People ask me all the time why I would call my business and my website “The Guilt Free Mom” when guilt is such a natural part of our lives. We all live with it, so is it really possible to be absolutely, 100% guilt-free?
Excellent question. It all depends on how you define guilt. There have been several helpful books on the market dealing with motherhood and guilt (Mommy Guilt, I Was A Really Great Mom Before I Had Kids, Motherhood Without Guilt, among others). One thread that runs throughout such books is that moms often have impossible expectations of themselves. The mythical, “perfect mommy” is a caricature that lives on in the media, and in our heads (okay, maybe not your head–but often in mine). While my mom’s generation had Dr. Spock to look to for advice, my generation has TV shows, websites, books, and advice from friends and family to “help.” This means that now you can compare yourself to (and receive advice from) moms in chat rooms, moms on message boards, moms who write the parenting books, and any and all moms!
Really, the up side is that there is more support than ever “out there” for moms. Freaked out about your child’s rash? Wondering what to do with your picky eater? Your search engine awaits, eager to spit back at you hundreds of answers. But what do you do with the answers that don’t “jibe” with you? Do you run them through your personal filter (like your value system, your strengths, your intution)? If you don’t, you’re likely to bump up against mom guilt.
It’s helpful to make the distinction between two kinds of guilt: toxic guilt and healthy guilt. Toxic guilt whispers in your ear, “You don’t measure up. Just look at what THAT mom is doing. Too bad you’re not like that.” It also talks to you in absolute terms that impart no hope: “You always yell when you’re angry. Keep it up and your child will never learn how to behave appropriately.” Heathy guilt, by contrast, is like an inner GPS that can lead you to your “True North.” This is, among other things, your conscience nudging you to make a different choice, to learn from your mistakes. One says, “You suck.” The other says, “Oops. Missed the mark. Try again.”
So yes. I do think there can be a guilt-free mom: one who’s free of toxic guilt. By learning to tap into your strengths, build on what’s working, tailor your parenting strategies to your personality style and your child’s needs you can steer clear of the kind of guilt that causes you to stay stuck. You know how plaque lines artery walls and prevents healthy blood flow? Well, toxic guilt is like that. It lines your heart and mind and prevents the healthy flow of life. Healthy guilt, which is your inner GPS to make a change, can stay. But say adios to toxic guilt.
If you’re anything like me (and if you have a strong-willed child, I’m betting we have a few things in common!), this thought has crossed your mind at least once: “Is it my fault my child is so difficult to parent?” A simple request to your child can result in her melting down into a temper tantrum. Too much noise or stimulation can mean excess energy–I’m thinking of my own strong-willed daughter zooming around the house the other night, exclaiming with glee, “I just LOVE the holidays! They give me so much ENERGY!” Yeah. I noticed that, as yet another chair tumbled to the ground.
