“Do it now! Because I said so!” I vowed I’d never say those words to my own children (Thought I Had As A Child #54: “I’ll never say that stupid thing my mom just said to me to MY kids!”). And while I probably haven’t said those exact words, since they aren’t really my style, I’ve done the many variations on the same theme. You know, “Yes, you DO need to do it now. Now get going. Now. NOW. Stop arguing with me. Do it.” Maybe you’re thinking that I have a problem with parents exerting their authority; I don’t. I am a firm believer in parents being lovingly and FIRMLY in charge. So my beef isn’t with that notion. Nope. Where I think it gets sticky is where parents tell their child to do something, the child doesn’t do it, and the power struggle begins. A power struggle is the beginning of your picking up the rope to begin the game of tug of war. It means you want to win instead of teach.
The tug of war game begins when your child says no or just doesn’t do what you say, and you and she get in a verbal wrestling match (picking up the rope). Words start flying and before you know it, you’re so angry that your authority has been threatened and that your child has been so disrespectful (in either word, deed, or both) that you say and do things you later regret. Maybe you make threats, or yell. Maybe you explain why your child needs to do what you say NOW, and then back them into a corner until you “win.” In this case, “winning” means your child does what you ask. But at what price to the relationship? At what price to your sanity?
Many parents have asked me, “Well, how am I supposed to teach my child that I mean business, even if they don’t want to do what I say? What kind of employer is going to want someone like that around?” The first thing to remember is that you can’t “make” someone do anything: especially anything having to do with going to the bathroom in a certain place, eating, sleeping and other biological functions. You can, however, teach them by modeling and by inspiring them to cooperate. It may sound like a cop-out, like I’m advocating mollycoddling your child and trying to “convince” them to do what you ask. I’m not. I’m saying that power struggles have more to do with real struggles than they do real power. REAL power, authentic power, doesn’t involve threats, guilt-trips, and power plays.
In fact, one of the ways you know you’re in your authentic power with your child is when you are acting more than talking. Talking, explaining, yelling, cajoling in the heat of the moment means you’ve lost your authentic power and you’re using words to try to regain it. Just this morning I found myself in this trap. My youngest daughter asked to stay home from school even though she wasn’t sick. I said no and explained why. She persisted and I kept explaining myself. The more I explained myself, the angrier and more frustrated I became. Soon, I was saying, “STOP it! I mean it!” Here’s the rub. I was angry at her for “making” me explain myself! Of course, when I calmed down I knew she hadn’t “made” me do anything. I picked up the rope to start the game of tug of war when I started explaining myself more than once. This tends to happen with me when I am stressed, tired, and just plain annoyed.
If you’ve ever felt tired of power struggles but haven also wondered how to handle them without being too lenient and just giving in, you’re not alone. Power struggles are like our own personal litmus test for how clear we are about our boundaries and how willing we are to enforce them with action and not words. Power struggles bring up all of our power issues from our own parenting. We tend to parent in the ways we were parented and also in opposition to how we were parented. If your parents were super strict and you felt controlled, you might react by going in the opposite direction with your own children. Or not. The first key is to be aware of your beliefs about power and parenting. The second key is to get clear on how engaging your child in power struggle is causing you pain. Do you regret what you say? Is your relationship suffering? Do you feel guilty that your children do what you say only after you’ve yelled at them five times? Do you call your child names when you’re angry and then feel awful about it?
Power struggles are one of the biggest stressors for parents. They bring out the worst in parents and children. That’s why I am going to be doing a teleseminar on June 1st on how to manage them effectively. This teleseminar will be for moms who are tired of the rope burns they have on their hands from the game of tug of war, and yet who don’t want to be permissive parents. More info is forthcoming..but in the meantime, if you have any questions or topics on power struggles that you want me to cover, I hope you’ll drop me a line.
