Love it or hate it, most parents use some form of time-out with their kids. It’s in the popular culture thanks to TV nanny shows. It’s also been touted as the perfect “what-to-do-if-you-don’t-want-t0-spank” parenting technique. In a sense, it’s become the ”one size fits all” answer for what to do when your son yells at you or your daughter refuses to put her dishes away, or both your son and daughter are arguing and won’t stop. My dirty secret? I don’t “do” time out. Relax–I don’t spank! I don’t consider myself a lax parent (and nowhere near a perfect parent), and giving up time out has resulted in fewer power struggles between me and my kids . It’s also help us say goodbye to a lot of the drama that used to ensue in our house. But it wasn’t always this way. I have a long and storied history with time-out…
If there were a school to teach one to be an “expert’ and “devotee” to time-out, I would’ve earned a Ph.D. Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s, I went to graduate school to learn how to help “emotionally disturbed” and “behavior disordered” children. I’ve always been drawn to help people who don’t “fit the mold” (hey, that’d be me!), plus I’m a sucker for some drama. :) But I digress…While in grad school I learned all about conduct disorder, ADHD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, etc. Not only did I learn about what they were and what caused them, but I learned how to deal with them. Once I graduated, I ran a self-contained therapeutic classroom for kids 6-12 that set fires, killed animals, threw furniture, and generally were ticked off at their life circumstances so were aggressive. The number one technique that I was taught to use with them was…yep–time out. There was even a time-out room (with no lock) for kids who were really out-of-control aggressive. Sure, I was taught to use positive reinforcement too, but overall, I managed behavior with time out.
So what was the big deal with using time out? Well, it pretty much led to one power struggle after another. First there was getting the child to the time out location. Often, my assistant and I had to get them there under great, uh, duress (picture a screaming, flailing child trying to hit and pinch their way there). Then there was the issue of keeping the child there. Yet another issue was that I had to keep using it over and over again; it wasn’t working to help “reduce” the offending behaviors. In grad school we were told that if you have to keep using it, it’s not working. It also didn’t teach the child what to do differently.
I also used the traditional time-out techniques with my daughter (my strong willed one, I might add), with similar results. Lots of drama. Lots of power struggles. Lots of tears. I just didn’t feel as though anything was changing for the better. Eventually, I met one of my biggest mentors, Howard Glasser, who taught me an amazing spin on time out when I was trained in his Nurtured Heart Approach (check out his book All Children Flourishing on Amazon). Rather than focusing on time out as a specific place that a child has to go for a predetermined amount of time, you instead focus on time out as a state of mind (sounds kind of woo-woo, doesn’t it?). What this means is that you honor the original intent of time out, which is a temporary withdrawing of your energy and attention, but you don’t drag anyone there and try to keep them there. Howard Glasser calls this “resetting” and it’s powerfully effective. Think of it this way. You know when your computer is having problems and isn’t working correctly you have to reboot it and start over? That’s what a reset it. It’s helping your child reboot her brain, calm herself, and start over. It can take 10 seconds or 10 minutes, and no one has to go anywhere to do it. The key is not giving energy to misbehavior with lectures, threats, talking, etc. No, you don’t let your child be unsafe or aggressive. And this only works if you are providing lots of good energy and attention when all is going well. But the results are nothing short of fabulous. Your child learns to self regulate and to get your energy when they’re behaving appropriately. You learn to “unplug” and not give energy to misbehavior so your child can reboot. Your relationship continues to get stronger.
And you don’t have to put the timer on, “make” your child go to a time out place and “make” them stay there. It’s simple. But not easy. I won’t lie and say it is. But once you become fearless and let go of punishment and the worry that your child is “getting away with it,” you’ll be amazed at how EVERYONE in the family benefits from learning how to reset themselves.
Congrats, Karen! We just tagged your blog for the Beautiful Blogger Award.
http://www.lovingyourchild.com/2010/06/lovingyourchild-beautiful-blogger-award/
Wow! Thank you so much for the nomination! I so appreciate it!
I haven’t used a Time Out in some time, but this makes sense. Thanks for sharing!
I’m a little confused. I get what your saying and think its awesome but I don’t think you covered how to do it. Maybe I missed it since I just dealt with my 2 year old and 4 year old meltdown over a toy. Is it talking to your kids? Is it telling them to leave the room till they feel better? Is it anything that makes them think?
Do you think a almost 3 year old or a just turned 4 year old have the understanding for such a mind of matter tool?
Jessica–
What I’m really advocating is not giving extra energy to misbehavior. If your three year old is melting down over a toy, the kind of time out I am talking about would be 1) stepping in and stopping any dangerous or aggressive behavior since safety is always first and b) helping your child “reset” or calm down. Since discipline means to teach, there is no teaching going on when either parent or child is upset. So in practical terms, you’d practice this “resetting” at a time when there were no problems. In essence, you’d be pretending with your child (“Okay…I am going to pretend to take your toy and you’re going to pretend to get really mad. Then we’re going to practice resetting yourself”). Then you’d teach them how to take three very slow, deep breaths and to relax their body. It’s key to do this when there isn’t a problem so you can give lots of positive feedback and your child really does know what to do (“Great! I see you taking a very deep breath and really taking your time with it. You’re face is looking calmer…). In the heat of the moment, when your child needs a reset you say, “Oops..broke a rule. Reset.” Then you withdraw your attention and energy. You step in if they’re unsafe. But you don’t lecture, or yell, or keep telling them to reset. In effect, a reset is really YOU, the parent, not giving extra energy to your child’s misbehavior other then stepping in and keeping them safe. It’s also about helping them get calm in control again so their thinking brain can take over. By the way, this also gives you a chance to reset yourself (which I know as a mom I need!). When they are calm, and in control of their bodies and emotions, you can then return your energy to them (“Great job of calming yourself. Now it’s time to put the toy away.”) Any kid worth his salt won’t do reset “perfectly” right away. That’s to be expected, and that’s why you practice and give lots of feed back when all is going well. In a way, it’s still a time out because you’re taking your time and energy out of the equation until they are back in control. But it’s not traditional time out where there is a naughty step or a chair. Again, it’s really about you not accidentally rewarding the misbehavior with your attention (and kids think of lectures and yelling and spanking as attention). A really powerful thing to do is to catch yourself feeling stressed or angry and to say to your kids, I am feeling angry and need to do a reset.” Then do three slow, deep, exaggerated breaths and really get calm. Kids learn more from what we DO than what we say.
Hope this helps!