Someone recentlyadmitted to me that “mommy guilt” is “getting old” and that moms are wearing it like a badge of honor. Like it’s the ailment du jour and it’s hip to feel guilty (luckily, I don’t count Britney Spears as “hip” since I doubt she suffers from mommy guilt).

 I can see her point. While I’m quite sure guilt about mothering has been around a long time (although let’s face it—our ancestors didn’t compare themselves on blogs, Twitter and Facebook–we have it SO MUCH harder!), it’s really been only recently that it wasn’t just medicated it away with tranquilizers or martinis (cheap wine if you were on a budget).

 Or. Just. Not. Talked. About.It.

Period.

In a society that loves to take itself seriously AND talk about itself endlessly (think Paris Hilton, or me, if I’m PMSing and near tears), it makes sense that moms feel more free to talk about their stuff. I mean, my husband and I watched a sitcom last night (which shall remain nameless lest you think I am completely anti-intellectual–which I can be) where people paraded around in their underwear, talked about erectile dysfunction, and had sex on the living room floor–all within the span of ten minutes. So yeah. Our culture’s pretty open to letting it all hang out (literally and metaphorically).

Is this always a good thing (not in a Martha Stewart sort of way)?

Have we crossed over to the dark side of narcissim and now just bandy about the admission, “I feel so guilty” with the same nonchalance as “I’d like a double tall nonfat latte with no whip” or “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?”

 I think, as a culture, we love black and white thinking because it’s exciting. It’s sexy. It sells and entertains. EITHER we tell all our dirty secrets about how we feel we suck, the ways in which we suck, and how much we suck, OR we deny that there is even a problem.

Problem? What problem? Just hand me another drink or give me the credit card so I can go shopping. See? There’s no problem.

The middle ground isn’t so sexy, and we don’t get as much attention for it.

 There are lots of areas in my life about which I feel pretty good.  Confident, even . But feeding my picky kid ain’t one of them. Here’s what I’ve done in the past to manage the guilt I feel in this area.

  1. Tell friends and relatives that I feel so guilty that my daughter eats lots of sugar, and very few fruits and vegetables.
  2. Explain in great detail that the only fruit she’ll eat are red apples and the only veggies are baby carrots dipped in ranch.
  3. Admit that I am stumped and don’t know what to do.
  4. Emphasize that I feel really guilty about this situation.
  5. Throw my hands up in the air and say laughingly, “Oh, well! We’re moms! We’ve gotta feel guilty about something!”
  6. Read books and blog articles on picky eaters and feel really overwhelmed.
  7. Repeat steps 1 – 6, with an emphasis on steps 1 and 4.

And my self-talk drove me nuts. My mean self would say, “OMG, you’re a coach! A parenting coach for, gosh sakes! Get a grip! What would Super Nanny do? What would you help a client do? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, woman, and quit whining already!” My nicer (coach-y) self would soothe, “It’s ok not to know what to do. Take a deep breath and relax. Your guilt doesn’t have to define you as a mother……” Those two warring sides of myself would argue back and forth and I’d become even more anxious.

Score one for the parent coach (yep–I’ve even used sarcasm as a way to manage the guilt, too)!

So I developed a habit of talking about my daughter’s picky eating and my guilt, in order to reduce my anxiety. Unfortunately it didn’t reduce my guilt. Nope, it fueled it. But it lulled me into a false sense of ” really doing something about it.” And in the moment that I was talking about my guilt, I felt better.

The same way you can feel better when you hide in the closet and eat Little Debbie Snack Cakes when you’re stressed–once the cakes have been inhaled, your sense of feeling better is All Gone. Momentary relief, but the issue of the picky eating remains.

Now that I’ve done the Reality TV equivalent of confessing my weaknesses to my blog readers, I’ll come clean and tell you what I’m doing instead (warning: I don’t yet have it “all figured out” and wrapped with a neat bow):

  1. Admit to myself how really, truly crappy I feel about my daughter’s eating habits. By “crappy” I  mean “guilty,” “frustrated” and “scared.” (The sucky but necessary part? Really letting myself feel the feelings instead of just talking about them).
  2. Admit to myself that I really am ready to do something about this issue. Previously, I wasn’t ready. So it was easier to talk about feeling guilty about it than to take action. I’m good at that, especially around things like organizing my office, or organizing anything, really.
  3. Ask myself what’s one small step I could take that would put me in action (with emphasis on the word “small”).
  4. Take that small step.

Not very exciting, is it? There’s really not that much to talk about. Well, with my close friends, I’ll still share my thoughts on feelings on the matter, AND what I’m doing about it). I still think we need a safe place to be real about the challenges of life, motherhood included. No sugar-coating. Keeping it real. But when something becomes a fad, I get worried. What happens when mommy guilt is no longer fashionable? When it’s “so yesterday”?

Who cares. Instead of asking, “Does this guilt make my butt look fat?” you’ll be saying, “This guilt doesn’t feel good and I’m going to do something about it.

P.S. If you are a personal organizer or a coach that helps moms of picky eaters, God Bless You. And please e-mail me.