Many power struggles, temper tantrums, and other discipline issues could be avoided if parents knew one thing: how their child gets energy. This has to do with your child’s inner world. While the idea of temperament is not new, there are new ways of looking at it that make parenting easier, more fun, and focus on kids’ strengths. Barbara Probst, author of When The Labels Don’t Fit: A New Approach To Raising A Challenging Child (Three Rivers Press), and I share the same strength-based philosophy. Here are her tips (for which she and her publisher have kindly given permission for you to glimpse below) for how to figure out how your child refuels (look for an upcoming podcast with Barbara in the next week or so, and be sure to check out her website):
A child who is more internal in how she interacts with the world is introverted, or self-energizing. In order to stay in balance, she’ll need to step back, spend time alone, and recharge by being alone. This isn’t the same thing as having poor social skills and not knowing how to be with others. Rather, it’s about how they recharge their batteries so they can interact with others without being depleted. Kids who are introverted tend to:
- handle stress by going off alone and thinking/brooding about it, daydreaming, etc.
- come home from school and immediately need a break before talking or sharing about the day
- actually do need to be drawn out about their day
- have a rich, inner world and often can seem to be “in their own world” of ideas and fantasies
- keep thoughts and emotions to themselves
A child who is more external in how she interacts with the world is considered extroverted, or world-energizing. She will get her energy by interacting with others and not wanting to be alone. Kids who are extroverted tend to:
- want to be actively engaged with others
- externalize thoughts and feelings–no wondering how they feel most of the time!
- eagerly embrace new situations
- be willing to talk to strangers
- get loud and silly at times
You can think of introversion and extroversion along a continuum. Some kids are more “introverted” (and further along the continuum) than others. Still others are closer on the continuum to the middle. The key really is knowing what helps your child recharge his or her batteries. Many a parent has seen a child “melt down” when what their child really needed was time to recharge. Knowing this piece of information about your child is powerful; we all need to recharge our batteries or refuel, and kids need our help in learning how to do it. Self-care starts early!
If you’re anything like me (and if you have a strong-willed child, I’m betting we have a few things in common!), this thought has crossed your mind at least once: “Is it my fault my child is so difficult to parent?” A simple request to your child can result in her melting down into a temper tantrum. Too much noise or stimulation can mean excess energy–I’m thinking of my own strong-willed daughter zooming around the house the other night, exclaiming with glee, “I just LOVE the holidays! They give me so much ENERGY!” Yeah. I noticed that, as yet another chair tumbled to the ground.
Want to strike fear or anger in the heart of a parent? Have them witness their child having a tantrum. To make things extra “spicy,” have the tantrum be in public. Unfortunately, tantrums are something that ALL parents have to manage. Since the holidays often bring added stress, and added stress can also mean more tantrums (I was talking about your child’s…but I’ve been known to have them on occasion!), here are some tips to help you get through them with fewer gray hairs: