“You suck! You’re a rotten mother!” Think this is the refrain from a mouthy tween to her mom? Think again. It’s from one mom to another on an online message board, and it’s happening all across the internet. Intelligent discourse has taken a back seat to good manners and mom to mom support. I’m not talking about moms sharing their views on parenting and agreeing to disagree. No, I’m talking about moms slamming other moms for their choices–moms shunning other moms in playgroups and chatrooms.
Bullies. They’re not just relegated to the school yard anymore. Nope. Thanks to moms competing with one another in an era of reduced privacy (Facebook, Twitter, message boards and chat rooms) and increased parenting information, being a bully is now an equal opportunity “sport.” With the click of a mouse, a mom who wouldn’t criticize another mom to her face can now post mean comments about that mom and remain somewhat anonymous and protected. Maybe you think the word “bully” is harsh? Here’s the definition from dictionary.com: a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. Wikipedia says that bullying consists of 3 types of abuse: emotional, verbal, and physical. I’d say that describes what some moms are doing to other moms. If one mom perceives that others are “smaller” and “weaker” than she is, or if that mom actually feels smaller and weaker but doesn’t want to admit it, bullying can result.
This issue of mom being mean to other moms and being cyber bullies is such a hot issue that recently, that ABCnews.com just profiled a story on it. The story, called, “Mean Moms: A New Kind Of Bully,” powerfully illustrated how far some moms will go to judge others. In the video (which I highly recommend you watch), there are examples of moms calling moms who don’t breastfeed “copouts” and “uneducated.” Working moms are called “selfish” and co-sleeping moms are called “irresponsible.” Another blog article entitled, “Dealing With The PTA Bully” further underscored this problem. I don’t care WHAT your views on breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or whether or not moms should work outside the home are, BE CIVIL. Have intelligent conversation. I don’t know of any mom that doesn’t have strong feelings about SOME aspect of mothering. Are you a breastfeeding lactivist? Good! Moms need support for that important activity. What moms DON’T need is your judgment if they choose not to breastfeed. Trust me. You probably don’t know their whole story. Maybe they’re on medication for post partum depression. Maybe they didn’t get the relevant support they so desperately needed. Every woman has a unique story in motherhood, and yours doesn’t trump hers. Politely disagree or be quiet.
We need each other. In our weaknesses and in our strengths (and we’ve all got both), we need each other.It’s tough enough to be a mom. It’s human for our mind to judge others. But just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it. Besides, if you really want people to hear your passionate beliefs on spanking, or breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or whatever the issue is, do you really think they’ll listen to your rants about them and think, “Wow. I’m such an idiot. Thanks for pointing that out. Now that you’ve publicly lambasted and spanked me, I’ve seen the errors of my ways and have been born anew. Thank you for making me a changed woman.”
Um, no. Let’s keep our strong convictions and passionate beliefs.
Let’s lose the judgment and the bullying.
Instead, we can strong in sisterhood, supporting each other. Our culture makes it hard enough on moms; other moms don’t need to make mothering even harder.
I remember back in the ’90s there was a hilarious comedy routine that Jeff Foxworthy did called, “You might be a redneck if…”He’d drawl, “You might be a redneck if you mow your grass and find five cars” or “You might be a redneck if you think the stock market has a fence around it.” I started thinking that it’d be great to use this same humorous “You might be a….” formula and apply it to guilt-ridden moms. Not that mother guilt is anything to laugh about. But then again, looking at the lighter side of an issue and laughing can help me feel less weird about it. So maybe it will help you! , Here are a few of my “You Might Be A Guilt-Ridden Mom If” statements. See if you can relate to any of them. And please add your own–I’d love to hear from you!