There is a secret to preventing tantrums and power struggles that is right under your nose. You see and hear evidence of it every day. Sometimes, the expression of it might cause you to want to scream. Know what it is yet?

Temperament. Every child comes into the world with a certain set of traits. Knowing your child’s natural, inborn style of behavior–how they come biologically “wired”–can help you know what limits to set and how to set them, before there is a problem. In the ’50s, researchers Stella and Chess followed people from infancy to adulthood and identified nine temperamental traits. Since then, other experts, like Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, have used the traits to help parents identify strong-willed or “spirited” children.

Kurcinka’s names for the traits are:  intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perceptiveness, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood. Imagine each trait on a continuum of low, medium, and high. For example, strong-willed children usually rate high on persistence. This means that when you tell them “no,” they say, “yes!” or “why not?” If your strong-willed child also rates high for intensity, that means life at your house can be loud!

So why emphasize temperament? Because our culture still operates with a “one size fits all” mentality when it comes to discipline. Not all children are wired the same way; each child’s “blueprint” is like a secret code for unlocking their potential.  If you know that your child is high in “first reaction, ” meaning she takes awhile to warm up to new people and situations, you can help her with that. And when she’s helped to manage that trait in a healthy way, life is so much easier for everyone. Know your child’s temperamental traits so that you can predict potential trouble spots. Then, you can prepare to handle them successfully.