Is Self-Care the Cosmic Joke of Motherhood?
“You’ve GOT to be kidding me!” This was what my client said when I told her she needed to start making herself a priority, or she was going to have a melt-down not unlike her child’s. “But I’m coming to you because my life is crazy. You know how strong-willed children can be, with tantrum after tantrum. There’s no time for me at the end of the day. Self-care. As if.”
Ahhhh. What the heck is “self-care,” anyway? A made-up term by coaches and therapists to guilt people (read “moms”) into putting one more thing on their to-do lists? Well, we do better when we feel better (yeah, kids do too–but that’s another post). And taking care of yourself is part of that. But I get “pissy” when someone tells me I “need” to do something. Rebellious, even. My inner toddler bares her teeth, ready to lunge in full tantrum-mode at anyone who says I “need” to do one more thing. How am I supposed to meditate, work out at the gym, and go for a “girls night out” because I I must practice self-care? And just when am I supposed to cook dinner or go to the PTA meeting or help my own strong-willed daughter through her tantrum? I know what I should be doing, and I know what I can fit in realistically. No thank-you to any more things I have to do. Except for one thing. On those days when I’ve taken a few minutes to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask myself the question, “What do I need right now?” the answer is often deceptively simple. “Drink some water,” or “Pet the cat” are some examples. Just asking the question creates a space where I become willing to act in my own best interest.
It’s not like drinking a glass of water while petting my cat Gabby changes my entire life. However, once I take a small step of kindness towards myself, I often find it leading to other small steps. And those small steps add up. It reminds me of how it is to start exercising when you’re out of shape. You don’t just start running 5 miles per day when you haven’t exercised in a while. And you don’t have to schedule a trip to the day spa when you’ve been so busy taking care of others’ needs you’ve forgotten what yours are. Just take a moment and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” The answer might surprise you.
A very wise woman asked me a long time ago, “How far do you get in your car on a tank of gas?”
“About 300 miles,” I responded.
“What happens when you run out of gas? Can you take the kids anywhere or run errands for anyone?” she asked.
“Well…no, not until I go fill up…” I said.
“Exactly,” she said. “So why do you expect your body, mind and spirit to go, go, go without ever filling up?”
That’s when I implemented regular self-care in my life. The things I do for myself might look strange to someone else (there’s no day spa, girl’s night out, or vacation to Tahiti in my calendar – never has been), but I DO find ways to replenish my body, mind and spirit on a regular basis. And yes, I have to get creative with it.
Here’s a tip: if you need to be alone for a few minutes (or a few days…LOL), go in the bathroom and lock the door. Even kids know to leave people in the bathroom alone. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent in my bathroom (mostly in 5-minute get-me-away-from-these-kids-before-I-come-ALL-the-way-undone self-imposed timeouts) over the 21 years I’ve been a mom.
P.S. If they start banging on the door, make puking sounds…LOL
Okay, Suzanne.I am still laughing at the comment, “If they start banging on the door, make puking sounds!” Is it safe to say that humor might be a key tool in your self-care tool box?! I know it is in mine! I also know you’re probably not kidding around about going into the bathroom for a mini-break. You’re not taking the laptop in there, are you?
Thanks for sharing your comments!
Karen
Self-care is so critical and I believe you need it most during the times when you feel least able to take it. I am a living testimony of the power and practice of self-care and shedding the perfectionist gene. Now, I coach groups of mothers in what are called Personal Renewal Groups (PRG)and follow the book The Mothers Guide for Self-Renewal by Renee Trudeau. Its so powerful to do this inner work with a group of supportive women and I invite you all to get a book. Enjoy!
Tonja,
I so agree with your statement, “Self-care is so critical and I believe you need it most during the times when you feel least able to take it.” I know that, for me, there is definitely a link to the “perfectionistic gene” that you talked about, and the difficulty in slowing down to take care of ourselves.
I also use Renee Trudeau’s book, “The Mother’s Guide To Self-Renewal” with the moms I coach, and agree that it is powerful stuff. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Karen
Yes, self-care can feel like one more thing on our to-do list. And, yes, none of us likes being told what to do: even when it will be to our benefit.
But self-care can transform your life. No, I’m not just speaking about bubble baths or time away from children and the home. I’m talking about a mindset, a belief that you are a worthy, valuable, lovable human being who is worthy of care, nurturing, compassion, rest, forgiveness, and support: the very same things that you give to your children.
A mom of 4, I played the Mommy martyr card for years: I, too, tried to be that gentle, wise Montessori mom who never raised her voice; who cooked organic food from scratch; who homeschooled and gave her children a magical childhood — oh, while also trying to fit into my skinny jeans, be a good friend, volunteer in my community, and have fabulous sex with my husband.
But my drive only left me exhausted, resentful, and lost. I’ve hung up my superwoman cape. I’ve let go of the need to be perfect. Here are several tips that have helped me:
1. Your work is never done. If you wait to care for yourself or to have fun until the chores are done, you’ll never get there.
2. Your children are resilient. We don’t have to be perfect. In fact, trying to be perfect only teaches our children that they have to be perfect. Trust that your children will be resilient even when you mess up. You don’t have to control everything.
3. Mother from your strengths. Focus on what makes you a great mom. Instead of trying to conform to this vision of an ideal mother that you hold in your head, look at your own personality and family and determine how you can incorporate your strengths into your family life.
4. Self-care is a gift to everyone. What do we teach our children when we neglect our needs? That our needs don’t matter. That motherhood is drudgery. What do we teach them when we honor our needs? That everyone has needs, and that they matter. We teach them how to care for themselves as we care for ourselves.
I started my website, First Ourselves, to transform the lives of women through self-care. It’s my belief that taking care of ourselves serves the highest good of all: especially our children.
I’m also a fan and friend of Noble Mother, and I love Renee’s book. I’m delighted to hear that other women are repeating this message of care and worthiness, and warm to you in sisterhood.
Best,
Karly
Karly-
I love your saying that self-care is a mind-set, a belief that you matter. I think the more of us that are willing to admit that we’ve beaten ourselves up for not living up to idealized images (whether ours or society), the more moms can realize how common it is to devalue who you are and what you bring to the table.
Your site looks like a fabulous resource for moms! What do you find to be the “tipping point” for moms who are stressed to be willing to take care of themselves?
Karen
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