Motherhood has been under close scrutiny for years. There are no shortage of opinions on what makes a “good mother”.  If you don’t believe me, ask a few of your friends and your in-laws, read a few mom blogs, and throw a few TV shows in for good measure. What do you end up with? A hodge-podge of different ideas on how to be a ”good mom”, based on the values of whom you’re asking and what their world view happens to be.

TV shows such as “Wife Swap” routinely depict two moms with polar opposite styles, views, and ways of mothering. If you had to decide who was the better mom: the pagan motorcyle mama who believes too many rules are “bad” and that families are all about having fun, or the conservative Christian mama who believes strictness, rules, and structure are what’s most important, whom would you pick? Is it “cheating” to believe that a combination of the two moms’ best qualities would somehow be healthier than the two extremes by themselves? Or is that just a total cop-out?

As a mom myself, a blogger of mom issues, and a parenting coach, I wholeheartedly embrace the idea of “good” mothering, though I much prefer the term “effective mothering.”  Raising children to be caring, ethical adults who contribute to the good of society is no small feat, and in a culture that runs on adrenaline and materialism, it is made even more difficult. But it’s not impossible. It does require that you are clear on what really, really matters to you as a mom. Here’s the beginning of my list of what an effective mom is (feel free to add to or disagree with any of these):

1. Meet your children’s basic needs for food, shelter, attachment, emotional and physical safety so that they grow up with a sense of trust.
2. Be clear on what morals matter to you and to society and have a way of teaching your children these morals (e.g., don’t kill people, don’t steal, tell the truth, contribute to the greater good, etc.).
3. Develop a conscience in your children by promoting empathy and sensitivity towards self and others.
4. Teach the value of work  so that your children don’t have an attitude of “entitlement,”as though the world owes them a living, happiness, or anything else.
5. Model, on a regular basis, how to set healthy boundaries with others. Children who grow up knowing where they end and others start respect themselves and others.
6. Every day, if possible, find some way to connect with your children in a deep way that says, “I see you. You matter to me.”  Making the committment to look into your child’s eyes and connect (even if they roll their eyes!) on a regular basis shows them that they matter. And children who know they matter at home have an easier time finding healthy ways to matter away from home.

This list is just a start. As you can see, the above items leave a lot of room for personality style and other differences.  Instead of saying (‘a la Wife Swap style), “Good moms always go to church and cut coupons” or “Good moms are free of religion and let their kids run free”–both of which are artificial dichotomies anyway– we instead can look at the bigger picture of what we know helps to raise healthy, effective adults.

I can already think of other things to add. Can you? Do you disagree with any of these items? What about my distinction between a “good” mom and an “effective” mom? I’d love to hear from you.