All moms are liars. Okay, maybe not all. But most are. Especially the ones who talk smack about other mothers. You know the ones who sneer, “Did you SEE her child freaking out in the park? Hellllooo! Has she ever heard of “discipline? What she needs to do is get control!” That kind of judgment usually means two things. First, it means that this mom is probably afraid of her child doing exactly the same thing. Second, it means that she probably judges herself as harshly as she does other mothers. So maybe this mother didn’t outright lie and say, “I never have those problems.” But in a way she implied it. And whomever she was with at the time also heard the unsaid-but- implicit message that being real about motherhood wouldn’t be easy around THIS mom.
Why can’t we just admit to ourselves and other moms that this mothering thing can be HARD? It’s also wonderful. And magical. And deeply fulfilling (sometimes, but not when it involves severe sleep deprivation or poop or tweens wanting to pierce body parts). But it’s still difficult. I am so lucky that I get to be privvy to moms’ deepest fears about themselves and their kids. I get to hear over and over again many moms’ small, whispery voice that admits, “I feel like such a bad mom…” And what I want to do right at this exact moment is say, “Honey, we all do. Some of us are just willing to admit it.” There. I said it. This mom gig is hard and I mess up regularly. So what?
Motherhood has become a dangerous, competitive sport; unfortunately, the deepest injuries come from moms comparing themselves to others and having unrealistic expectations for themselves and their kids. Everybody thinks everybody else “has it all together.” None of us does. We’re all doing the best we can and are somewhere along the continuum of “everything is falling apart and I want to give up ” to “I am modern-day Martha Stewart and June Cleaver who has a Ph.D and is more fit and thin than before I had kids.” That leaves a whole lotta space in between, people.
So where do I fit on this continuum? I will admit that there are days when I feel like a rotten mother, and days where I feel like a pretty great mother. Sometimes I feel rotten and great on the same day. That’s pretty normal for motherhood, wouldn’t you say? I say it’s time for us to give other mothers the gift of honesty. By being real about this mothering thing, you give other mothers permission to do the same.
Honest.
No lie.
Know anyone who doesn’t want a happy family? Books and other resources abound about how to have one. There is a lot of misinformation out there that encourages parents to feel guilty about NOT having the perfect, happy, healthy family. Who on earth can do all the books and websites describe? Is it even necessary? Here are some of the myths about having a happy family that I think do parents a huge disservice by keeping them mired in guilt: