Motherhood and guilt don’t have to go hand in hand. But sometimes they do anyway. When your child’s behavior throws you for a loop, what’s your “default?” If it’s either yelling/threatening or giving in, you’re in good company. Here’s where the guilt comes in. If your “default” means you are behaving in ways that you later regret (or just plain don’t work in the long run), the guilt you feel can be just as bad as your child’s behavior! The reason it’s so important to know this is that disciplining positively begins with you. You can only teach (the true meaning of the word “discipline”) what you are modeling. It begins with you.
It can help to become aware of your default reaction. Notice it. Decide if it’s working for you. Or not. Are there times when you are more likely than not to go into default mode? For me, it’s in the morning, when my girls are getting ready for school. At that time, there is a lot happening, and I know I don’t do well when there’s a lot of noise (moms can get overstimulated too!). My default is to bark orders. One of my clients says her default of giving in happens when she is underslept and beating herself up about her mothering skills.
Awareness is huge. Without it there is no change. But with awareness often comes self-judgment. Used as a stick to beat yourself up with, awareness can also be one more pathway to guilt. Your inner critic may taunt you by whispering sarcastically, “You yelled again. Way to go on modeling appropriate behavior. Ha!” If she does, acknowledge her, thank her for sharing, and take a breath. Know that this is normal. In the midst of becoming aware of what we want to change (whether it’s losing weight or practicing patience), it becomes painfully obvious that we are not yet where we want to be. You won’t be in this place forever. Be kind to yourself and know that you are on the path.
Boy-oh-boy, we DO lump it on, don’t we!? (Guilt, I mean.) Your point is well taken…while our own default response may not be any better than our kids’ default responses (yeah – they have them, too!), that doesn’t mean we need to berate ourselves and lengthen our (probably) already-way-too-long guilt lists.
Better to simply acknowledge what’s going on, as it’s the first step in “catching ourselves” in our own behavior we’d like to change.
When I catch myself acting a fool with my kids (and it happens still…dang it), I remind myself that I am on a path of purposeful parenting, and it’s a LEARNED set of behaviors on my part. There’s no button I can push and instantly become the mother I’d like to be (trust me – I’ve been a mom for 21 years now – if there was a button, I’d have found it by now!), so while I’m constantly un-learning, re-learning and growing, I try to treat myself as I would my best friend if she were struggling with this.
As a single mom, not only am I the loudest voice in my critic choir, I am often my only cheerleader.
Suzanne-
I love that you know how to be your own cheerleader. I can see how being a single mom would mean that you HAVE to act in your own best interests; no one is going to do it for you. Thanks for pointing out that becoming a “purposeful parent” is a “learned set of behaviors.” The question is, can we allow ourselves as moms to learn with grace? Can we minimize the times we rag on ourselves for being in “reation mode,” whatever that means to us? If we wouldn’t rag on our best friend, we certainly deserve the same respect. Great points you make.
Karen