If you’re anything like me (and if you have a strong-willed child, I’m betting we have a few things in common!), this thought has crossed your mind at least once: “Is it my fault my child is so difficult to parent?” A simple request to your child can result in her melting down into a temper tantrum. Too much noise or stimulation can mean excess energy–I’m thinking of my own strong-willed daughter zooming around the house the other night, exclaiming with glee, “I just LOVE the holidays! They give me so much ENERGY!” Yeah. I noticed that, as yet another chair tumbled to the ground.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that wondering if it’s all my fault completely saps me of my energy and motivation to do anything to change. It’s like any air I had in my “energy balloon” is pricked with a big ol’ pin just by thinking that guilt-inducing thought. I used to think I was taking responsibility by asking this question. Instead, I was inadvertantly staying stuck in the problem. Try it. Ask yourself, “Is it my fault my child behaves the way she does?” Then ask yourself a different, more empowering question such as, “What can I do differently that would help my child behave better?” This is a subtle, but oh-so-important question. Never underestimate the power of your questions, whether you’re asking them of yourself or of others.
So many of the moms I work with are hard on themselves. They think that if they were better mothers, they wouldn’t wonder what to say and do when their child misbehaves. The truth is, you can be a great mom and still be at a loss about what to do some of the time. One of the biggest issues that prevents moms from knowing how to successfully parent their strong willed children is that most of the parenting advice “out there” backfires with challenging kids. Seriously. Kids who are challenging are wired differently and they require a different approach. So no, it’s not your fault that your child comes wired with more energy, more persistence, more “will.” As one of my clients just said, “I know those are great qualities for my son to have…I just first have to get him to adulthood!” At the same time, there are several things you can do to make parenting such a child easier, more rewarding, and more effective. In an upcoming post, I’ll outline what those are. For now, make a decision to start the new year off with thoughts that inspire you to positive action. I’ll be sure to join you, and will be here to support you every step of the way.
OMG Karen – you will not believe this, but WHILE I WAS READING THIS my daughter said to me, and I quote:
THIS from a 9-year-old!
I must admit, I’m glad there are several days until the New Year because it’s going to take me at LEAST that long to think some thoughts that inspire me to positive action.
Right now? I’m more inclined to inspire her behind!
Hmmmmmmm…do I detect that sense of humor or yours with the comment, “Right now? I’m more inclined to inspire her behind!”?Amazing timing that she said that to you right as you were reading about that very thing (I swear, kids have uncanny timing!). I think strong-willed children are often out to get our energy and our reactions, and often, one almost-certain way to do that is to accuse us of something or blame us. Not taking the verbal bait is a step in the right direction! So many of us have felt the way you mentioned…you’re in good company! I’m glad you’re hanging out in the Guilt-Free Mom community so we can inspire one another on days when we just can’t muster the inspiration ourselves.
Karen :)