Expectations - Part 3

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Five Things I Won’t Be Doing in The New Year

Posted by: Karen | Comments (6)

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

picresized_1262262027_newyearcalpage While I can get as excited as anyone about all the wild, wonderful possibilities that exist within the expanse of a New Year, I also don’t want to jump right into the positive goals/resolutions thing that seems to be everywhere right now. Oh, I’ll be jumping on that bandwagon soon, but right now, I really need to be brutally honest with myself about what I WON’T be doing. What I’ve learned about myself is that I need to get really clear when I first figure out what isn’t working for me and layin’ it out there. THEN I am ready to “go there” about what I DO want. So here goes:

I won’t be dieting. Let me be clear that I want to lose weight and feel healthy and energetic. BUT…I won’t be doing anything that focuses on calorie restriction or making certain foods “bad” (this is hard for me because I have strong feelings about organic, vegan foods). I’ve been down that road, and found it to be a dead-end that has no new scenery (and it doesn’t take me anywhere no matter how many times I’ve been down it–and I HAVE been down it). So what will I do instead? Not entirely sure. But I do know that it will have something to do with intuitive eating and moving my body more.
I won’t be clamoring to “get organized” in ways that my born-organized friends do. I can learn from them and incorporate pieces of what they do. But seriously. I’ve got to start honoring my (piling) style. No, I don’t want to keep the piles. But the reason I pile is that I’m visual. So I want to honor that. My born organized friends can file things away and then find them. Me, not so much. So while I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing to get organized, I DO know I won’t be doing what I think I “should” be doing. Make sense? Organized, for me, may look different than what I or others think it “should” look like. This is actually true for me about parenting, and, well, life in general. No more imitating and praying for the same results as someone else. I don’t want to divulge how many organizing books I have on my shelves!
I won’t be perfecting my “persona” at the expense of being authentic. Building an online business, it’s too easy for me to hide behind my brand “The Guilt Free Mom” and speak only from the expert, professional standpoint. In the past, the tone of my newsletters and e-mails has been rather impersonal and distanced. I still believe in being relevant to my readers and clients–I just want to do so with more transparency and intimacy. In short, I want to connect, but in a more intimate way.
I won’t be giving up coffee. I love the stuff. My two cups of day may go down to one, but that’s it. One of the nutritional gurus I adore, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, makes a compelling case for not needing stimulants to start the day, or get through it. I so agree with him on that point (and everything else he espouses). But here’s the deal. I already have a love/hate affair with sugar and with eating while stressed. I’m willing to address those issues, but for the time being, the coffee stays. For now.
I won’t be aspiring to be the perfect mom. One of my strengths and downfalls is that I am an idealist. This is great when it comes to coaching moms and helping them see the best in themselves. However, it’s not so great when it comes to idealizing what I should be doing as a mother (there’s that “should” word again). Yeah, I know the merits of chore charts (I should–I’ve started and stopped several of them), of organic, whole food for my children (no Cheez-Its for dinner?!), of limiting juice drinks (empty calories), of setting them up for a healthy adulthood and setting me up for a guilt-free old age. But even though I’ve tended to get excited by the idea of being this intentional, near- perfect mom (I can so see her in my head!), I also get 1) overwhelmed and 2) stuck in guilt and perfectionism. So this year, I won’t even aspire towards being The Perfect Mom. In her place will be….me. Of course, I won’t let the kids eat nothing but junk food and do whatever they want–but I’m not going to start the year beating myself up about an ideal that I’ll never reach.

So there they are. My declarations of “I won’ts.” The coach in me is clamoring to ask myself, “Okay, now we know what you don’t want. So, what do you want?” But for now, I’m going to let myself bask in the clarity of what I don’t want and what I won’t do.

Because it feels like self-acceptance.

And that’s a good place to start for 2010, or anytime.

Categories : Invite Yourself To A New Vision

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3 Simple Tips For A Stress-Free, Guilt-Free Holiday

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

As a mother, do you look forward to the holiday season? Or does it induce visions of tantrumming children, pouting relatives, and an ever-growing to-do list? You’d be in good company if you felt both excited and stressed. No matter what holiday you celebrate, here are a few tips to keep you from wanting to throw in the towel and running away to the North Pole:

1. Keep your expectations in check, and get clear on what you want. What would a stress-free, guilt-free holiday look like for YOU? Never mind what your friends, neighbors, or even relatives want. If you were to have the holiday season unfold in a way that was just the way you want it, what would that look like? For me, it means minimal parties, lots of little traditions that don’t cost much (like reading holiday stories with my kids), enjoying the music of the season, and at least 20 minutes of alone time every day (Did you just snort with laughter at the thought of daily alone time ever happening? Hey, even ten minutes makes a difference, so at least try to sneak away to your bedroom for some peace and quiet!). For one of my friends, however, keeping stress at bay means being around lots of people; it’s how she gets energized. Even though she’s not big on traditions (they went to the beach in Mexico for the holidays one year), she loves to bake and deliver the goodies to people, volunteer at a shelter, and hold elaborate holiday dinner parties. Just thinking about her schedule makes me tired! The key is to be clear on what a stress-free holiday experience looks like to you. Once you know what you need to stay out of melt-down mode you can create holiday experiences that match who you are. If you feel guilty for focusing on what you need to avoid stress because it somehow seems selfish, remember that your kids need a calm mama with healthy boundaries more than any other holiday experience! If mama ain’t happy….
As a family, talk about what each person loves about the holidays and wants to be sure to include. See? You can let go of any guilt you’re feeling because you are now proactively thinking about your family members’ needs, as well as your own! At the beginning of the holiday season, ask each person what experiences they love most about the holidays. With young kids, you may have to ask the question a few different times, in a few different ways, to get beyond the answer, “Getting presents!” It can be helpful to write down everyone’s responses on a piece of paper (or better yet, poster board) so everyone’s input is taken into consideration. Note which family members are more introverted and like their downtime; they might be easily over-stimulated with too many parties. Also note whose answers seem like they crave being with others; they’ll need this outside stimulation to be their best. You might be surprised at how you can avoid melt-downs just by being clear on a)what holiday experiences each family member values most, and b)how much down-time each person needs to ward off stress.
Practice the power of gratitude and appreciation by keeping a gratitude list. There’s just nothing like taking stock of all the good that’s already present in your life to give you that much-needed energy to enjoy the holidays. For example, as I was driving to meet a client today, I started thinking about all the thank you cards and gifts I wanted to send to various people. Immediately, I felt overwhelmed. But then I had another thought: “How amazing that I have this ‘problem’ of sending out thank yous; it means I have awesome people in my life that have touched it in some way and I want to be sure to thank them.” All of a sudden, I saw myself as blessed. I was proud that I could turn the thought around and see the good in the situation. I’ll definintely be writing about this on my gratitude list tonight! By the way, I’m not disciplined enough to keep a “gratitude journal.” However, by calling it a “list” I take the pressure off myself to write a ton. This doesn’t have to be hard in order to be effective!

Really, one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your family is to focus on what really matters to you during this holiday season. Let go of activities or traditions that stress you out, and keep the ones that bring meaning and joy to your life. In the end, all we really have are our memories, so go create some peaceful, stress-free and guilt-free ones!

Categories : Invite Yourself To A New Vision

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Mompreneurs And Pink Elephants: Telling The Truth About Our Struggles

Posted by: Karen | Comments (4)

Monday, October 19th, 2009

I’ve been interested in talking about those “pink elephants in the living room” (you know, the stuff that people don’t want to talk about but you KNOW is there) since I was a kid. It’s no surprise then that one of my favorite childhood stories was The Emperor’s New Clothes. It thrilled me when, in that story, one brave little child had the audacity to shout out, “The Emperor is naked!” And the truth is, children are truth-tellers from birth, until it is socialized out of them. When I taught school, I remember first graders looking at me lovingly and proclaiming, “Mrs. B., your hair looks greasy today. Did you wake up late? I love you!” No malice meant. The child was just saying what was real for her in that moment.

Of course, discretion is a good thing, and another skill that children (and some adults) need to learn. Still, I am in awe of those people in our culture that tell the truth as they see it, often going against the grain. As someone who cares what others think, often too much, I aspire to be more of a “truth-teller” and to be real.

Being “real” nowadays can mean not just having your ego show up (and try only to present your best light), but letting others see your weaknesses as well as your strengths. It can also mean having really bad boundaries, as in the case of some reality TV shows (Do we really need to know all about Jon and Kate?). What I’m talking about is NOT about sharing gory details that are basically “TMI” (“Too Much Information). There has to be a context, or a reason for sharing.

So where I’m going with this is that I am on a mission to be more real about my mompreneur journey. And…I am also on a mission to help other mompreneurs ditch the guilt about telling the truth about their struggles. Take a look at a beautiful mompreneur website, and take in the stunning graphics, the headshot that showcases a beautifully made-up person. It’s easy to take the next step and 1)compare ourselves to that person, 2)come up short, and 3)tell ourselves a story about how that person is wildly successful and probably NEVER yells at her kids or rushes through a bedtime story so she can have a moment to herself (or work on her business!). Enter toxic guilt, the kind that whispers critical secrets in your ear such as, “See? YOU don’t have this mompreneur thing down like SHE does.”

I know that, for me, it can feel risky and downright scary to admit to people on my blog that I have struggles. What if they find out that I have piles of crap on my desk and I haven’t made the time to volunteer in my kids’ classes because I feel pulled in a million of directions? Will these blog readers still think I’m competent and professional enough? I think the key for me is to share enough to be real, so other mompreneurs can relate and know they’re not alone. We don’t share our truths just so we can “purge” ourselves of guilt . No, we do it because being real about the good, the bad, and the ugly frees up our much-needed energy to do what we’re here on earth to do, and it gives others permission to be real, too. Successful mompreneurs (however you define “successful”) aren’t that way because they “have it all together” all of the time. They’re successful because:

They are real with themselves where they struggle (and where they rock)
They realize they’re not alone in their struggles
They are willing to get help from a “Tribe” who understands their challenges and can support them

I’m excited to be embarking on a “Truth Telling” Project in the upcoming weeks. I’ll be interviewing different mompreneurs on how their two worlds (being a parent and being a business mom) often collide. Each will share secrets about areas she’s struggled AND will share what’s helped her succeed. We all deserve to know we’re not alone and that many of us even share some the same struggles!

I say, “Bring on the ‘pink elephants’!” Let’s talk about them, get them out in the open, and free up our energy to do the things that really matter to us (for me that’s raising great kids, a strong marriage and having a successful business). The curious thing is, the more we acknowledge and talk about them, the less hold they have over us.

The truth shall set us free, AND help us band together in being authentically human and perfectly imperfect. I hope you’ll join us in letting your “pink elephants” come and play with ours!

Categories : Self-Care

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Archive for expectations

Five Things I Won’t Be Doing in The New Year

3 Simple Tips For A Stress-Free, Guilt-Free Holiday

Mompreneurs And Pink Elephants: Telling The Truth About Our Struggles

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