learns a very important lesson: you are very animated and attentive when she’s misbehaving. Children, especially challenging children, are masters at detecting how to get our energy. If you aren’t MORE animated when your child is behaving well and following rules than when she isn’t, expect to see more misbehavior. Look for moments throughout the day when your child ISN’T breaking a rule, and get animated with her about it!
5. Not Making Clear Requests. If you ask your son, “Will you pick up your socks?” he may answer, “No.” If you ask your daughter, “Do you mind cleaning your room?” you’re opening yourself up to hear a “yes.” If you bark orders at your child by saying, “Clean your room NOW!” be prepared for a possible power struggle. Make it easier on yourself by starting your requests with two magic phrases: “I need you to….” and “Now it’s time to…” You up the odds that your child do what you asked, AND you model being calm and assertive. The more challenging your child is, the more clear you need to be with how you make requests.
A guilt-free way to use the above list is to note which ones you do well and which ones you want to work on. Then, pick one area, and practice it. Be sure to notice when you did it well! And come back here to share with us. Personally, I’ll be practicing the “making clear requests” one. Tune back in to see how I do!
