If you’re anything like me (and if you have a strong-willed child, I’m betting we have a few things in common!), this thought has crossed your mind at least once: “Is it my fault my child is so difficult to parent?” A simple request to your child can result in her melting down into a temper tantrum. Too much noise or stimulation can mean excess energy–I’m thinking of my own strong-willed daughter zooming around the house the other night, exclaiming with glee, “I just LOVE the holidays! They give me so much ENERGY!” Yeah. I noticed that, as yet another chair tumbled to the ground.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that wondering if it’s all my fault completely saps me of my energy and motivation to do anything to change. It’s like any air I had in my “energy balloon” is pricked with a big ol’ pin just by thinking that guilt-inducing thought. I used to think I was taking responsibility by asking this question. Instead, I was inadvertantly staying stuck in the problem. Try it. Ask yourself, “Is it my fault my child behaves the way she does?” Then ask yourself a different, more empowering question such as, “What can I do differently that would help my child behave better?” This is a subtle, but oh-so-important question. Never underestimate the power of your questions, whether you’re asking them of yourself or of others.
So many of the moms I work with are hard on themselves. They think that if they were better mothers, they wouldn’t wonder what to say and do when their child misbehaves. The truth is, you can be a great mom and still be at a loss about what to do some of the time. One of the biggest issues that prevents moms from knowing how to successfully parent their strong willed children is that most of the parenting advice “out there” backfires with challenging kids. Seriously. Kids who are challenging are wired differently and they require a different approach. So no, it’s not your fault that your child comes wired with more energy, more persistence, more “will.” As one of my clients just said, “I know those are great qualities for my son to have…I just first have to get him to adulthood!” At the same time, there are several things you can do to make parenting such a child easier, more rewarding, and more effective. In an upcoming post, I’ll outline what those are. For now, make a decision to start the new year off with thoughts that inspire you to positive action. I’ll be sure to join you, and will be here to support you every step of the way.
Ironically, there *is* a sort of perfection in letting go of the perfect response. What’s perfect about it is how much energy it frees up to just be real in the moment. I am a mom who is often patient, kind, loving. I am also a mom who can be cranky and impatient. I make mistakes. I learn from them. I go forward. Can you kiss perfect goodbye? Not with an angry, “get out of my life” kiss – like the kiss of death. Instead, draw it to you in warm embrace, thank it for all it has taught you, and let it know you may see it from time to time. And then say goodbye. It’s a farewell ritual that I do daily.