It wasn’t pretty.
In fact, it was downright ugly.
I’m talking about my tantrum. I had a mommy melt-down. I was tired, cranky, overwhelmed. Did I mention stressed? My reasons were many, and overall, I was just on overload. I had too many things I needed AND wanted to do, and not enough time to do them. And I wanted to do them without any interruptions. Without my kids arguing. Without the dogs needing to be let out every 5 minutes. Without anyone needing anything from me. Was this realistic? Of course not. I’m just venting here, keepin’ it real. In case you’re wondering, I did get up early, before my children, and was pretty productive. I even got a lot done while they were at school. But, on that day, there were just too many things vying for my attention, so I snapped.
Instead of asking for what I needed, which was to sequester myself away in my office with my laptop and have my husband be the go-to person for awhile, I ranted. I complained. I said things to my children that were probably guilt-inducing and snide, like, “What about ‘I am finishing this blog post and will be with you in ten minutes’ do you not understand?” and “I can’t do this anymore!”
My lack of self-control scared my kids, as evidenced by my youngest saying, “You’re scaring me, mom. Maybe you need a time-out.” I was scaring myself. It’s not that I thought I was “The World’s Worst Mother” by what I’d just said and done. No, I’ve done far worse than that. It was just that I knew that the pressure was building inside me and that, if left unchecked, I would do worse. What, I don’t know. I don’t spank, and I’m not even a yeller. But my girls are sensitive (oh, ok–so am I), AND I’m a big believer that guilt-trips for kids are a form of emotional abuse. And I didn’t want my tantrum to go any further.
So I did what my daughter suggested and took a time-out. As I lay on my bed, hyperventilating from stress and frustration, I thought about what absolutely needed to get done tonight, and what could wait. I thought about whether my kids had experienced me as fully being present since they had gotten home from school. Nope, they hadn’t. I could see how they were trying to get my energy and relationship by arguing and wanting me to intervene. I also thought about whether or not I had set clear boundaries with my husband and children about when I need to work uninterrupted to build my coaching business. Nope, hadn’t been assertive and clear about that, either. Hmmmm. I noticed that I was starting to breathe more deeply and slowly, and was starting to feel better. Nothing had changed except my overall perspective of the situation. I let myself stay on the bed for another five minutes, relaxing. Then I rentered my family’s world.
At first, my children looked at me warily, as though I were a fragile soul who might shatter at any moment (a mere 20 minutes ago that was true!), so I sat down and told them what was up. “I’m afraid that adults can have temper tantrums, too,” I explained. “We know,” they both remarked. Continuing on, I said, “I felt angry and frustrated that I had a lot of things to do and couldn’t finish them. Next time that happens I’ll take a deep breath and take a break. I will come back calmer and will probably ask for what I want. Let’s try it.” I took another deep breath (just like the ones I took on the bed upstairs), let it out slowly, and glanced at my girls. No longer eyeing me suspiciously, they seemed calmer too. “Okay, here’s what I’d like. I’d like to give you both some of my time where I am just focusing on and enjoying you. AND, I’d also like to work for 30 more minutes without interruptions so I can get my work done. Do you want mom time now or after I work?” In unison they replied, “Afterwards, because you’ll feel better then.” So we shook hands, and made a deal.
I mangaged to finish what I was doing in 20 minutes, without interruptions, because I had been clear on my needs. My children are not angels. They didn’t magically do what I asked simply because I had been clear on my needs. We’ve proactively set some things in motion like how to entertain yourself when you’re bored, what to do when mom leads a teleseminar and can’t be interrupted, etc. But the big learning for me around all of this was that my melt-down had to do with my emotions, needs, and expectations being out of sync. To stop my melt-down in its tracks, I needed to (ironically–since interruptions are what sort of prompted the melt-down in the first place), interrupt my behavior by taking a time-out. By giving myself space to feel my feelings, honor them, and then ask myself what I needed in that moment, I was able to press a big ol’ RESET button in my brain and, essentially, have a do-over.
While I’m not proud of my behavior that day, the modeling that I did afterwards for my children IS something I feel good about. Their tantrums and my tantrums aren’t all that different. By helping myself regain control, I felt better and my kids felt safer. They also learned how to regain control of their behavior, too.
Nobody’s perfect, so it’s not realistic to think that I won’t ever yell or lose my temper or say something I regret. But as for stopping mommy melt-downs in their tracks, well, I think I have some pretty effective tools in my took kit.
What are YOUR tools?
Absolutely loved your story, oh, wise mommy! Isn’t it amazing how tuning into ourselves with conscious awareness opens us up to all kinds of insight and intelligence. Your girls are lucky to have you as their mother. I also was impressed with the wisdom of their response, to choose mommy-time after your work time because you’ll feel better. Wise mommy, wise kiddies!
Thanks so much, Janet! I really appreciate your kind words. I love your phrase, “…how tuning into ourselves with conscious awareness opens us up to all kinds of insight and intelligence…” You know, my girls suprised me with their responses. They seemed so calm and wise beyond their years….What’s that saying, “And a little child shall lead them…”? LOL From getting to coach really amazing women who struggle with perfectionism to getting to mother two aware daughters, I am blessed to be learning and growing!
I take a moment and leave the room or better yet have ‘naughty’ child leave the rm and think of how I want my child to treat their children. Sometimes, when that gets old I think of ways to really get them thinking. Like have them do extra chores with me. I then try to talk to them and work it out thru ‘work.’
Have just come across your blog. This is a very powerful post. Very inspiring for us as mothers to be clear about our expectations and to be aware of our own actions and behavior and how we are perceived by our children. Thank you for sharing!
Karrie–
Yes, I find it helpful to put some space between me and my child so I can ACT instead of react. Thanks for sharing!
Karen
Hey, Alexandra!
So glad you stopped by the blog! It was actually a powerful post for me to write, too. Sometimes we teach what we need to know!
Karen :)
This is something my gal pals and I have talked about on occasion. It can be really stressful and sometimes the family does not realize it until you explode. It IS scary, but I think it is pretty cool your daughter suggested something that was good.
It is also a great example for those who have done the same thing and just did not know how to remedy the situation.
By the way, I work as a virtual assistant of The Healthy Moms ( http://www.thehealthymoms.net ), the site is fairly new and I thought I would drop by some mom related sites to spread the word.