Are you old enough to remember the “Just Say NO” campaign from the Reagan era? Whether or not it was successful in reducing drug abuse is debatable. That said, I think it’s like the ”Just Do It” slogan from Nike in its assertiveness. It implies action. Now.
In the spirit of helping you to take action that will make your job as a parent easier, I am going to point out three parenting behaviors that, if you stop doing them, you will get better results. So, here are my three enemies of successfully parenting parenting your difficult child:
1. Enemy #1: Believing that all you need is the perfect consequence and your child will behave better. Hey, it’d be nice if this one were true, but it’s not. And believing it is can cause you a lot of grief. Most of the time, “consequences” equate with “punishment” (at least in many people’s minds). The idea that if you make your child’s life so miserable when he acts up that he won’t want to do it again just ain’t true. Your child may learn to fear you or be more deviant and sneaky about how he pushes your buttons. But he will NOT learn to behave appropriately with just the perfect consequence. Don’t get me wrong. Consequences are a necessary part of teaching your child right from wrong. But they are one tool in your tool kit: not the only one, and and not the one you start with.
2. Living In The Past. Otherwise known as being so frustrated, angry and otherwise unhappy with your child that you can’t or won’t move on. It’s also about seeing your child through his past mistakes. Parenting isn’t for sissies, and parenting a difficult child can be extremely, well, difficult. The more intense, deviant, frustrating and over-the-top your child’s behavior has been in the past, the easier it is to hold onto your anger and frustration about it. Unfortunately, this keeps you stuck in responding in ways that don’t work. Like yelling. Or nagging. Or reminding. Or being impatient with the smallest misbehavior. All we have is the present moment. Seize it and be willing to notice what’s working well in that moment. You and your child deserve several “do-overs” throughout the day, moment by moment.
3. Not Taking A Warrior-Like Stand in Parenting Your Child. This means staying committed to your role in bringing out the best in your child, even when you mostly see her worst. Even when you feel like other parents are watching you mess up. Even when you love your child but don’t like her. This warrior stand isn’t about tolerating bad behavior. Quite the opposite, actually. It’s really about taking a stand that you are the most important person in your child’s life and will not give up on her. Period. On days when you feel like you want to (and most of us feel that way), call a friend or your parent coach, or post to an online support group. But whatever you do, stay an advocate for your child.
If you’re anything like me (and if you have a strong-willed child, I’m betting we have a few things in common!), this thought has crossed your mind at least once: “Is it my fault my child is so difficult to parent?” A simple request to your child can result in her melting down into a temper tantrum. Too much noise or stimulation can mean excess energy–I’m thinking of my own strong-willed daughter zooming around the house the other night, exclaiming with glee, “I just LOVE the holidays! They give me so much ENERGY!” Yeah. I noticed that, as yet another chair tumbled to the ground.
