At the beginning of a new year, it’s always inspiring to read about ways to set and reach your goals. There’s just something about fresh beginnings that can inspire you to action.  HOWEVER, I find that, sometimes, a little bit of humor, a touch of sarcasm, and a whole lotta truth can also inspire me. In that vein, here is my list of five things every mom should do if she wants to feel really bad about herself as a mother (and yes, they’re mostly tongue-in-cheek). I’m not promising that every one will work for you;  I will guarantee, though, that almost all of them will. Let’s begin, shall we?

1. Compare yourself  to other mothers, and be sure to do so frequently. This is especially helpful if you pick moms whose personality styles are massively different than yours. For example, say you are very emotionally sensitive and introverted.  Be SURE to compare yourself to a mom who is outgoing and more focused on results than emotions. I know, I know—I’m stereotyping here, and maybe that’s not fair. But the point’s not lost, is it? If you were to actually realize that we’re all wired differently and bring different strengths (and weaknesses) to the table, well, that wouldn’t help you feel bad NEARLY as much as ignoring those facts.

2. Take to heart any and all criticisms of your parenting without filtering them through your own value system. Say a friend of yours whose company you enjoy from time to time tells you that she thinks your child’s bad behavior is because of,  well, YOU. She goes on to say that your child would behave much better and be less of an embarrassment in public if only you would set limits in a certain way. If you want to be sure to feel bad, believe what she says, hook, line and sinker. Do NOT ask yourself questions such as, “Does she have my best interests at heart or is this more about her?” and “Do I even respect the way my friend parents her children?” “Do we value the same things in raising our kids?” Whatever you do, do NOT examine whether your personality styles are similar or different (see #1, above).

3. Feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It’s REALLY effective if you decide up front that your life is just too crazy, too busy and your kids are just too demanding for you to take any time for yourself. Also, be sure to be a perfectionist about this whole self-care thing. If you do manage to get ten minutes to yourself to check your e-mail and have a cup of coffee, be sure to discount it because it wasn’t a trip to the spa, complete with a massage and People magazine. Don’t be clear with your spouse or partner that you need some alone time, either; after all, do you really need it? Isn’t it just a luxury? Yes, deciding self-care’s a luxury will really help you feel bad.

4. Only look at what you have yet to do, instead of what you’ve already accomplished. This tip is perfect for the new year. While you’re taking stock of your life, don’t focus on what you’ve done well, because doing so will motivate you and give you energy to move forward. It’s much more effective to berate yourself for all the tasks left undone. Painted the kitchen and remodeled the downstairs bathroom? Don’t rest on your laurels! Ask yourself, “Why can’t I be more like my friend Susie? She painted and remodeled AND homeschools her children!” Be sure to always focus on what you still need to do, and not where you’ve been and what you’ve done.

5. Do NOT have a sense of humor about yourself, parenting, or life, in general. If you WERE to find parts of your life funny, you’d also find yourself cutting yourself some slack, and perhaps even realizing that, most of the time, you’re truly doing the best you can. We can’t have that, can we? No, no. Be serious. Very serious. There is no margin for error in parenting; it’s serious business. If you find yourself laughing at how you made a mistake, quickly self-correct by stopping the laugher and smiling, and replacing them with negative self-jugments. You’ll feel lousy in no time!