Expectations

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Why I Like To Make Major Changes All At Once

Posted by: Karen | Comments (3)

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

While I may not know how to solve problems like ending world hunger or creating world peace, one thing I DO know is that I tend to make major changes all at once. This may not seem like the sanest strategy around (sometimes it’s really not!), since it can wreak havoc on your sanity and your relationships. Nonetheless, it’s been my pattern. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I experienced a lot of changes in my childhood (five elementary schools in six years). Or perhaps I love me some drama (I’ve been accused of that more than once). At the very least, I think it has a LOT to do with two things: motivation and momentum.

Let me start with the biggest change I have going on right now: moving to California. Before the move can take place, we need to sell our home. So that we could sell our home, we invested time and money in stripping wall paper, repainting, and other necessities. Because the housing market is, shall we say, less than stellar, we knew our patience would be tried. We just didn’t know how long it’d be tried (so far it’s been 6 months). So, we continue to keep our house super clean so a real estate agent can show it on a moment’s notice. We’re not moving until we sell our home, and we don’t know when that will be. So yes, we’re moving, but we don’t know when. We’re in an interesting place: limbo. We know that, in a heartbeat, someone will buy our home and we’ll be in for a whole lot of work as we move two states away. So this change is like one gigantic transition. For someone who likes to know how things will turn out, let’s just say I’m being tested!

Another major change is that I’ve made the committment to get healthy. It’s long bothered me that I struggle with my weight. As a mom of two girls, I didn’t like what I was modeling for them: sugar addiction and being overweight. I also had some fears of my health failing and not being around to see them grow up. I don’t know what finally clicked with me (since goodness knows I’ve had this monkey on my back and have been fretting about it for years), but something did, and I decided that I was D-O-N-E being overweight. And “done” is really the best word for it. I’m done. Finished. Through. So far, I’ve lost 25 pounds and have been working out on the eliptical machine at least 4 times per week (sometimes more). What’s really weird, but in a good sort of way, is that even though I am often stressed with all the changes in my life and sometimes think about eating cookies or cake to pacify myself, I know in my bones that I’m not going to do it. I am committed to being healthy, feeling better, looking better, and modeling healthy behaviors for my girls. What’s really weird is that my moving out of state prompted me to think about my life in new ways. I started asking myself questions like, “Moving back to California has been a dream of mine for a long time…hmmm..what else has been a dream of mine? What else can I do that would help me really live on purpose?” It didn’t take long for me to figure out that moving to a new state and city is a chance to start over. I love fresh beginnings! Being closer to family and in a sunny climate needed to be a part of my “True North” experiences: those things that I just knew in my heart I needed to do. Losing weight and getting healthy seemed to go right along with them.

Which leads me to my last big change: my business. When I made the switch from being a teacher to a parent coach five years ago, I knew I was on track (the way you “just know” in your heart about many things) to begin my next step. I’m so glad I did that because I am passionate about supporting moms. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing: helping moms get unstressed and overwhelmed, overcome guilt, and enjoy life. However, over the years, I’ve gotten clearer on a few things. First, while one on one coaching is very powerful, it can’t be the only thing I offer. Not everyone is ready for that level of intimacy. Plus, I can only work with so many one on one clients at a time. Second, the teacher in me wants needs to come out to play. I love sharing information and helping people learn new ideas and strategies, especially in a group. Third, the work I do with moms is so important to me that I want it to be more far-reaching. So, to honor this clarity and to keep living my life on purpose, I am changing how I offer what I do. This means that I will lead more teleclasses and groups. It means I’ll blog more frequently. It means I’ll be starting a BlogTalkRadio show. It really means streamlining and simplifying. You may notice that my blog has changed (it’s still a work in progress right now so pardon the dust). The header’s gone. There aren’t so many things on the home page vying for your attention (you have enough going on in your own life vying for your attention, right?!). I have a new audio an Quick Start Guide on “How To Get Your Kids To Listen And Do What You Say” because when I polled my subscribers, they said that along with parenting a strong-willed child, this was a major hot button for them. I’ll still be offering one on one coaching but will change how I do it a bit. I even have a new Coaching Club I’ll be starting up (more on that in the future).

In the meantime, I’m doing what I usually do, which is making several changes at once. Yeah, sometimes I get pretty overwhelmed and want to run away to the Bahamas. However, I’m also excited about the life I’m creating. I don’t always know what’s coming next, but then again, did I ever really? Every pound I lose or every workout I do inspires me to keep the faith about my house selling and about all the changes I’m making in my business. I’m scared, excited, nervous and overwhelmed.

I’m also pretty darned grateful to be on this path of creating the life I’ve been wanting but have been too afraid to do anything about. And so I continue to act in spite of the fear, because woven into the fear is the excitement of possibility.

Change is like that, don’t you think?

Categories : Uncategorized

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How To Zig-Zag Your Way Through Mom Guilt

Posted by: Karen | Comments (1)

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted to be her own boss. She didn’t want people telling her what to do and how to do it, AND she liked the idea of getting to create something from scratch that came from deep within (being a child she didn’t know the word “soul”, but if she had, she’d have used it). She didn’t know it at the time, but she wanted to be an entrepreneur. In case you hadn’t guessed, this little girl is me. After many years of working for other people, I did it. I started my own business and became an entrepreneur. There was one small, teeny tiny detail that affected my biz, one that I hadn’t thought about back when I was a daydreaming little girl.

And that detail is: I am a mother. (Okay. So maybe that isn’t such a teeny tiny detail).

The place where my parenting and my business meet isn’t always pretty. It’s complicated. I think life is complicated, which is to say unless you live in a bubble, you probably have a lot going on in your lfe. It doesn’t always look the same from day to day. Working from home, running your own business, and trying to have some semblance of your own version of “balance”, isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I don’t believe in the elusive idea of “balance.” Nope. That idea is big GUILT BUTTON for so many of us. What I DO believe in is finding YOUR version of equilibrium, that place where you come back to your center again and are able to act, rather than react. Stay with me, here. I’m not getting into “coach-y” jargon. I’m keepin’ it real by saying two things:

Combining your own business with motherhood takes work, perseverance, and a lot of energy (doesn’t anything worthwhile?).
If you are to have a life where you’re not yelling at the microwave (or dog) because of the stress of trying to “balance” these two HUGE parts of your life, you MUST be willing to give up the idea of “balance.” Every mom has her version of what it means to “recalibrate” (I actually prefer that term) and return to HER center. Not the “center” of the mompreneur on Twitter or Facebook who seems to “have it all together” (little do you know!). Not your best friend’s version of “center.” Your version of it.

Let’s say, for example, that you are trying to get through your morning with your kids so that they can go to school, and you can settle into work. If you were to focus on “balance,” you might look at the generic (but nonetheless good) idea of having a set morning routine that takes (you hope) a set amount of time. This structure could help you focus on your priorities (your kids, and then, your biz), and guide your actions. All good stuff. But one kink in the routine and you can quickly become “imbalanced.” If your child melts down because she doesn’t like to wear her “itchy socks,” that could take, oh, maybe an extra 20 minutes to get through the morning. She’s crying and complaining about the socks. Maybe you’re trying to stay calm and fix it, and find yourself losing your temper. Your child is ramping up the crying and not wanting to leave the house. You have things you need to do, AND your child is in danger of being late to school (again).

Gone is the balance. Chaos reigns supreme. But it doesn’t have to be this way, if you can swap out the word “balance” with something more forgiving and achievable , like “recalibrate” or “equilibrium.” Maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, crazy lady…thanks for the word games. But how’s this supposed to help me when my kid is melting down about socks and I need both of us to keep moving?” It’s true, I AM talking a change in words because words affect how we feel. Balance is a static state where everything is “even.” How often do you feel like everything is “even” in your life? We’re constantly right-adjusting to stay on whatever our “right course” is, and this is rarely a linear path!

So, back to the socks. When “bad socks happen to good people,” YOU recalibrate to YOUR center. Take a breath (or three). Change your stressed state. Decide on what you will do in that moment. Maybe you take the socks and the shoes and head to the car. Maybe you tell your child she’s free to go to school with socks and shoes on her feet or in a paper bag. The point is you get back to YOUR center and then ACT. If you act before you get centered, you REACT, which often makes the situation worse. That’s why you “recalibrate.”

Maybe you’re a mom who can identify with the idea of “balance” and feel supported by it. If so, great! If, however, the notion of “balance” is a guilt button for you, then don’t use it! Find a word or idea that can honor the zigzagginess of your REAL life!

Categories : Try On A New Thought

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Oh, No! It’s Official! I’ve Become My Mother!

Posted by: Karen | Comments (7)

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

I don’t know about you, but I grew up with a big list o’ things I would NEVER say to MY kids. Of course, these were things my mom said to me when I was a kid, things I didn’t like. It’s not that my mom wasn’t amazing in many areas. Nobody had a more playful, humorous outlook on life than my mom. Plus, I’d give anything to have her alive, here with me again. That said, there were definitely some parts of her parenting I didn’t want to replicate.

When I was in college studying Psychology (and analyzing all the things my parents did wrong!), my long list o’things grew even longer. You can only imagine what happened to my list when I was in graduate school, studying “childhood behavior disorders”! Every thing my mom said in anger or to provoke guilt was magnified by all of my research and reading. Once I began teaching inner city kids who were “behavior disordered” or “emotionally disturbed” I was very clear on what kind of mom I would someday be. I was equally clear on what kind of mom I would NOT be (cue laughter—maniacal, hysterical laughter).

Funny how life works, eh? The more we run away from something instead of confronting it head-on, the more it chases us and velcros itself to us. At least, that’s how it’s been with me. And so it’s been with my parenting. “I’ll never do that” becomes fodder for guilt because a)the word “never” is a sure set-up for failure and b)I’m reacting to how I was parented rather than being proactive about how I will parent. Let me share some of the items on my “I’ll Never…” list (that I started as a kid):

I’ll never say sarcastically, “Keep it up, missy! I guess you LIKE going to bed early!”
I’ll never cry and ask, “Why can’t you do what I ask? Why? Is it so hard?”
I’ll never say, “You’re so sensitive. We have to walk on eggshells around you.”
I’ll never say, “You’re the messy one, and your sister is the neat one.”
I’ll never say, “You think you have it so hard! Poor you! Give me a break!”

Now that I am a parent of two girls, I can say that I haven’t actually said those particular things to my girls. My resolve to not say certain things that my mother said has held true. So why do I feel I’ve become my mother? I think it’s that my mom was an introverted, sensitive, easily overwhelmed, creative person—and so am I. As a child, she wasn’t affirmed for who she was: sensitive, intuitive, etc. (in fact, quite the opposite was true–she had a horrific childhood). Consequently, as an adult, she didn’t accept and affirm herself. She didn’t like the fact that she was easily overwhelmed or sensitive; it made life (and especially mothering) harder. So I can only imagine how difficult it must’ve been for her to have a daughter who mirrored those exact qualities.

In essence, I’ve” become my mother” in that there are aspects of me that are easily overwhelmed , where I struggle with sensitivity and where I can become reactive to my kids. In an effort NOT to say ”those” things to my kids, I’ve REACTED by sometimes not setting limits where I need to. For example, rather than shaming or blaming my kids by saying, “Keep it up” sarcastically, I’ve been a martyr that has “let” them continue doing something, because I was so afraid of saying something my mom said. Neither shaming/blaming nor being a martyr is being a healthy, proactive parent. Dang.

So what’s a mom to do?

Recognize that your own parents could only parent you with the tools they had available at the time. My mom wasn’t given many tools to be a healthy parent, so I KNOW she wasn’t withholding them from me (she didn’t have them in her took kit to give).
Recognize the parts of your parents that you DO appreciate. My mom’s sense of humor is something I still cherish, long after she’s passed away. I can even look back and see how that humor helped my childhood be better than it otherwise could’ve been.
Accept that all parents are “perfectly imperfect.” As one of my friends likes to joke, “Honey, you might as well be saving for college AND therapy for your kids, because it’s just not possible for kids to love and accept all that their parents say and do.” If you have a need to be liked, this may be extra hard for you.
Focus on the strengths you DO bring to motherhood. This can be tricky for many moms. It can be helpful to think of a time in your life when all was going well, when you were at their best. What were you saying, doing, being? What qualities/strengths did you use during this time? For example, getting through graduate school was one of the most difficult and rewarding times in my life. I definitely used my sense of humor, my willingness to persevere, my ability to dream big about my future, as well as other strengths, to thrive (not just survive) during this time. Motherhood is so much easier when we lead with our strengths.
Focus on the kind of adult you hope to raise (e.g., kind, persevering, etc.) and let your intention guide your actions. This is NOT to say that you won’t fall short of your vision. We all “lose it” and say and do things we regret. So it’s not about “I’ll never say and do THAT” but rather “Here’s what I intend to say and do now so that I increase the odds of raising my child to be a great adult.” Motherhood is hard enough and there are enough people out there ready and willing to judge you–YOU don’t need to do it to yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Did you have your “I’ll NEVER…” list about being a mom? Did you promise to yourself that you’d never feed your kids sugary cereal and now buy Froot Loops every week? What parts of your parents do you see in yourself? Have you embraced them? What helps YOU be an intentional mom?

Categories : Relationships Are First and Most Important

Comments (7)

Archive for expectations

Why I Like To Make Major Changes All At Once

How To Zig-Zag Your Way Through Mom Guilt

Oh, No! It’s Official! I’ve Become My Mother!

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