Temper Tantrums

Archive for temper tantrums

When Your Child (Temporarily) Hates You

Posted by: Karen | Comments (7)

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

“You’re mean! You don’t care that you’re ruining my life! I don’t wanna move!” This is my eight year old daughter’s common refrain these days. Sigh. I don’t blame her for her intense feelings (though it wouldn’t hurt MY feelings if she could express them just a little differently!). Transitions are hard, and moving is right up there with life’s top stressful events. Especially moving two states away. I know from first-hand experience. As a kid, I went to six elementary schools in six years, plus I had to go between two divorced parents’ houses. My inner child wants to convince my daughter that SHE doesn’t have it so bad because at least HER parents are happily married. Thankfully, the adult in me knows better than to do that.

Instead, I do what I wish MY parents would’ve done with ME. I attempt to validate her feelings. I say things like, “This is hard for you. You really wish it were different and that we were staying here.” She retorts, “Stop it! I don’t want to hear that! Don’t tell me how I feel!” Okay….so the direct approach isn’t working. Perhaps the indirect approach will. I surreptiously (or so I think) search Amazon for children’s books on moving. My daughter sees me about to order a few and says, “Those might make YOU feel better, but they won’t work for me. I don’t want them.” Another sigh.

My next thought is to look at how to provide stability for her now, even in the midst of getting ready to move. So, my husband and I make a pact NOT to discuss the move in front of her, especially when it comes to major uncertainties like what house we’ll be renting, in what school district, etc. This seems to help calm things around the Bierdeman home. A little. Except for I notice that she seems anxious and angry about the smallest things. Like her sister wanting to read one of her books. Or her dad asking if her is she wants him to read to her. “NO!” is her standard response, followed by tears. This isn’t always the case; there are plenty of times when she is happily playing, reading, riding her bike. But always, there is an undercurrent of sadness and anger in this sweet girl. And it is sometimes gut-wrenching.

From a professional distance, I know that her temperament plays a big part in her reaction. She is slow to warm to new people and to transitions. She is intense emotionally and energetically. Her mood is often unpredictable. This little girl is the most amazing human being–so creative, so loving, so bright, so fiery, so passionate, so sensitive . She is not an easy child to parent–and I attribute a lot of that to my being wired similarly to her. But I am not parenting from a professional standpoint. I am parenting with my heart, and it’s aching for my child. Not in a way that makes me unable to function. No, this is one of those very primal aches that mothers everywhere get when they know they can’t “fix it” for their child because there are just some things that are life lessons.

Ouch.

My plan, which is really more of a set of intentions than anything else, is to remain aware of my daughter’s feelings and to be present to her throughout them. I’ll continue to set healthy limits and to provide as much structure as possible, knowing that this process is still stressful for her and for all of us. I’ll be aware of my tendency to want her sad and angry feelings to go away so I can feel like a better mom. Isn’t a (reasonably) healthy family the perfect place to practice how to navigate life’s changes? I think so.

And this too shall pass.

Categories : Relationships Are First and Most Important

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Power Struggles: The Ultimate Game Of Tug O’ War

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

“Do it now! Because I said so!” I vowed I’d never say those words to my own children (Thought I Had As A Child #54: “I’ll never say that stupid thing my mom just said to me to MY kids!”). And while I probably haven’t said those exact words, since they aren’t really my style, I’ve done the many variations on the same theme. You know, “Yes, you DO need to do it now. Now get going. Now. NOW. Stop arguing with me. Do it.” Maybe you’re thinking that I have a problem with parents exerting their authority; I don’t. I am a firm believer in parents being lovingly and FIRMLY in charge. So my beef isn’t with that notion. Nope. Where I think it gets sticky is where parents tell their child to do something, the child doesn’t do it, and the power struggle begins. A power struggle is the beginning of your picking up the rope to begin the game of tug of war. It means you want to win instead of teach.

The tug of war game begins when your child says no or just doesn’t do what you say, and you and she get in a verbal wrestling match (picking up the rope). Words start flying and before you know it, you’re so angry that your authority has been threatened and that your child has been so disrespectful (in either word, deed, or both) that you say and do things you later regret. Maybe you make threats, or yell. Maybe you explain why your child needs to do what you say NOW, and then back them into a corner until you “win.” In this case, “winning” means your child does what you ask. But at what price to the relationship? At what price to your sanity?

Many parents have asked me, “Well, how am I supposed to teach my child that I mean business, even if they don’t want to do what I say? What kind of employer is going to want someone like that around?” The first thing to remember is that you can’t “make” someone do anything: especially anything having to do with going to the bathroom in a certain place, eating, sleeping and other biological functions. You can, however, teach them by modeling and by inspiring them to cooperate. It may sound like a cop-out, like I’m advocating mollycoddling your child and trying to “convince” them to do what you ask. I’m not. I’m saying that power struggles have more to do with real struggles than they do real power. REAL power, authentic power, doesn’t involve threats, guilt-trips, and power plays.

In fact, one of the ways you know you’re in your authentic power with your child is when you are acting more than talking. Talking, explaining, yelling, cajoling in the heat of the moment means you’ve lost your authentic power and you’re using words to try to regain it. Just this morning I found myself in this trap. My youngest daughter asked to stay home from school even though she wasn’t sick. I said no and explained why. She persisted and I kept explaining myself. The more I explained myself, the angrier and more frustrated I became. Soon, I was saying, “STOP it! I mean it!” Here’s the rub. I was angry at her for “making” me explain myself! Of course, when I calmed down I knew she hadn’t “made” me do anything. I picked up the rope to start the game of tug of war when I started explaining myself more than once. This tends to happen with me when I am stressed, tired, and just plain annoyed.

If you’ve ever felt tired of power struggles but haven also wondered how to handle them without being too lenient and just giving in, you’re not alone. Power struggles are like our own personal litmus test for how clear we are about our boundaries and how willing we are to enforce them with action and not words. Power struggles bring up all of our power issues from our own parenting. We tend to parent in the ways we were parented and also in opposition to how we were parented. If your parents were super strict and you felt controlled, you might react by going in the opposite direction with your own children. Or not. The first key is to be aware of your beliefs about power and parenting. The second key is to get clear on how engaging your child in power struggle is causing you pain. Do you regret what you say? Is your relationship suffering? Do you feel guilty that your children do what you say only after you’ve yelled at them five times? Do you call your child names when you’re angry and then feel awful about it?

Power struggles are one of the biggest stressors for parents. They bring out the worst in parents and children. That’s why I am going to be doing a teleseminar on June 1st on how to manage them effectively. This teleseminar will be for moms who are tired of the rope burns they have on their hands from the game of tug of war, and yet who don’t want to be permissive parents. More info is forthcoming..but in the meantime, if you have any questions or topics on power struggles that you want me to cover, I hope you’ll drop me a line.

Categories : Intervene With Positive Discipline

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Tips For Effectively Managing Your Child’s Tantrums

Posted by: Karen | Comments (0)

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

Want to strike fear or anger in the heart of a parent? Have them witness their child having a tantrum. To make things extra “spicy,” have the tantrum be in public. Unfortunately, tantrums are something that ALL parents have to manage. Since the holidays often bring added stress, and added stress can also mean more tantrums (I was talking about your child’s…but I’ve been known to have them on occasion!), here are some tips to help you get through them with fewer gray hairs:

1. Prevent tantrums as much as possible. Know your child’s triggers. Is she noise sensitive? Maybe the mall at Christmas time is too over-stimulating. Is your child brimming with energy (as so many strong-willed children are)? Before going to a holiday dinner at Grandma’s, find a way for them to get some of the energy out ahead of time by jumping rope or on a mini-trampoline (a gift idea for your strong-willed child?), dancing to music, etc. Also, help your child recognize when their body needs to move before it’s too late. With my daughter, we taught her to recognize that when she started tapping her feet quickly and loudly, it was her body telling she needed to move.

2. Know the difference between a “spill-over” tantrum and a manipulative one. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka coined the term “spill over” to describe what happens when a spirited child is “flooded” with emotions and doesn’t have the resources to manage them. Because strong-willed children often feel their feelings so intensely, and are often very sensitive, they can be overwhelmed by emotions. During this kind of tantrum, your child needs you to be a comforting companion: to hold the space for them to regain control. It’s scary for kids to feel that out of control. The key here is to remain calm yourself, to say very little, and just be present with (and for) your child. If it helps, you can help your child take deep breaths. If it’s a manipulative tantrum, you’ll know because you’ll sense that your child is in control of his or her responses, but isn’t getting their own way, so is intentionally yelling, crying, screaming, etc. You can usually tell which kind of tantrum is which by how your gut feels.

3. Remember to talk less and act more. In the eye of the storm (or the middle of a tantrum), remember that your child’s behavior is a cry for help. Yes, when I was a child, “a cry for help” meant a swat on the bottom. But here’s the thing: with either kind of tantrum, your child needs to learn self-management, and spanking doesn’t do that. If it’s a spill-over tantrum, your child needs to recognize his stress before it reaches blow-up proportions, as well as learn self-soothing skills. Your being present, without words, except for maybe an occasional prompt to take a breath, can help your child regain control. At a time when your child isn’t tantrumming, you can teach him or her what their triggers are, how to manage them, etc. For a manipulative tantrum, state your case once (“I see you’re feeling frustrated that you want to eat your cookie now, and I said not till after dinner. I will talk to you about it then”). And that’s it. No more words. Repeat a mantra to yourself such as, “I will not give attention to this.” Rewarding this tantrum with more explanations such as, “What did I just say? I’m not going to say it again..Now stop asking me and crying!” will show your child that they can get your energy and attention in unhealthy ways.

Oh–and one more thing–remember that EVERY parent has to deal with tantrums. You’re not alone!