All moms are liars. Okay, maybe not all. But most are. Especially the ones who talk smack about other mothers. You know the ones who sneer, “Did you SEE her child freaking out in the park? Hellllooo! Has she ever heard of “discipline? What she needs to do is get control!” That kind of judgment usually means two things. First, it means that this mom is probably afraid of her child doing exactly the same thing. Second, it means that she probably judges herself as harshly as she does other mothers. So maybe this mother didn’t outright lie and say, “I never have those problems.” But in a way she implied it. And whomever she was with at the time also heard the unsaid-but- implicit message that being real about motherhood wouldn’t be easy around THIS mom.
Why can’t we just admit to ourselves and other moms that this mothering thing can be HARD? It’s also wonderful. And magical. And deeply fulfilling (sometimes, but not when it involves severe sleep deprivation or poop or tweens wanting to pierce body parts). But it’s still difficult. I am so lucky that I get to be privvy to moms’ deepest fears about themselves and their kids. I get to hear over and over again many moms’ small, whispery voice that admits, “I feel like such a bad mom…” And what I want to do right at this exact moment is say, “Honey, we all do. Some of us are just willing to admit it.” There. I said it. This mom gig is hard and I mess up regularly. So what?
Motherhood has become a dangerous, competitive sport; unfortunately, the deepest injuries come from moms comparing themselves to others and having unrealistic expectations for themselves and their kids. Everybody thinks everybody else “has it all together.” None of us does. We’re all doing the best we can and are somewhere along the continuum of “everything is falling apart and I want to give up ” to “I am modern-day Martha Stewart and June Cleaver who has a Ph.D and is more fit and thin than before I had kids.” That leaves a whole lotta space in between, people.
So where do I fit on this continuum? I will admit that there are days when I feel like a rotten mother, and days where I feel like a pretty great mother. Sometimes I feel rotten and great on the same day. That’s pretty normal for motherhood, wouldn’t you say? I say it’s time for us to give other mothers the gift of honesty. By being real about this mothering thing, you give other mothers permission to do the same.
Honest.
No lie.
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Yep, when someone is critical I just think “you spot it, you got it!”
that being said I didn’t take my daughter to see her grandma for a week because i had left hot tea out, she grabbed it, and she burned her arm- yes- I felt like a bad mom.
For many reasons I have felt guilt. Most of the second guessing has came from pure exhaustion because I did not think it was OK to ask for help (I also was afraid I may be judged).
If we were all supportive and compassionate toward other moms (as well as celebrate our uniqueness!) we would all have a much easier time.
Time to trust ourselves and our own decisions! Also time to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and turn those into learning experiences!
Hi, Angie–
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’ve felt plenty embarrassed by my kids’ behavior, AND I’ve done my share of judging, too. I try to catch myself with both so I don’t stay stuck in either. I just think mothering is too important and too difficult as it is—why add to it with judging one another?
Again, glad you shared!
Warmly,
Karen
Karen,
I like your style! Not sure how I found you, but I’m glad I did! You offer real advice that works in real time! No wonder you are such a success at what you do! Keep up the great work!
I think one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves as parents, is to lighten up! Not one of us is perfect…not even the experts…and I love how you put that front and center! Once we do that, we need to pull in those strategies that help us become the best we can be at any given time. I use the approach you do in my practice, AND at home…where I get to see the proof that it REALLY does work!
Great time perusing your site! I’ll be back to visit! You rock (as my kids would say:)!
Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD
What a great post! I couldn’t agree more. I often joke about creating a therapy jar for my kids just in case they need it some day due to those “less than ideal” parenting moments. I also know there are times when I’ve had pretty good parenting moments. My hope is they balance out…with the scale tipping towards the positive moments:-).
I often advise parents to watch the world for a week with non-judgemental eyes. This would mean everytime you notice a parent struggling with a screaming, defiant or overly exhausted child in meltdown mode, you say to yourself “Aah, I’ve been there.” As we watch others with understanding rather than judgement, we can then watch (and offer) ourselves with the same understanding.
Thanks for such a great post.