Mistakes

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Moms Who Spank–Is It You?

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

Spanking is a hot topic. It’s just about as divisive as where your kids sleep, what you do when they DON’T, how you handle tantrums and power struggles and other parenting dilemmas. Unlike when I was a kid (waaaaay back in the 1970′s), spanking is not something that parents “just do” anymore. (By the way, it’s obvious I’ve been honing my manipulation skills for many years, as I have a distinct memory of my mom spanking me at age 8 and my crying out plaintively to her, “If it makes you feel better to hurt me, then do it.” She ran out of the room crying, and didn’t spank me again). No, the parenting and political climates have changed, which means that the public perception of spanking has changed too. Oh, I know of a few moms who still spank, but most don’t.

Except for they really do. They just don’t spank their children. They spank themselves, and they do it emotionally and psychically (they also do it to one another in the form of mom bullying; click here to read my previous post about that). Seriously. Moms rip themselves apart by comparing themselves to other moms, by constantly focusing on their weaknesses and coming up short, by telling themselves messages that they’re bad moms. Here are some ways moms spank themselves (most of these I know from personal experience):

Thinking, “I shouldn’t need parenting support. MY parents didn’t. What’s wrong with me?”
Wondering, on a daily or hourly basis, “Am I doing this right?” or “If I get this wrong, I really suck.”
Reviewing the day and mentally recounting all the mistakes they made.
Believing that “maternal instinct” means always liking your child.
Putting off self-care until a crisis hits because they believe it’s selfish and a waste of time that they really don’t have.
Comparing their “insides” with other moms’ “outsides.”

If you don’t spank your child, why do you spank yourself? Moms who spank (and I am not among them and do not encourage my clients to use spanking) often say they do it because it’s the only thing that gets their child’s attention. Haven’t you gotten your own attention yet? Better yet, isn’t there another way to get yourself to pay attention to what’s important so you can make changes? No need to “spank” yourself for having negative, self-depracating thoughts; that’d be a vicious cycle! Instead of spanking, try this:

Notice when you’re starting to feel bad about yourself as a mother. What were you thinking about just then?
Keep track mentally (or by writing down) of the negative thoughts you hold about your mothering.
Question these thoughts. Believe it or not, the mere act of questioning your mind is often enough to jolt you out of the habit of simply believing what you think.
Accept that you have parenting beliefs and behaviors that you want to change, and that you’re not alone; we all do.
For every part of yourself you’re tempted to “spank,” require yourself to remember a part of yourself that you appreciate.
Be kind to yourself when you go on autopilot and judge yourself harshly. It’s like helping your child learn a new skill; you’re doing the same.

My passionate views on supporting moms don’t mean I am a “let-it-all-hang-out-baby-anything-goes” coach. If you’re doing something that’s harming your child, stop. Not every behavior we do is okay, and yes, often we need to recalibrate and make new choices. But the same goes for you. If you’re doing something that’s harming YOU, like mentally and emotionally spanking yourself several times per day, stop. You (and your children) don’t learn by being in toxic shame.

The world needs moms who value themselves so they can teach others to value them. It all starts with modeling it for others.

Stop spanking yourself and don’t let others do it to you, either.

Categories : Self-Care

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“Just Say No” To These Three Enemies Of Successfully Parenting Your Difficult Child

Posted by: Karen | Comments (2)

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Are you old enough to remember the “Just Say NO” campaign from the Reagan era? Whether or not it was successful in reducing drug abuse is debatable. That said, I think it’s like the ”Just Do It” slogan from Nike in its assertiveness. It implies action. Now.

In the spirit of helping you to take action that will make your job as a parent easier, I am going to point out three parenting behaviors that, if you stop doing them, you will get better results. So, here are my three enemies of successfully parenting parenting your difficult child:

1. Enemy #1: Believing that all you need is the perfect consequence and your child will behave better. Hey, it’d be nice if this one were true, but it’s not. And believing it is can cause you a lot of grief. Most of the time, “consequences” equate with “punishment” (at least in many people’s minds). The idea that if you make your child’s life so miserable when he acts up that he won’t want to do it again just ain’t true. Your child may learn to fear you or be more deviant and sneaky about how he pushes your buttons. But he will NOT learn to behave appropriately with just the perfect consequence. Don’t get me wrong. Consequences are a necessary part of teaching your child right from wrong. But they are one tool in your tool kit: not the only one, and and not the one you start with.

2. Living In The Past. Otherwise known as being so frustrated, angry and otherwise unhappy with your child that you can’t or won’t move on. It’s also about seeing your child through his past mistakes. Parenting isn’t for sissies, and parenting a difficult child can be extremely, well, difficult. The more intense, deviant, frustrating and over-the-top your child’s behavior has been in the past, the easier it is to hold onto your anger and frustration about it. Unfortunately, this keeps you stuck in responding in ways that don’t work. Like yelling. Or nagging. Or reminding. Or being impatient with the smallest misbehavior. All we have is the present moment. Seize it and be willing to notice what’s working well in that moment. You and your child deserve several “do-overs” throughout the day, moment by moment.

3. Not Taking A Warrior-Like Stand in Parenting Your Child. This means staying committed to your role in bringing out the best in your child, even when you mostly see her worst. Even when you feel like other parents are watching you mess up. Even when you love your child but don’t like her. This warrior stand isn’t about tolerating bad behavior. Quite the opposite, actually. It’s really about taking a stand that you are the most important person in your child’s life and will not give up on her. Period. On days when you feel like you want to (and most of us feel that way), call a friend or your parent coach, or post to an online support group. But whatever you do, stay an advocate for your child.

Categories : Prevent Misbehavior

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Do You Make These Discipline Mistakes?

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

picresized_1231336848_angrydad1 Let’s be real for a minute: parenting is hard work. Whether your child is strong-willed or mild-mannered (I have one of each!), you have to work at intentionally instilling your values and teaching right from wrong. But you can work smarter, not harder, by avoiding these discipline mistakes:

1. Talking Too Much. Lecturing. Explaining. Nagging. If you’re clear about your expectations and rules up front, you shouldn’t need to explain yourself endlessly. In fact, doing so gives your child time, attention and relationship at the wrong time, AND takes away their opportunity to learn for themselves. For example, say that your son asks for a snack close to dinner time. The rule is that snacks are allowed up to 45 minutes before dinner. After you ask your son, “What is the rule about that?” and he tells you (or you clearly restate), resist the urge to talk about it. Pay attention to something else, and whatever you do, don’t take any verbal bait.

2. Taking The Verbal Bait Children Dangle In Front Of You. This is also known as taking what your child says personally. After you or your son restate the rule (see above), your son may try to “get your goat” by saying, “Why???I’m hungry!’ or “Just this once…c’mon!” or “Why are you always so mean to me?” Your mission, and I HOPE you accept it, is to remain calm (thereby remaining in your power) and say nothing. Nada. Zippo. If your son ups the ante and calls you a name or behaves aggressively, it’s time for him to do a “re-set” (a brief time-out in the same room so he can regain control, get NO energy and attention until he’s back in control and behaving appropriately). Not taking the bait means not responding to the content of what your son is saying (“What do you MEAN I’m always mean to you? Was it ‘mean ‘when I bought you those expensive shoes you wanted?”). It also means paying attention to the little voice in your head that might be saying, “He can’t get away with this–and if I don’t talk to him about this right now, he WILL be getting away with it!”

3. Mis-Using Time Out. Time out can be an effective tool for teaching children how to calm themselves and regain control. Since children want your time, energy, attention and relationship more than anything else, they will do what works in order to get it. This includes behaving badly: sometimes, very badly. When misused, time out becomes so commonplace that kids tune it out. “Go to time out” means nothing if your child hears it several times a day. Save it for the big stuff. Decide ahead of time what the rules are so kids are clear on when time-outs happen. And be sure to have some other tools in your tool kit so you aren’t over-relying on any one tool to do the job of many.

4. Giving more time and attention when your child misbehaves. Let’s face it. Our whole culture is set up to focus on what’s not working. The news is about the trauma and the drama. The problem with this approach in disciplining is that it gives time, attention and relationship to your child (which is a good thing) at the wrong time (a not-s0-good thing). If your child can make your face red and your voice louder when she misbehaves, she learns a very important lesson: you are very animated and attentive when she’s misbehaving. Children, especially challenging children, are masters at detecting how to get our energy. If you aren’t MORE animated when your child is behaving well and following rules than when she isn’t, expect to see more misbehavior. Look for moments throughout the day when your child ISN’T breaking a rule, and get animated with her about it!

5. Not Making Clear Requests. If you ask your son, “Will you pick up your socks?” he may answer, “No.” If you ask your daughter, “Do you mind cleaning your room?” you’re opening yourself up to hear a “yes.” If you bark orders at your child by saying, “Clean your room NOW!” be prepared for a possible power struggle. Make it easier on yourself by starting your requests with two magic phrases: “I need you to….” and “Now it’s time to…” You up the odds that your child do what you asked, AND you model being calm and assertive. The more challenging your child is, the more clear you need to be with how you make requests.

A guilt-free way to use the above list is to note which ones you do well and which ones you want to work on. Then, pick one area, and practice it. Be sure to notice when you did it well! And come back here to share with us. Personally, I’ll be practicing the “making clear requests” one. Tune back in to see how I do!