Strong-willed Kids

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The Art of the Request: Increasing the Odds That Your Child Will Do What You Say

Posted by: Karen | Comments (2)

Monday, July 12th, 2010

Somewhere there is a mom shaking her head and lamenting to her child, “How many times have I told you to…..?” Don’t you sometimes wish your child It’s frustrating when you tell your child to do something and they ignore you. Here are some quick tips on how to increase the odds that your child will comply with your request.

Make sure you have your child’s full attention. If you’re in another part of the house, go to where your child is or have her come to you. Then, make eye contact.
Put a period on the end of your sentence rather than a question mark. If your child is strongwilled or “spirited” he may find the implied loophole in the question, “Would you set the table for me?” Instead of asking a question, make an assertive statement such as, “Now it’s time to set the table.”
Make sure your voice is assertive. You can sound like you mean it without being too intense. This can be hard, though, when you are used to your child pushing the boundaries and not complying with requests. However, an assertive tone of voice conveys to your child that you are calmly, capably in control of your emotions. This helps them to feel safe AND it ups the odds that they’ll comply because (in my humble opinion!) kids are looking to you to be confidently in charge. Even though they don’t say, “Gee, mom..thanks for staying calm and in control of your emotions and being so clear with me. I really appreciate it because, developmentally, it helps me feel safe,” they still need you to be calmly assertive.
Make sure you are asking something of your child that he/she can do. Don’t laugh, but as a new mom I once asked my two year old to put all her toys away! There were a TON of toys everywhere, not just one or two (she was a first child, you know, so had lots of toys), and I actually said to her, “Katie, can you put all your toys in your room for mommy?” She promptly put two away and was “finished,” which for a two year old meant she stopped putting toys away and tantrummed when I insisted she finish. Of course, I accidentally instigated this issue because I had unrealistic expectations of what a two year old could reasonably do.
After you make the request, pause. It’s important to give your child time to comply. I’m not talking a full minute, but at least 10-15 seconds is good. This lets your request “sink in,” which for distractible kids could be helpful.
Guide your child to comply. The younger the child, the more this works well. If you’ve told your four year old that it’s time to put toys away and after 10-15 seconds she isn’t yet doing it, go over to where she is and stay with her until she complies. I’m not talking about getting into a power struggle about it by arguing, cajoling or yelling. Rather, I’m talking about being a firm presence. Restate your expectations and stay right with them. If your child is older and refuses to comply, stay calm (which can be challenging when you feel your authority has been threatened) and use consequences to do the teaching.
Remember to provide positive feedback when your child DOES do what you say, especially the first time you ask. Kids get “energized” by our attention, so why not give it when all is going well? Specific, relevant feedback helps grow the very behavior you want to see more of (“Katie, I just asked you to clear the table and even though I could tell you didn’t want to, you still did it right away. Way to go for showing responsibility!”). Even though you may feel as though your child should just do what’s expected without any positive feedback, experiment with noticing him when he DOES comply.
Remember that we ALL make mistakes. Some kids truly ARE harder to parent than others, and their behavior can be more challenging. Such challenging behavior doesn’t lend itself to our wanting to give them warm fuzzies for doing what they’re already supposed to do. But they are the ones who need it the most.

Categories : Prevent Misbehavior

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“You Can’t Tell Me What To Do!” Parenting Your Strong Willed Child.

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

Imagine waking up dreading your day with your child. You love her, but you’re tired of the battles, and the day has only begun. Not only does she fight you on getting out of bed, but she continues the battles with almost everything else: her “scratchy” clothes, the “wrong” cup at breakfast, not wanting to head to the bus stop on time. You wonder if other moms’ children push the limits as much as yours. You also wonder when you’re ever going to like your child as much as you love her. Of course, wondering this brings up mom guilt, as it’s not fun to think about not liking your child. After all…what pregnant mom daydreams about the day when she and her soon-to-be born child will be locked into power struggles over what cup to use at breakfast?

Have you ever wondered if your child is strong willed or spirited? A lot of people use the term “strong willed” synonymously with “won’t do what I say.” While having a child refuse to do what you say is frustrating (okay, maddening, too), it’s also a normal part of childhood development. Kids learn by pushing the limits and seeing if they still hold (or not). That said, some kids do this more often and with more intensity. They also may be more persistent (in the most frustrating ways possible!), more sensitive, more energetic and just MORE. If you have a child like this, than you most likely resonate with the word “more”!

Having a child that chronically pushes the limits with great intensity is one of the most stressful parts of parenting (and one of the most tiring). For many moms, it pushes them right into “Guilt Land” (and boy, do I have a passport to that country!). I can say that I am not responsible for my child’s behavior, as long as I am doing my best to teach her right from wrong, but when some finger-wagging stranger intones, “Why can’t you control your child!” all that intellectualizing goes out the window.

If you’ve ever wondered how to know whether your child is strong willed or not, or if you already know he is but don’t know how to parent him effectively, I’ve created something that can help. I know from first hand experience, both personally and professionally, that children who are strong willed don’t respond well to traditional parenting techniques; in fact, such techniques (such as time out) often backfire. I’m pretty sure that your child’s behavior isn’t as serious as those inner city kids I taught who were labeled “Seriously Behaviorally Disordered.” I mean, your child likely isn’t setting fires, hurting animals, etc. But if your child is constantly arguing, negotiating, complaining, dawdling, refusing to do what you say, and generally requires a lot more of your energy than you currently feel you have, you may want to check the new product I created. It’s an audio, a transcript of the audio (in case you’re visual like I am), and a resource-packed Action Guide to help you start parent easier right away.

You can check it out here at www.parentyourstrongwilledchild.com.

Categories : Announcements

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Get This Book To Make Parenting Easier!

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Monday, May 11th, 2009

picresized_1242026612_droppedimage I’m a big fan of anything that makes parenting easier (well, almost anything–it has to be within my integrity!). That’s why I’m so excited about Barbara Probst’s book, When The Labels Don’t Fit: A New Approach To Raising A Challenging Child. Blessedly this is NOT just another book on how to discipline your child. Instead, it outlines a postive, more energizing way of looking at your child’s temperament, and a refreshing one at that.

While the idea of temperament has been around for a long time, it hasn’t always been used to identify children’s strengths. In fact, most experts focus on what’s wrong with the child. Not so with this book.

Instead, the author helps parents identify their child’s specific traits and temperament so they can devise a plan to help their child succeed. Rather than just saying to parents, “Your child is strong-willed, so just do X, Y, And Z,” Probst helps parents to tease out the traits inherent in a label such as ”strong willed” and then make changes in their thinking, speaking, and environment that play to their child’s strengths, and help them learn to manage the areas in which they struggle. What is particularly powerful about this book is that it’s approach is not “pollyanna.” The author doesn’t pretend that many children have issues with ADHD, conduct disorder, etc. Instead, she chooses to view the child as a whole human being, and looks at both what comes easily and what doesn’t for him/her. It’s a balanced approach that leaves the parents with concrete tips and suggestions for different traits, and helps parents have more energy and hope to parent well.

I interviewed the author, Barbara Probst, and what really came through in the interview was her intense committment to helping parents look beyond labels so that they could see their child with new eyes. This new way of seeing opens up a large, untapped area of support for parents. Listen to the interview here, and be sure to share your comments!