In a previous post, I talked about how mom guilt is now talked about as though it’s just something moms have to go through as part of the induction and membership into the club of  motherhood. Now, I am a champion supporter of moms, and if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I specialize in helping moms who feel stuck in guilt, get the heck OUT.

One of my core messages to moms is: It doesn’t have to be that way. Mom guilt does not have to be a part of your life.

 I’m a mom, and I know that the culture we live in doesn’t make it any easier for us tap into what really matters. The message of the parenting culture screams, “Look ‘out there’ to see where the answers are to how you’re doing. Read this book. Watch this show. Look at what that mom is doing and do it.” Since we’re busy, it’s easy to listen to the culture; after all, we live in it. Oh, and let’s not forget the fast pace of our culture–the culture would have us be so busy that we don’t have time to slow down.In case my semi-ranting makes you wonder,  I’m not “anti-culture.” I AM pro-truth. And the truth is…..the culture doesn’t always have your best interests at heart.

There’s a yin and a yang to everything, which means that there’s some good in the larger culture. In my mom’s generation, moms often didn’t talk as freely about what scared them, stressed them, angered them, confused them. They didn’t have books and websites to help them realize that what they were experiencing was “normal.” They were just expected to “buck up” and “deal with it.” I’m grateful that our current culture is one where moms can be real about what’s keeping them awake at night so they can support one another. And, when we’re clear on who we are, what strengths we bring to the table, and what kind of kids we want to raise, parenting resources can be quite helpful. But nowadays, there is so MUCH for moms to pay attention to in order to parent “well” it can make your head spin.

 Or your gut wrench.

 Or inspire guilt about “doing it wrong.”

So the reasons why I think mom guilt makes your butt look fat are:

• There’s a ton of parenting info out there on how to tame tantrums, how to get your child to sleep, how to do pretty much anything you want to do as a mom. But here’s the rub. Most of it conflicts. “Always practice co-sleeping so you bond with your child and she’ll grow up confident.” “Never sleep with your child! That raises a child that’s dependent on you, plus it’s dangerous.”
• We’re not clear on how we or our child are “wired,” our temperament. This is a biggie. If you’re extroverted and crave being around people, and your child is introverted and craves staying at home playing by herself, you may feel frustrated that your needs conflict with your child’s. Or, you may wonder if your child is too shy and if something is wrong with her. Do not understimate this idea of “goodness of fit” (the interplay of your and your child’s temperament) and how it can make parenting harder.
• We’re not clear on how we fill back up when our energy is depleted, OR we feel guilty about taking the time to fill back up (see “busy culture” rant at top of post!). Or, we think we “should” love going out for margaritas with our girlfriends as a way to refuel, when really, we’d rather curl up with a good book, and pet the cat.
• We compare our insides with other mom’s outsides. See that mom over there? You know, the one with the perfect hair and clothes, whose kids are impeccably dressed and her car doesn’t have old food crumbs in it? It’s easy to look at her, compare yourself and think, “Ugh. I’m not like that. I feel so guilty…” The truth is you don’t know what’s going on inside that mom. She has her own demons she’s wrestling with, trust me.
• We haven’t created our own personal “filter” for what parenting info to let in and what to let go of. If we feel guilty, chances are good that our filter’s holes are too big and not selective enough.

I’m glad that mom guilt is popular enough to be talked about in the mainstream culture because moms deserve relief. But I FIRMLY believe that it is a lie, a HUGE lie, that motherhood and guilt just have to go together because “that’s just the way it is.”

You can find your core, create your own filter, and live guilt-free.

And enjoy parenting.

And that’s the truth.