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Help Your Kids Take Responsibility For A Great Summer

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)
Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Sometimes, the thought of a summer stretched before you with your kids home can make you wonder how on earth you’ll keep your kids busy.  You’ve probably heard the phrase, “I’m booooored…What can I do?” more than once. When I was growing up (no, I didn’t walk ten miles in the snow to go to school–it was San Diego!), if we were bored, our parents said to us “Bored people are boring” and “Good. I have some chores you can do.”  We learned to be un-bored very quickly. Funny how that worked! When confronted with cleaning or yard work, we suddenly found more compelling things to do.

What probably made it easier for my parents is that there weren’t so many cool electronics vying for our attention back then. We couldn’t say, “Can’t I just play the Wii?” or just hang out for hours texting friends. Sure, there was television, and we watched plenty of it. But we also spent a lot of time outdoors, bulding forts, playing simple games like hopscotch and hide and go seek. Sometimes, our parents said, “Go outside and stay there until it’s dinner time. You need some fresh air.” And we did.   Of course, when your child is bored, he or she may also try to engage you in power struggles to keep things interesting. Don’t take the bait! It takes time for kids to learn to sit with their boredom and tap into self-directed activities.

So my proposition to you is to get a little old fashioned with your kids and help them take responsibility for creating their own great summer. Sure, it’s fun to have family adventures and activities planned, but those don’t happen everyday. Managing boredom teaches your child to dig deeply within, to think their own thoughts, to be resourceful.  You’d be surprised (and pleasantly, I might add) what your children do when you answer the “I’m bored” refrain with, “Mmmmmmmm…interesting…What are you going to do about that?”

Still wondering on how you can jumpstart your kids’ creativity and imagination once their bored? I found a site with ten really cool ideas on handling boredom  written expressly for kids. Here are the first three tips:

10 Your parents’ calendars fill up fast . Clue them into what you most want to do this summer. Trips, museums, zoos, and other outings may need planning and can be expensive. You stand a better chance if you tip them off ahead of time.

9 Boring or exciting? Make a prediction about your summer and be prepared with the proof. Start a scrapbook or a journal and record every nitty-gritty detail as evidence.

8 Start a Know-It-All Club with your friends. Become experts on bugs, gardening, rocks, Indians, cooking, or whatever! Check out books and videos from the library. Make T-shirts and a secret handshake. Plan a Know-It-All party and teach your parents a thing or two!

To see the rest of the tips, go to http://www.buddyproject.org/jfy/kids/articles/summer.asp. Take the pressure off yourself to entertain your kids. They’ll actually be better for it, and so will you! Happy Summer!

 

Categories : Invite Yourself To A New Vision
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How To Have The Best Guilt-Filled Summer Ever!

Posted by: Karen | Comments (2)
Monday, June 14th, 2010

Warning: This post contains extreme sarcasm. Do not read if you would be shocked that someone who professes to being a professional parent coach and champion supporter of moms everywhere (not to mention a great maker of tender, flaky pie crust) would be so bold as to publish such a snarky post. Read at your own risk!

It’s summer time, and the livin’ is easy! Really!  With three long months stretched out before you, you, too, can have a guilt-filled summer with your kids! All you have to do is follow these easy steps. Ready?

  1. Don’t plan on any time alone this summer. Whatever you do, don’t pay for babysitting, trade with friends or relatives or do whatecver you can to get regular downtime. We wouldn’t want you to have a break where you can think your own thoughts without having to hear sibling squabbles or make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This is such an important step for having a summer full of mom guilt that it’s the number one tip–so pay attention! No matter what, do NOT get any time alone on a regular basis. Follow this recommendation and you’ll be snapping at the kids (and counting down the days till  school starts) in no time!
  2. Don’t expect your kids to contribute to the household in any way, shape or form. That way, you can be stretched to the max, and they can grow up to feel entitled to have others do everything for them. Besides,  by NOT expecting your kids to help you, you’ll have less time for yourself (you know how temptations are; better to avoid them at all costs!).  An additional benefit is that when your kids are older and married, you can feel even MORE guilt that they expect others to pick up their dirty underwear and put their dirty dishes away. Their sp0uses can roll their eyes at you and curse you for not having raised people who are responsible.  Bonus!
  3. Don’t have any structure or schedule at all. It’s summer! Throw any semblance of a schedule out the window! Let the kids sleep till whenever. But not you–you need to set the alarm to have a hot breakfast on the table before your darlings even flutter their eyelids open. And by “hot breakfast” I’m NOT talking about toasted poptarts ! If you need ideas for delicious, nutritious, homemade breakfasts, Martha Stewart has plenty. And no fair cheating. If you make french toast , you need to make sure you make if from bread you’ve made yourself. If you’re going to cheat, use store-bought eggs, rather than ones from your hens.
  4. Don’t monitor screen use. At all.  They want to use the Wii all day? Let ‘em! Texting during dinner? Sure! Playing video games for hours on end? Why not?! TV and computers were made to be used all day, every day, all summer long. Just because you were stuck with an Etch-A-Sketch (oops–you’re probably not as old as I am and don’t even know what one of those is!),  don’t thwart your children’s desire to stay plugged in.  Really, I don’t have to tell you this, do I? The more your kids aren’t using their imaginations, playing outdoors, interacting with people in an actual 3-D reality, the less impulsive they’ll be and the better they’ll be able to regulate their behavior. That doesn’t sound like something that would contribute to mom guilt, now does it? Just don’t use their screen time as alone time for you, what EVER you do!
  5. Don’t plan ahead to what kind of summer you and your family would like to have.  Definitely don’t sit down and ask each person what they’d like to do for fun this summer. If you slip and do this, you’ll be opening a can of worms, trust me. Your kids will probably say things like “go to Disneyland” and “buy me any toy I want.”  No, far better to just let each day unfold however it does. That way, the summer will end and you can all look back and say, “Glad THAT’S over.” Make your mottoe, “Just Get Through It.” Survival, baby. No thriving here.  No use having your kids make some good memories of playing outside, going swimming, participating in the summer reading challenge at the library or learning how to cook. Also, we wouldn’t want YOU to plan ahead to what would help YOU enjoy summer, now would we? Being proactive and feeling mom guilt don’t go together very well. Remember that.

So, are you ready to take the plunge into a guilt-filled summer? I realize that these five tips are pretty overwhelming and require a lot of energy from you, but anything worth doing is worth doing well! If you find yourself struggling to implement all of them, at the very least do tip #1: don’t plan on any alone time this summer. This is the single most important thing you can do to ensure that you are filled with guilt.

Happy (guilt-filled) summer!

Categories : Prevent Misbehavior
Comments (2)

But WHY Does This Guilt Make My Butt Look Fat?

Posted by: Karen | Comments (7)
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

In a previous post, I talked about how mom guilt is now talked about as though it’s just something moms have to go through as part of the induction and membership into the club of  motherhood. Now, I am a champion supporter of moms, and if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I specialize in helping moms who feel stuck in guilt, get the heck OUT.

One of my core messages to moms is: It doesn’t have to be that way. Mom guilt does not have to be a part of your life.

 I’m a mom, and I know that the culture we live in doesn’t make it any easier for us tap into what really matters. The message of the parenting culture screams, “Look ‘out there’ to see where the answers are to how you’re doing. Read this book. Watch this show. Look at what that mom is doing and do it.” Since we’re busy, it’s easy to listen to the culture; after all, we live in it. Oh, and let’s not forget the fast pace of our culture–the culture would have us be so busy that we don’t have time to slow down.In case my semi-ranting makes you wonder,  I’m not “anti-culture.” I AM pro-truth. And the truth is…..the culture doesn’t always have your best interests at heart.

There’s a yin and a yang to everything, which means that there’s some good in the larger culture. In my mom’s generation, moms often didn’t talk as freely about what scared them, stressed them, angered them, confused them. They didn’t have books and websites to help them realize that what they were experiencing was “normal.” They were just expected to “buck up” and “deal with it.” I’m grateful that our current culture is one where moms can be real about what’s keeping them awake at night so they can support one another. And, when we’re clear on who we are, what strengths we bring to the table, and what kind of kids we want to raise, parenting resources can be quite helpful. But nowadays, there is so MUCH for moms to pay attention to in order to parent “well” it can make your head spin.

 Or your gut wrench.

 Or inspire guilt about “doing it wrong.”

So the reasons why I think mom guilt makes your butt look fat are:

  • There’s a ton of parenting info out there on how to tame tantrums, how to get your child to sleep, how to do pretty much anything you want to do as a mom. But here’s the rub. Most of it conflicts. “Always practice co-sleeping so you bond with your child and she’ll grow up confident.” “Never sleep with your child! That raises a child that’s dependent on you, plus it’s dangerous.”
  • We’re not clear on how we or our child are “wired,” our temperament. This is a biggie. If you’re extroverted and crave being around people, and your child is introverted and craves staying at home playing by herself, you may feel frustrated that your needs conflict with your child’s. Or, you may wonder if your child is too shy and if something is wrong with her. Do not understimate this idea of “goodness of fit” (the interplay of your and your child’s temperament) and how it can make parenting harder.
  • We’re not clear on how we fill back up when our energy is depleted, OR we feel guilty about taking the time to fill back up (see “busy culture” rant at top of post!). Or, we think we “should” love going out for margaritas with our girlfriends as a way to refuel, when really, we’d rather curl up with a good book, and pet the cat.
  • We compare our insides with other mom’s outsides. See that mom over there? You know, the one with the perfect hair and clothes, whose kids are impeccably dressed and her car doesn’t have old food crumbs in it? It’s easy to look at her, compare yourself and think, “Ugh. I’m not like that. I feel so guilty…” The truth is you don’t know what’s going on inside that mom. She has her own demons she’s wrestling with, trust me.
  • We haven’t created our own personal “filter” for what parenting info to let in and what to let go of. If we feel guilty, chances are good that our filter’s holes are too big and not selective enough.

I’m glad that mom guilt is popular enough to be talked about in the mainstream culture because moms deserve relief. But I FIRMLY believe that it is a lie, a HUGE lie, that motherhood and guilt just have to go together because “that’s just the way it is.”

You can find your core, create your own filter, and live guilt-free.

And enjoy parenting.

And that’s the truth.

 

 

Categories : Invite Yourself To A New Vision
Comments (7)
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